Rejected by a younger guy and made a total fool of myself
Emotional advice forum category advice forum category 32 F single just was introduced to a 25 m through colleagues. The guy just moved to this town and we were getting along well. Wewere almost always hanging out at either of our oilaces, cooking together, warching movoes, spending nights talking without ever getting intimate or close. Since He was looking for a part time job, I offered him one in our company though he had not joined officially. He recently got out of a relationship and I wasn't looking for anything but I just got attracted towards him physically. Never mentioned it nor made any passes. He always used to speak about any new females he'd seen or he had been trying to go to bed with and though this irritated me i never expressed it.
Sadly one night we slept on his bed and that ended up in me blowing him. The next day he just spoke to me about work and the following day he came for training and we were making plans for cooking etc. but we didn't hang out together as prior to that night.
Friday night he didn't turn up to our usual hanging out with friends and two common friends of ours and I went to his place to pick up my crock pot. He came down with it and didn't even ask us to go up. Later when one of the guys left he sent my other stuff through the other. I found this to be strange and called him and when he didn't receive I went up to his apartment to ask him what was wrong. He behaved very casually and just said he was cooking (which was true). We went out to speak in private as nobody knew what had happened between us. He kept wanting to leave and said he was no longer keen on working with us because we had been delaying his paperwork (true but he wasn't serious about the job). I was really drunk then and I tried putting my arms around him to soothe him to which he said he didn't like being intimate, that he regretted that night and it was because of his hormones that it happened and he can't give the place of his ex gf to anyone. I made it clear I wasn't looking for anything from him but for some idiotic reason my eyes welled up and he just said he had seen tears before and they didn't make any difference to him.
I just took my things and left and sat down at a bench en route to my place and after 10 minutes he turned up saying that I was really predictable to him and he wanted to drop me home. When I said I didn't find his behaviour ok he said he was hungry and it was just a spur of the moment thing. He further asked whether he should come to work this week to which I said no. Anyhow I asked him to leave and he did and I got home drunk and sad. Deleted him from Facebook and removed his number. I vaguely remember asking him to get lost during our conversation and him telling me he was trying to control his anger but I just don't recall verbatim of what was said.
I feel pathetic, not just for loosing my dignity and going to bed so easily but also to be stupid enough to get attracted to him. I miss his company and I just want to know if there's any way this can be undone
The guy's just got out of what sounds like a heavy relationship. His head (and heart) is all over the place. And in conflict with his libido (I think at first he just wanted a friend?).
Either that or his morals are, by which I mean, one of those typically post-traumatic, liberation-crazy idiots (gender immaterial) who reckon they can switch to becoming a Player and, that way, including getting to avoid any genuine intimacy ever again, never be hurt by one of those "b*tches/b***ards" ever again blah-blah-nonsense-blah.
God, he would be a NIGHTMARE to date! Imagine a man with non-stop PMT! He'd soon lose his allure. You'd soon cease fancying him. And then you'd feel stupid for having wanted to date him.
You are stupid. We all are. At least once per venture. It's called being a human being. What counts, however, is that you learn from your mistakes and not repeat them. It's just a stretched-out version of Practice Makes Perfect and is how we grow and development (until the day we die).
But actually, there is zero shame in the fact that your heart works according to how it was programmed. Think about it. So in essence, if you didn't feel stupid right now, it would mean there were something badly wrong with you.
By the way, you'll be nigh-on irresistible if you buck the ridiculous modern trend of playing the female hunter. Yes, technically it's acceptable now and practised widely. But in reality, the very ancient mating wiring doesn't like it, it's very emasculating (even if they themselves don't know why you're not lighting their candle) - well, to healthy men, anyway - meaning, the relationship will likely lack the right fuel for staying the course.
Right Person maybe, Right Place. But Wrong Time. By the time he's relationship-ready, you'll be loved up with another (better) man. However, you at least have another template in terms of your looks type for going forward with, so that's useful.
The only thing salvageable is the platonic set-up. If you think about it, that's why he was confiding in you about the women he was nearly hooking up with. I think the reason he started to acquiesce at the end, there, was because he took it that any friendship with you would have to mean sex and romance included. And he was prepared to do that. Hence why he got angry ("Make yer mind up?!"). So, yes, seems he really does need a safe friend and no lover for a good while. Food for thought? I imagine this concept of a man genuinely wanting your platonic, sisterly hand is quite new to you, hence *why* you couldn't believe the guy wasn't just using "friendship" as a cover? Well, trust me on this: Men at his stage of recovery *all* want a bessie girl mate-cum-quasi sister. And then they get a girlfriend and p*ss off, LOL. Not all of them, just most.
Firstly , thanks a lot for the advice and support. Really appreciate it.
To be honest I never thought there could be a serious or any relationship between us. I was attracted to him but never showed it and I was just surprised when he refused to let me go home that night and came slept next to me on the bed.
