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Sex issues...

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Relationship advice The quick rundown: I'm that typical guy in an amazing marriage that's perfect besides the sex life. Her libido is very low. I made sure my needs for sex were clear before we got engaged, since it's such a big part of my happiness and mental health. She was completely on board back then. Now not so much. We've talked and even fought about it many times. I've brought it up many times, always in the best way I can. I've explained how much it impacts me day to day - not feeling desired, not having that release, how it causes me to be distracted and restless throughout my day, how it makes me think about sex all day and lust after others when it's not there. But it's a deep, fundamental, basic need of mine - frequent sex. It's the one thing I ask for in the relationship, and I do everything I can to make sure she feels valued, loved, sexy, etc - I tell her every day that she's the most beautiful or sexiest woman in the world, talk to her about her day, tell her I love her multiple times a day, buy her a new boquet of flowers every single week for years, plan elaborate suprises for birthdays and the like, etc. Do everything I can think of to make her feel valued, and repeatedly make it known that the one thing I need in the relationship is a healthy sex life. Been a problem for three years now. And to get to the dark, shameful part: recently went on a trip with a friend who's female. She came onto me hard - skinny dipped during a hike, constantly offered massages, etc. One night after several beers and after I'd taken my sleeping pill I awoke from a light sleep to find her on top of me, nude, kissing my neck and grinding against me. I reflexively grabbed her hips and breasts, and felt her "down there." I never kissed her and certainly didn't have sex, but was so turned on I came. I have no desire to actually cheat on my wife but I was so, so incredibly turned on having this gorgeous woman on me who actually WANTED me, after years of just wanting to feel that same sexual desire from my wife. Not having it makes me feel ugly, inadequate, etc. So here's the two questions: 1) What should I do, in general? and 2) Should I tell my wife about the encounter with the friend? I'd love to hear from people who also have very high sex drives, as I promise anyone who doesn't won't truly understand what this is like at all.

Sex issues...

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Hi Nerdyfun.

Like yourself, I consider myself to be kind of a sexual person. I don't always get sex, I'm not always successful at that, but I have a lot of that same urge for sex and intimacy and womens' affection.

It's funny, as I was reading your post, I remembered something my friend talked to me about today. Something that I think is very important to mention in answering your problem.

My friend, he's a laid-back guy. A lot of women like him because he is friendly, because he listens, and because he isn't aggressive. He was happily single for a year or two, but recently started dating a new girl, and so far seems to be pleased with this decision. So he says to me today (and I'm paraphrasing) , "You know, it's fun whenever you have someone who you have things in common with, because then you always have things you want to do together, places you want to go. It's fun when you can have sex with someone, but also do other things, too. If we were just having sex, then it would probably be because we were bored."

I think that is a very good point. I haven't had as much luck in relationships, but the latest dates I went on ended up being mostly sex. And then we stopped talking. And I had good intentions, I wanted to see where things went, but you know it was too early for sex. I wanted it, but it was selfish. And sex by itself becomes kind of embarrassing quickly. Getting to know someone and fall in love with them, and then having sex - that is probably where the best sexual chemistry comes from. Learning what your partner likes and working on being a more giving and collaborative lover makes sex better. Otherwise, you're just being kind of selfish and not growing naturally with your partner. There will continue to be the problems you're experiencing now.

You say the rest of your marriage is great, but I have to wonder if that is accurate. Maybe you even think it is, but I'm unconvinced. You're so focused on the sexual aspect of your relationship and how incomplete it is. Usually that stems from a relationship having issues. "The one thing I need/ask for in the relationship is a healthy sex life." I don't think that is really all you need. And I'm sorry if that is what you think. I think sex is just where your mind's at. And I get that. But I think there are bigger problems here, and it might be that you didn't have this relationship thing figured out before you got married.

In a way, you kind of cheated on your wife. This friend of yours kissed your neck and grinded on you, you touched her in intimate places. Sure, it might not be full-on sex, but I feel like this definitely crosses a line for most monogamous couples.

You have some decisions to make now. I would say that you should be single, and take some time to find out who you are and who you want to be with. Chances are, you aren't with the right woman now, or are with her for the wrong reasons. Of course only you can say for sure. But I can promise you that if you date a woman and it's just about sex? You will lose her attention quickly, because she needs more than that. And so do you.

Sex issues...

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I think sexual compatability is VERY important in a marriage. (One of the first question I asked my son when he was considering marriage was “Does she like sex?”) it firms a bond between two people and helps assure fidelity.

Sounds like you knew she had low libido before the marriage - if fact, you even “ warned” her about your expectations. Did you think she was going to change? Has it gotten worse over the years?

Does she try to control you and get her way by using sex? When is the last physical she has had? Have you tried marriage counseling?



Sex issues...

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Also ... how is it that you are going on a trip with a female friend?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

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