What should I do? A good advice is needed here
I met Pearl in a bus, from a job hunt in the capital city back to where I live. she looked younger than her age, but talking to her in the bus I realised she was a little older, though I didn’t ask her age at that time, She told me about where she works , which was quiet interesting. I asked her if she could help me with a job.
I was desperate to pick myself back, when I had lost everything I ever saved whiles I was outside Ghana. I looked for jobs in every nook and cranny. I had very few friends. Most at times my dad’s friends and uncles who promised me job all disappointed.
Meeting Pearl in the bus and understanding the organisation she was coming from, I felt she could help me. I was praying she will. Fast forward to when we both got to our destination, we exchanged numbers. I texted her to remind her of enquiring job for me, she mostly replied nicely and sounded very much lovely. Later she started becoming flirty. I felt she was too old for me to flirt with her, but the context of the text made me respond as such to it. She suggested we meet at a place and have a chat. We did meet at a very quiet restaurant which we had a long chat, about her past relationships and all. I also told her about what I involved myself in with my ex and all and how things never worked and how I lost all the money even ones I borrowed.
Having no money at that time, I still manage to pay for the outing. But when we were done, she said she will like us to do this again. But this time on her bill.
I was a lonely and desperate for job, and who was I to say no to the little fun that will come my way.
We did this again and again and onwards, it was her paying the bills and driving me around to the nicest of places. I must confesses I enjoyed every bit of it. I remember she took me to a place far away where we spent the weekend as at that time when we were going we were friends. I knew something will happen. But well she was older and we both know it was easier for a woman to get her way with a man than the other way round.
We started getting intimate which led to a relationship. Many at times I felt sceptical especially about the age difference. I will call and break up with her, I made her know the age difference was going to worry me. it really did but I was broke mennn!
Many at times I manage to breakup with her, but sometimes just sometimes I totally had nothing and I call to ask for loan to payback, but then she will be nice again and beg me back and all to be with her etc. she was a giver and sometimes she was the only one I could fall back to. And she gives me money and ask me never to payback.
In short I must say the small small money she gave me while I was broke made me stay through with her.
Moving on, I finally got a job in the capital city, where I had to relocate , the salary was nothing to write home about, but I just wanted to work and not overthink whiles at home. I moved in to stay with an old classmate of mine. His place was extremely uncomfortable. There was no toilet even in the house, so if you wanted to use the washroom you had to walk about 10 minute to a university campus close to their house to use it. I slept on the floor, My job then in 2015 was paying me 500 Ghana cedis. When I calculate my transport and amount I spend on food in Accra, I realise I will need more money to stay through the month. But I still took it anyway, at least I thought it will help me forget about Pearl. But no it didn’t. It rather drew me closer to her.
With my salary I knew I can’t rent any time soon. Because all the landlords wanted a 2 years advance payment. And with my salary, my transport alone and food deducted alone can’t even take me through a month, how much more renting.
The month didn’t even end, and I had to beg Pearl to borrow me 50gh, but the she will make it 100gh, all those times I had to still date her because I needed money. Well guess what?, she actually paid for rent for me, In fact she wanted to pay for a more expensive please which was like a chamber and hall self-contain. But I told her am ok with just a single room. I don’t mind sharing washrooms. Even that one was expensive to me at that time, yet she paid 2 years advance for me for free. I finally get to leave my friends place and have my own. I was super excited!
I borrowed the mattress I slept on at my friends place. And that was the only thing in my room aside my cloth. It was all good and nice till she started visiting me from the city I met her. And because it was a far journey, she will come and sleep on the same mattress with me and she kept buying me provisons and all even when I didn’t ask for. But still I wanted to walk out of the relationship.
I wanted to stop and pay her back when I start making good money, because I was still searching for a job. But well she kept coming to visit me every 2 weeks, and every time she came she gives me money and buys me things for my room. One way or the other she made life easier through my struggle.
She moved me out to a different place, this time bigger place and paid for it again and asked me to use the refund from the old place to take care of the place. I was supper excited but not entirely because I knew it comes with a price!