I don't think there's any way to get back to the platonic set up because he hasn't even contacted me and he was out with our mutual friends last night and I was with male colleague at bww and he didn't even speak to me.
So I guess I'm just done for. I think I appear as a desperate cougar to him and I feel really bad
Look, it's technically possible he could be messing you about because his head's messing him about ("want her/don't want the ex back, want her not/want the ex back...") and lying beside you was self-guarded provocation rather than seduction (to make you make the move thus avoid potential rejection, in a climate of needing a s*x) - only you'd know that, from all the subtle nuances of the moment that can't always be expressed in words. However, the sense I get is he's on the floor but putting on a (yawn) "manly" front, as slips from time to time, and wants safety, security and go-nowhere cuddles. But that's not possible if you fancy him because you'll always have this bigger agenda driving you (as you already found). It'd be like playing ping-pong together on separate tables. So you'll have to 'un-fancy' him - via the passage of time/cold-turkey, say a couple of months (with honest, reassuring explanation and definite deadline set beforehand), during which you stay open to spotting someone else fanciable.
No, of course he didn't speak to you. Things are awkward now - BECAUSE you two haven't cleared the air. Or it could be because you were with another male that he took to be a romantic prospect, as could render the advance you made on him insultingly meaningless (in principle)? Look, you can't play Tarzan one minute but then go all Jane the minute things get scary. You made the move that made/led to things being "awks", so now you have to make the approach to ask him to talk (so that you can explain) (if you do, he should follow suit). If he isn't receptive, at least you tried (which is very good for your self-esteem). Again: nothing wrong with how *you* function and operate!
So, things going well - once you've done this, that's when he'll 'even speak to you' (LOL - see how that works?).
Alternatively, you could send him a letter?
It's worth a try, anyway. He could be your next best friend for many years to come for all you know?
Plus, it's highly likely he'll have mates. :-D
Or it'll be a superb acid test in terms of - he'll be a d*ck, which will tell you all you need to know and send you away with a clear conscience, no longer feeling bad or humiliated.
PS: Desperate cougars don't tend to take the issue-bull by the horns to re-harmonise the relationship after a bit of a humiliation. They're in too much of a desperate hurry to move quickly onto the next 'potential panacea'-on-legs. (You're confusing desperation with your being used to being a hard-working go-getter who more often than not succeeds.) Dignified, mature, non-desperate, *impressive* ladies do.
Which would you want to remain being in his memory?
(I've got you cornered, really, haven't I? LOL)
Well he was the one who just decided not to come to work and didn't even bother to inform me-till we had the ugly showdown. He called me after that nightmarish night but suddenly on Friday night he cooled off and sent my things through someone else.
I think he behaved badly but in a "taking the high road" sense so at least he didn't humiliate himself like I did via tears and non stop wanting to talk and caress. I even went and sat on his lap and he wasn't even responsive (What could be more insulting?!!??)
I guess I can't start a conversation with him because I've lost face. I never was the predator but I was the kind elder sister cum hang out friend who seemed to be very much in control of her life till that blunder.
So I guess I'll just let it be and let time and tequila do the healing
Never mind 'he was the one'. He's NOT 'one'. He's conflicted. In two minds. What's the difference between two minds in the one body or one each in separate bodies? Answer: none. You're still going to get two separate, constantly-switching intentions and actions. A push-you-pull-me rebounder. Hot...cold...hot...cold - like you've just described in your second sentance.
Oh, yummie (not).
Mild temporary insanity. How could he NOT behave badly?
You're trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of.
Someone who's struggling that much tends to flail their arms about rather a lot. You get closer than platonic friendship and you're liable to get whacked. Repeatedly.
That's what you're hankering after. Wouldn't a hair shirt be easier?
And you think he hasn't humiliated himself? Come ON. All *you* did was respond to cues both internal (your desire) and external (his mixed messaging but not mixed enough) yet end up having unintentionally had a one-night-stand. He could have said No to the BJ, he's neither a powerless child nor a mute.
High Road my a*se. High Road is in the *actions*. We can all *say* High Road. Doesn't make it High Road, does it.
Seriously. What is humiliating about tears in the face of major, unexpected disappointment or wanting caresses or for sitting on a bloke's lap when that bloke, even within his mixed messaging, has more than not given you the come-on or allowed his behaviour SEEM like a come-on?
It should have worked. It would have worked. If he'd been a bloke not still ensconced in the angry foetal position.
Let me simplify this for you:
You went up to a coffee vending machine.
At first it seemed somewhat inactive but then suddenly it sparked into life, all its lights coming on full.
So you put your money in.
What came out was the sugar, milk, coffee, hot water....And then the cup.
And now you're sat in a heap at its feet, going, 'Oh my god, I only wanted a cup of coffee - this is so humiliating, I can't bear it'.
