Feel like i have made a big mistake.. Not sure what to do
I am having a major anxity attack. Me and the man i was seeing broke up less then a week ago, after nine years of being together.. I had done everything for him, took care of him. He promised to always have my back no matter what. Then about a week ago, he told me he was seeing someone else, and that he was bringing her to the house, so he could do his thing with her. I could find somewhere to go, or sit there and watch, i chose the latter. Would alos like to add, and i don't want to offend anyone , but she is only using him to get a green card to stay here. They don't speak the same language nothing. I finacly supported and everything this man for nine years. Gave him my heart and now it is broken. I feel very lost and alone. My daughter came and got me, and am suppoed to go to my dad's next week, with whom i have no relationship, and he lives so far out, that i won't be able to go anywhere. I feel maybe i should have found a shelter or somewhere where i was, so i could least get on the bus line, i am without my dogs as well, who were everything to me as well. I miss them very much. I tried to talk to my family today, and they just pretty much laughed in my face, ad feel i should just be jumping for joy, i don't know how much i can take, and i really need someone to talk to, i have no phone. I really could use some advise, and maybe just someone to talk to. At my wits end, and just can't deal with much more..
I have met a couple of women who were involved in similar situations to you before, believe it or not.
I feel like this topic isn't one where I should just type up a block of text, because I think this is one where you should talk back and forth with people, it sounds like there are so many aspects to this ongoing situation to discuss.
Firstly I just want to say....wow, I am sorry for what happened to you. Your 9-year relationship ended abruptly, he started seeing a woman who is trying to get her green card while you were together and moves her in with you, you had to give up your pets....and it just keeps going on.
How exactly did your family react when you tried talking to them? Was it more like they didn't care, or that you should be happy to be away from that guy, or what?
And why did you get kicked out? Why couldn't you take your dogs with you?
I'm guessing you don't have a vehicle of your own right now?
I'll give you a chance to respond to some of these talking points and continue the conversation.
I agree, i am really needing to talk back and forth with someone. right now just feeling very lost and alone.. and not sure what to do.
My family feels i should be happy and to be away from there, and there has been talk that i am unstable, and need meds.. becasue i am upset. they clam up every time, i try and talk about it, so i have to just keep it to myself.
I actuly left,, i did not feel i could handle seeing him with her, so my daughter picked me up, and then dropping me off at my dad's . which me and him do not have a relationship, it is very rocky at best, and he alrready has let it be known, i will be there to take care of him. cooking, cleaning and paying his bills. am not allowed to have friends over, if i do make friends. and he lives so far out, that i won't be able to get around,.
and no i have no car,so i have to wait for someone to take me somewhere. where i was living. there was at least a bus system. i had to leave my dogs, as i was not able to take them with me.. Me and my boyfriend or ex now, lived with his mom. who could not stand me. and was glad this was going on, that is another story in it's self.. I just felt i needed to leave, as seeing him with her, and still loving him. would be more then i could stand.. plus i have anxity and depression. and it was taking toll on me. but now i am having very bad anxity. being stuck somewhere and can't even go to a store. or do things i need to do for myself, and feel like i am at everyone else's mercy. and not being able to talk about how i feel is very hard.. to deal with,,
I felt maybe i should go into a bit more detail. The man i was with, like i said had been with each other for nine years. Alot of that time, i took care of him financially as h had no job. And was there for him in good and bad times. We had been through alot together, the death of his dad, and my mother, family problems things like that We got along good for the most part. His mother as i had mentioned did not like me at all. When we first got together, she was not around, but when she got back into town, she would say to him you need to leave her, and move in with me. that he could do better things like that . We were living with his dad for some time, until he died , and i am the one who found him and call the paramedics and would like to also say me and his dad got along well for the most part. We wound up having to leave, and move in with his mom, as his dads family decided to take the mobile home. and pretty much it went down hill from there, his mom was always saying that me and him were not in a relationship. had me and him sleep in the same room as her, and went as far as to say that we did not love each other, and i did not even like her son. His 89 year old grandfather lived there as well. and i was the one that was taking care of him. about a month ago my ex started a job as a dishwasher at a restaurant where he meet the girl from hondouris. . and he came home and told me all the guys from work. Had told him she had a thing for him, and he told me he would not go there. But i started noticing, he would leave the house, and not really say where he was going, and also was on his phone all the time. even taking it to the bathroom. and i did something i was not proud of, but i looked at his phone. and he and she had been texting back and forth using a Spanish to English translator, . He was more saying he wanted to have fun, but he was saying, don't you care for me. and i want to be married, and have my own family. and love this country, and that her visa expire's soon. so a few weeks