I got another job this time my salary was 800 Ghana Cedis, But I was used to getting money from her so in a month I will say I spend about a 1000ghana because she use to pay for some expenses I didn’t factor in my salary .
Well she kept reminding me how she was growing and the pressure from family and all. I remember I tried breaking up with her again because I was far from ready, but then outa pity and because of all the things she has done for me, my conscience will make me feel am being unfair. So I will stay.
Now I had to be bold and reject or be with her. Because in as much as I was enjoying all the money and food, provisions etc., I was wasting her time, and time wasn’t on her side. She was 33, I was 27.
I broke up with her several time, but again she won’t stop calling, and there were times she will show up to my place without me knowing, and she will come with money , and all. How was I to sack her when she was the same person who paid for for it?
I realised whenever she comes the pity grew more and I had to allow her in and all. I wasn’t dating or seeing anyone else because I was focused on finding a better job and being a bit comfortable before. And most of the ladies that came my way needed money more than myself.
Before then to I had introduced her to my mum as my friend before, because she use to drop me at home.
So one day after a long and thorough thought I had to decide, because either I leave or I marry her she was aging. But then I know I had tried to leave many times but to no avail. I decided to marry her to cut short this dilemma. She was excited tho I knew she had the money to do all. It was all she was wanted. Just for me to say I will marry you then she will use the millions of money she had saved to sponsor the wedding.
Things happen so quick, within 8 month we were to marry. When I told my folks, My dad didn’t understand. So the plan was to make him think am comfortable enough to marry, we’ll all those comfort came from this woman. She gave me the confident that she has enough to take care of the marriage and we will never get broke. I later realised her salary was like 7 times what I was taken a month. She was comfortable, she had her own car, had a beautiful apartment.
Fast forward, few days to the wedding. Reality hit me. I realised I was so not ready!. I was just 27 and am starting a career all over. I was then doing well in my job tho the salary was small and it was a one man business kind of company. I was hopeful things will get better so I can pay her back all her money and be free. So I decided to stop the wedding. The tears she shed alone made me felt like am from hell. She had bought so many things with her. What was left with was some few. But I wasn’t the one buying so I didn’t feel the heat till 1 month to it.
I realised I was way too young , I realised I had not achieved or accomplished anything yet in my life myself because I was living a hand to mouth salary job, but thanks to her I had a place to lay my head and some few freebies I got from her.
Well things got heated up the more, three weeks to the wedding. My dad suggested we post-pone, My mum was recovering from stroke and I didn’t have to compound her sickness with my confusion.
I was the most confused person in the world. I decided not to tell my friends. It was later that it hit me that people will notice a mixed audience in the wedding. The woman’s mate being older and my mate or friends being younger. I felt like the world gone see am not ready for marriage. But all these didn’t hit me in the beginning because I was focusing on my job while she was doing the preparation.
Many people called to talk to me from her family side. I wished I could run away from the country that time. People even recommended pastors for her to pray for me to firm up my decision to marry. I knew many prayers were said on my head that time, but Lord knows I wasn’t ready! I visited her two weeks to the wedding and I realised how lean she had grown. I had really frustrated her. Outa pity I told her we can go ahead.
I decided to make it private on my side. I never mentioned it to my colleagues at work neither did I mention it to my classmate. I didn’t want my childish friends to ruin a matured wedding. Neither did I wanted to be the new talk in town that a younger guy marries an older woman. Because I bet it was gone be pretty obvious. It was then that I started meeting her friends. The more I met her friends, the more I got depressed. Her friends were grown up women and men, with family, some with two kids some with three kids. So I told three of my friends I trust to represent me as my work colleagues when taking pictures and asked them to keep it private. Because of the age difference, I decided not to do any best man or bridesmaid, because of her bridesmaid will look bigger and older and my grooms men will look smaller and younger , more like child marriage funny huh!. I already wasn’t happy, why will I do something that will attract mockery. So she agreed. Two days before the wedding, I entered a barbering saloon, with a sad face I took a haircut like a normal person. The barber didn’t even know I was getting a groom haircut. I asked the barber to just shape my hair. Cos if I cut the hair down I will look more like a child getting married. So I had to leave my hair and moustache and just shape it.