I don't care if it played a fancy tune afterwards. The shame is all the vending machine's.
So instead of worrying what the machine thinks of you - how's about we talk about what you think of it? Really. Seriously. Having taken out the influence of what you wished he were and hope he could still be. (And your ovaries, of course. ;-))
It *may* be, however, that the machine can still be useful. As a side lamp or night light. We can't know that yet, that's the point of 'ladying-up' in a way that proves it's your default state (when not drunk on libido married with normal expectations of a normal outcome).
The shame is all his. But in a climate where he can't really be blamed for it. We hope (the point of this test.)
PS: My milkman doesn't fancy me. I don't find it insulting in the least. If he doesn't have the 'red eyesight' to clearly see and be attracted to 'red me' then....what a shame for both of us but that's the way the cookie crumbles, and the lesson you get to take away with you is how to recognise when a man is not ticketyboo enough to be dating, i.e. how never to be 'humiliated' like that again. Ever.
In fact, here's humiliation: a (clearly) fanciable woman sits on your lap and nothing stirs. Because your newly-ex MASHED you (and your phee-phoo wiring).
In control of your life? And to that degree? (Can someone please call Guinness Book of Records?)
I think you should relax and LIVE a bit. Make MORE mistakes! You clearly want to, underneath perfectionist-all. What are you going to regale the grandkids with, otherwise? "Booring...we don't wanna go see granny, she's boooring...all she talks about is knitting". Is that how you want it?
Tequila - LOL.
Me, I'll be keeping the grandkids up ALL NIGHT, you bet your a*se!
In all seriousness - I'm starting to suspect that your Humiliation-o-meter needle was set q....uite high to begin with, hence went off the chart with the slightest disturbance. Am I close?
What was his name....this icky ex of yours?
I really like your answers because they take the blame or guilt away from me -for some time! And make me feel like ot was the most natural thing ever !
Let's face it, I'm old and ugly , a whole foot shorter than him (he's 6 feet and into gymming with a 6 pack and all that ). I'm a book and wine person with short and stout legs so no way can i be called desirable.
I regret my actions the day I went to speak to him in an inebriated state because I made very overt moves multiple times which were turned down and to ridicule me further he regretted that night when let's say both were equally culpable. So the milkman analogy didn't work here
I'm way older (a decade almost ) and this does make me look desperate and preying on younger guys. He got a decent looking nurse to kiss him at a pub within a week of moving here and I've been high and dry for about two years since I've been living here. So he does have Venus and mars or whatever in his favour.
That night at bww I was with an extremely unattractive male colleague and he (the guy this whole topic is about) didn't even look at me (I didn't see him looking ever) so I'm guessing he doesn't care and it made no difference to him.
My thought is I have no way to turn back time and undo the damage , I am NOT going to start a conversation with someone who didn't even bother to let me know he wasn't coming for the job he was hankering for and sort of turn me out of his home knowing i wasn't sane(read drunk and desperate) . So let's just say, wrong person, wrong time and just a wrong deal.
Going at the rate I am, I don't even see kids in the future so grandkids are like a real life Mickeyvmice in my non existent Disneyland!
His initials are A.S. and he's not my ex not even someone who wanted to be an a or b in my life so x is a long way off !
Thank-you but they're not "my" answers, they're the truth. You're only just starting to see it from this clearer angle because your emotional over-arousal has put you into fight/flight mode...'Lizard Brain'...and last time I looked, there are no lizards on Mensa's membership list.
Plenty in government, though (don't get me started).
This isn't about blame or guilt, anyway. You were attracted to the guy but showed sensitivity by keeping it under wraps, he then mixed-messaged you then convincingly shone the Green light, you proceeded as programmed... Cup came out last.
Reckon that's why he's avoiding you: HE feels he humiliated himself.
Ha-ha! Just read your next bit.
Imagine I'm a 6ft bloke with a six pack, hard bone and muscle - angles everywhere, snake hips, and long, long legs. Courtesy of the fact I've seen that image practically all day every day in the mirror, that's my primary mental model of "BLOKE". Do I want to hug up to a woman with the same or similar features to me - "the bloke"? Do I *look* homosexual? That's going to be a turn-off.
No, you both want forms that are THE OPPOSITE because the genders are opposite and, sexually, opposites attract.
Turn it around: Would you want to cuddle up to a man with soft skin, curves, bulges and squidgy bits and womanly legs to-boot? (You're *supposed* to have shorter legs.)
Interesting psych fact time: forget the boobs, forget the tummy, hips, legs, anyway. FACE, even! What ACTUALLY turns men on most about women is how they move when they walk and which style of movement flicks their mental PHWOOAR switch. The front silhouette in motion. That simple. It's LITERALLY all in your hips.
That's what draws them in for the next step: that chemical 'pong' known as chemistry.