ago, he tells me that he may want a family, and feels i am to old. which i am in my early forties. and he is a few years younger then me. i had a miscarriage about five years ago, and he had said then he didn't want a family. and also he said that our relationship was over, but then a few days later snot aid that he felt it was not over for good, and that he felt he could not love anyone like he had me. then last week he said that he was bringing her to the house, where we all were living at. which is his mom's house. and that either i could find somewhere or sit and deal with it. I called my daughter and she came and got me. and not more then 24 hours later, he de friend, me and my daughter, on facebook. and there is a picture of him and the woman as his profile pic . he then messages my daughter asking me to call him concerning the storage, and the password to my game account so he can play games. i said i don't wish to speak to him. Now in the meantime , i am to be going to my dad's next week, he was never there for me growing up. left when i was 2 came back around when i was 17, and pretty much, had nothing to really do with me. But now can stay with him. just have to pay all his bill. and take care of him. and he lives so far out. that without a car. good luck going anywhere. I suffer from anxity and depression. I have no cell phone, and no friends to even talk to. and like i said when i try to talk to my family. they clam up, and make me feel like i should just be singing a song, and doing dance, even though it has only been a less then a week. I do know that it is over, but i do miss him, and still do love him. and miss my dogs. which i was the one that took care of them, and spent tim e with them. and now i feel like i am the one being punished, can't have my dogs, and have to move somewhere that i know i am going to hate, and i just wish i had someone to talk to . as i feel very lonely. and the thought of being somewhere , where i can't go anywhere to even meet people as my anxity through the roof. my ex said he would always have my back, and would never hurt me, well that was a lie. sorry so long. had to get all this out,..
I'm going to strongly recommend you get a smartphone. I would like to be able to help you further, but I realize the best-case scenario is if you are able to contact this website with unlimited data. That is the first step, that is how we can help you. And a smartphone will be your friend in the modern world where things are confusing and hard to figure out. Hopefully you can at least get a connection at your father's place, I know I sometimes have trouble at my parents'.
Things are over with your ex, and you need a new start. Maybe you can still get your dogs if you miss them so much. I know I left my cat behind with my ex, but at least he was in good hands. If you are far away from your dogs, and you don't think he will take care of them, then rescue them. Why not?
You have at least a kid already. What is your next goal in life?
I actually didn't see your last post from before I had responded - going to read through that now (I think I was viewing it on my phone the other night), and I have just been a little busy since the other night so now I have the chance to give you better advice.
So in regards to your first response again here's what I have to add to that one:
I think you are out of the fire and into a frying pan. You needed to get out of your dead former relationship, that was probably for the best. I just think that now you are in a more agonizing situation possibly than the one you were in before. Your father apparently isn't a very good one, and it seems like you will more or less be free help for him.
On top of getting a phone, I think you also need to get a vehicle. Can you drive? What is the situation there?
For the last post I'm going to take this paragraph by paragraph and try to respond to your talking points:
"Alot of that time, i took care of him financially as h had no job. And was there for him in good and bad times. We had been through alot together, the death of his dad, and my mother, family problems things like that We got along good for the most part. His mother as i had mentioned did not like me at all."
The fact that he never had any sort of job says a lot about him. Mothers and girlfriends don't seem to get along for some reason, from my experience. Of course what she did and how she acted sounds pretty lousy. It's good that you got along with his dad, but you know, I honestly don't think it matters what the family thinks of you that much. I tend to think of love as being between two people, and everyone else needs to butt out. Of course, maybe these were some warning signs that you weren't with the right person.
"so a few weeks ago, he tells me that he may want a family, and feels i am to old. which i am in my early forties. and he is a few years younger then me. i had a miscarriage about five years ago, and he had said then he didn't want a family. and also he said that our relationship was over, but then a few days later snot aid that he felt it was not over for good, and that he felt he could not love anyone like he had me. then last week he said that he was bringing her to the house"
It's pretty extreme, but I will say that feelings about things can change. Up until I was in my mid-to-late 20's I didn't see myself having kids. Nowadays I wouldn't mind with the right woman, in fact maybe I find myself thinking about it more than I ever expected to. Feelings for a partner can change pretty suddenly too, but usually there is a build-up that has been going on in the background and it makes sense when things are over. I think the younger guy, older girl thing only works out if there is a smaller age gap, or if the guy is over a certain age. People can change right up until their middle-adulthood. I think we are always growing as people but it's a lot of those rites of passage of adulthood that impact us and make us realize where we stand on issues, and sometimes we can wind up in a completely different spot than where we began.