I manage to complete the wedding with few friends of mine who came to represent me as my work colleagues. But I stayed strong. Till it was over. I finally got married to her.
But things were never the same. I was full of regret and wished I was more patient. Sometimes I wished I endured through my struggle and hoped for a brighter day.
So I came back to the big city where I work. But she lives in a different city. In fact there was no honey moon. I just wanted to make her happy and leave, so she wouldn’t be mocked at.
A month after the wedding I got two job offers. One was way too good to be true. The job of my dreams. The salary was like 6 times what I was taking as at that time. It was a wow moment. I was sooo excited. Now I can do things on my own. I can pay for my own rent, I can even buy myself a car after a while and live the kind of life I want. But I was married!
It was at that moment if I had said no, at least I could have paid her back all her expenses, so I can have my life back.
But it was far too gone. My options now were divorce. But it was too evil and I wondered what people will tag me and my family. I didn’t want my mum to be hospitalized too. So I decided since we are in different cities. Just manage and have your peace. I later rented a much better place the following year. That time I turned 28. All my wife could think of was a baby because she was aging, since she is 34 years, and having a child now was not part of my list.
In my new apartment, one of my neighbours was a very beautiful lady called Vannessa (not her real name tho), I was older than her. She had a boyfriend who came round most at times, they worked at the same place tho. We became closer even tho she had a boyfriend. A month or two later, Vanessa’s boyfriend dumped her, and she came crying to me. I was there for her and our friendship grew stronger. She didn’t know I was married because I never wore my ring, and I did not want to get the embarrassment again of how you are too young for that. I wasn’t proud to be married. So I told everyone I was single. Not because I wanted to womanise but because I looked too young for that. I had a baby face too so I looked like 24 instead of 28 and also my wife was too old for me.
So Vanessa and I became closer and closer by the day. It was fun to be with her. We visited places, went to mall, beaches etc without me hiding my face or not pretending to be older than my age like I do for my wife. With my wife I had to pretend most at times or force myself and act like am matured when we go out or sometimes walk apart like we ain’t married. Simply because I was shy of the age difference.
But there I was with someone I can take pictures with and not worry about looking younger than her or anything. It was totally beautiful. It was so lovely, I bought her things with my money.
I felt like am the man I had always wanted to be. Buy and take care of things like real men do, not let the woman be dictating or buying for you. We got intimate, had the most active and best sex ever. We could make love the whole night and never get tired. We were naughty together, we lived together so did everything together. But many at times she sees me thinking at night. She wondered why I kept thinking. She sees me happy so was wondering why I am worried often. Many times I wish I could tell her my story, but I know she will freak out and never talk to me again. So I had always kept it as a secret. But she was all I ever wanted in life. She was beautiful, young, energetic and lovely, she had a beautiful plan for our life. Things would a been way easier if I was a little more patient. There I was happy but sad. Happy because I was with someone I really wanted, but sad because I had a wife chasing me to sleep with her to get her pregnant.
Lord knows I wanted to tell my new found love about my marriage life, but not only will she leave me but will never ever trust or talk to me again. Dating married men was a horrible thing for her as she always says. So once in a while I will travel to Pearl’s city to see her. Well, it was true she was aging and needed a child before it too late. So I decided to sleep with her, all the time I did that my mind was on my new girl and couldn’t wait to come back to her.
I knew I had messed up and I wondered how I will ever exit from my new girls life , how do I breakup with someone I want to be with forever. I have to exit and be in my miserable marriage. But how do I do it? I finally got my wife pregnant after a year, and I was happy she was happy she will at least have a company whiles I live my life. Still I was with my new girl. We had issues with our landlord so all the tenant had to move out of the house and find a new place. She was excited because she thought it was a better time to rent a place together and save money for other stuff. But I knew in as much as I wanted that I can’t do that because am married. And all I am looking out for is a better way to exit without making her sad. Not just her but me too. I refused to move in with her. I told her it better we do that when we are officially married. She was surprised because we basically did everything together where we live, I mean I never slept in my room again after we started having sex, so why am I saying this ?, she wondered!