Then comes you not behaving like a loony tune and putting him off. Plus having had some - enough - similarities in how your families behaved and operated.
You're as desirable as the man - one of very many - who's programmed to find you desirable, whether he wants to or planned to or not. The rest is just flourish and detail. If you fancy someone, you then try to rationalise why (with complete b*llocks), and FIND things in common (we both love spaghetti...and breathing oxygen). But there's nothing conscious about it. Loads of guys, in fact, think short legs on women makes them cuter and more feminine ...makes them feel manlier. And that's my point here: make a man feel manlier + have swaying hips + enjoy breathing + behave sanely - and you're in. However, the other, most vital ingredient of all is CONFIDENCE. Liking yourself enough, overall, and therefore giving off behaviour to show you're comfy in your own skin.
Say it 10 times: I have girlie-cutesie, opposite-of-manly legs.
Yes, both of you were (technically) culpable. Why does the fact he regrets it (for scuppering a budding friendship as well as ending up feeling like a piece of meat through his own fault?) have to mean his thinking you're to blame? Men avoid women and can seem hostile just because they're ASHAMED. And every time they clock you it stabs them all over again. That's the point of a talk to clear it up.
It doesn't make you look desperate, it makes you look drunk and horny THAT PARTICULAR NIGHT. Don't forget your months and months(?) of incredible restraint in the run-up, which no doubt came over as sexual disinterest, just platonic like? I think you'll find those cancel out the one night.
I would use that angle if I were you, as well: "Sorry... I really shouldn't let myself get that drunk if that's what happens. I can't believe I was so bold, that's so not me, normally!". Put it this way: if you knew someone for 90 days and only one - or even two - of those days, the person sneezed, you wouldn't turn around and claim he or she had a terminal cold, now, would you.
Anyway, where did his looks get him? Or for that matter, where did his (possibly) having a model type girlfriend get him? Answer: Mashed.
Trust me, when your heart and mind's been battered senseless for too long, all you want thereafter 'is a good heart' (all-too common statement). Read that again.
Is he now dating that nurse? Nope. Nobody is going to be able to get to his heart without going the very long route - through the Trusted Friend door.
You've been high and dry because of your missing, vital ingredient... the lead one, in fact: confidence.
What *you* think of you is neither here nor there, anyway. I mean, listening to that run-down- sorry - RUNNING down of yourself, all I'd say to it is - so don't marry yourself, then.
For all you know, you're scheduled to bump into your husband in the coming weeks. And yet here you are, meanwhile wasting your last-ever free & single, please-yourself era.
Maybe it's because you're still under the effects of a seeming knock-back but... your attitude toward yourself is ALL WRONG.
You're probably also 'guessing' wrong. No WAY would a man approach a woman he'd fallen out with to talk all touchie-feelie with another bloke present, no way. Too humiliating. He was probably paranoiacally assuming you'd already told this bloke all about it, including the lack of stirring part. Let's see, shall we? Did you happen to say to your companion, That's him - over there? Or, even, companion saw you looking intently in 'friend's' direction and followed your gaze, thereby giving the impression you were saying, 'There he is, that's the one!'?
I would NOT be surprised if he feels cheapened and betrayed (remember - he's been put in the FEMALE position...because a woman mashed him), having wanted a pure friend who then suddenly seemed to show she'd merely fancied him.
I think it would be good for you to find out how he feels thus why he behaved as he did, I really do. Email or text him if you really can't face him in-person. If you could feed your self-esteem this way, you'd be less likely to be calling yourself old and ugly. And on behalf of yourself, by the way: How dare you. HOW DARE YOU! Wash your mouth out and apologise to yourself immediately. That was self-verbal abuse and no mistaking.
"Going at the rate I am, I don't even see kids in the future so grandkids are like a real life Mickeyvmice in my non existent Disneyland!"
Well, then, WHEN it happens, it'll be a nice surprise, won't it.
You have 'someone's' chemistry. You'd have a harder time trying *not* to pair up and marry. Try it? I know plenty who have - even going so far as shaving their heads and wearing shapeless dungarees, etc. And failed, regardless.
I strongly suggest you start forgetting about dating, give your (time-pressured, panic-induced) libido time to pipe down, and then start to focus on dating yourself. Spoil yourself rotten until you GLOW. Your subconscious does not know it's you doing the spoiling. Proven method. Having spoiled yourself enough, you'll grow to really like and rate yourself and thereby gain/re-gain that vital missing ingredient. Self-Like aka CONFIDENCE. The only reason you don't have it is because you haven't got to know yourself well enough to judge. That's what causes ALL of the symptoms you display.
(Read me more than once because I have a way of getting in.)
Lastly, but not leastly: that last line was exceptionally cleverly witty so you clearly have attractive innards (called intelligence and creativity) at the very, very least. Work on that.
So, then - how are you going to spoil yourself? What's first on that list?