"he then messages my daughter asking me to call him concerning the storage, and the password to my game account so he can play games."
Wow. The 'important things', huh?
"Now in the meantime , i am to be going to my dad's next week, he was never there for me growing up. left when i was 2 came back around when i was 17, and pretty much, had nothing to really do with me. But now can stay with him. just have to pay all his bill. and take care of him. and he lives so far out. that without a car. good luck going anywhere. I suffer from anxity and depression. I have no cell phone, and no friends to even talk to. and like i said when i try to talk to my family. they clam up, and make me feel like i should just be singing a song, and doing dance, even though it has only been a less then a week."
You need to work towards beginning a new life for yourself. Listen, not to be rude, but it sounds like the man you dated, was actually more of a boy. And it sounds like your father was mostly absent from your life, so there's no reason to be present for him for very long.
You need work. You need money. You need a car. You need a phone. You need friends. And you need a life. If you can't make any of that work out while staying under your dad's roof for a bit, then maybe you should look at your alternatives and find a place where you have a shot of getting these things and bouncing back.
I think a lot of us have anxiety and depression. And sometimes it can be rough. But you've got to put up with some stress in life to get anywhere. You have to become a stronger person to survive.
You know, I've met a few women over the years that just had lousy attitudes to things. One girl blamed her anxiety attacks for her inability to do anything, and didn't try to get another job or make money, she just received government checks and spent them. Another who I knew long ago went to a shrink, but didn't like what he told her so she stopped going to him and found a shrink who told her what she wanted to hear, and just kept not working because she thinks she is incapable of working due to her anxiety. More recently there was a girl who was a pathological liar, and she had to move back in with her dad and his wife, and a ton of kids, and they all lived in a tiny, cramped house....and she just stopped showing up at work even though she had hardworking friends there, because she wanted something less stressful and that paid more...but I bet she will get a dozen more jobs and never be able to hold them because she will just keep calling in until she is terminated.
I understand women usually experience more health issues than men due to their more sensitive bodies. Some even hurt themselves permanently from working too hard. But there's a big difference between trying, really trying, putting in effort and doing nothing. And I'm not just talking about work, though that is a big part of it - I'm talking about life.
Now maybe I'm guilty of being kind of a lazy homebody myself. I have trouble committing to things like going to the gym, saving money, and maintaining a healthy outlook on life. But I put in a serious effort. I've held employment at the same job for quite a few years now. I am not morbidly obese or close to it. I've had multiple dates this year. I pay my bills on time and still grow and discover new things I didn't know about that make me feel more in tune with the world.
I'm not accusing you of being lazy, but I realize that anxiety and depression have become excuses in recent years. Everyone in this world has problems, don't let anyone tell you any different. Some have worse problems, that's for sure. But nobody's pain is special, and rest assured, there are tens of thousands of people near you who are experiencing similar things to you.
You need to live. You need to break free of that lousy relationship that has HELD YOU BACK for 9 years, and that lousy paternal father who never made a whole lot of effort to be a part of your life or to let you know that he loved you. Do you get what I'm saying? You need to do what is best for you. Take steps to improve yourself and your situation, so you don't have to live your life by other peoples' schedules. Find things that interest and entertain you. And as nice as it was of your Dad to take you in right now... You know what, you've been through a lot and you don't deserved to be punished by him right now, so F that guy. You need your own place, and a little bit of hope. That's what you need.
First of all you are very much so right. He was more of a boy then a man. And i really do want to make something of myself. I am going to be going back to work, and back to school, . All of my life i took care of everyone else, now it is turn to take care of me. I was worried about my family being mad at me, if i decided not to stay at my dad's. But then again, they will get over it i am sure. I am looking into renting a room somewhere till i can save money to get into my own place. Finding a job, and making some friends. I don't feel i am a lazy person though. I had worked hard all my life, and raised a daughter by myself, and she has turned out to be a good person, who works hard, and does well for herself. I have not even tried or bothered to get in any kind of contact with the ex, and very proud of myself on that. But i do think that i do need to figure out another alternative then going to my dad's. As i do want to get a life and have a good one, and that is not going to happen there, . No i don't have a car at the moment. The town i was living had a bus system, there is none where my dad lives. I also worry that if i try to discuss about going back to the town, i was living. some are going to think , that i am doing that to be trying to go back to the ex. Which is not true, i get it loud and clear he did not care about me at all. I do have some friends there and there are places i can go to, to get my life back on track. which is what i am wanting. And your right about the hope thing, that is exactlly what i am needing..