Well, to keep it short she rented a place not too far from where I live now, at least we are not on the same house but we are close, walking distance to my place. In January this year. I told her so many things to make her break up with me, but she wouldn’t. I told her I had a son already, because I was expecting my wife to deliver a son. She asked about it, I told her my son is in London with my baby mama. I lied I know but it was better than telling her am married. She still said she doesn’t care and still loved me and will like to see my son soon. What was I to do.? . Well I have typed a lot and there is more to say. But my question now is, how do I exit without hurting her. Will I ever be happy again? Any advice???
NB; Please forgive me for the typos I just woke up one day and decided to type it all out.
Hello Realme. I just finished reading your post. And this story really had some twists and turns I was not expecting. The advice I was thinking about giving you as I read changed a time or two. This is a fascinating story, but Realme... Oh man, you have gotten yourself in really deep this time! :-O (A)
So the first thing I want to point out (and I realize this may be a cultural and national thing as well), is that your age difference with the older woman really wasn't that bad. 5 or 6 years, that could work out okay. I think you are overestimating a little bit how much older this girl is, when in reality you are just 5 or 6 years from being her age. Here in the US at least, most people in their late 20's are a bit difficult to distinguish from people in their early 30's.
I can understand where you are coming from a little though. I dated someone who was more than 10 years my senior, and was with her for half a decade. I experienced a lot of the things you felt with that older woman, but probably much more so. You don't want to feel like she is your second Mom; controlling you, scolding you, taking away a lot of your role in the relationship as the breadwinner and more mature one. It doesn't help when the girl is taller or bigger than you. And it's difficult when you have never dated anyone else before, or when you have this perfect girl in mind and just don't think she exists so you take the first person who is interested in you.
Of course Pearl really wasn't that much older than you, and she had a ton of money. And, she spent a lot of that money to help you. You've led her along and taken advantage of her. And to make matters worse, you have basically become a stand-in husband and father of her child for her, when some better man could have taken those roles. If you had given her up sooner, then who knows, maybe she could have found a better man for her to give her a child?
The second girl... I understand that perfectly as well, too. This Vanessa might very well be what you wanted from the start - someone who fit your particular ideals and who you felt good communicating with. Of course another humongous problem is that you've been playing her just as much as you've been playing your wife. You maintained your unhappy relationship with your wife and got her pregnant all while you've had this new love going on right before you.
You've screwed up, horribly. I think you've been more than a little bit apathetic here to how your actions are impacting the lives of everyone else involved. You used your wife, took her money, and ruined her marriage and beginnings of a family. You would not be where you are now without the help she provided you - you know it would have taken a lot more hard work and uncomfortable living conditions before you got there on your own. On top of that you've used this new girl - you cheated on her, lied to her, you even broke one of her fundamental roles about dating men who are married. She moved closer to you to be with you more, and obviously wants to move in with you. You've been living a double-life and guess what? The day of reckoning has come.
Look. We all make mistakes. I've made some pretty catastrophic ones myself! But you definitely should have come clean well before all of this. The best possible moment? Would have been before you accepted your wife's money. Before you married your wife. The day when you realized you love Vanessa. And certainly well before you got your wife pregnant. You have to do the right thing and come clean, with both of these women. Because the sooner you do? The less time you will be holding both of them hostage and keeping them from moving on with their own lives.
It sounds like you really have feelings for Vanessa. And maybe you can still salvage things with her? But there's a good possibility that you will lose both of these women from your life. And maybe that's what you deserve? But this stuff you've been doing isn't at all what either of them deserve. Do the right thing and stop hurting them and leaving yourself with tremendous guilt.