I’m only with my boyfriend so he doesn’t commit suicide
I’ve been with my boyrfriend for a few months now and I was so happy in the first few but now not so much. He is a very dependant person and so am I but I do not show that side for his sake. I struggle with anxiety and depression and this relationship has been negatively affecting it. I don’t share any of this with him because he gets upset and angry quite easily so if I’m sad he’ll blame it on himself, make me feel terrible and way worse. He has told me many times how much I’ve improved his life and how it wasn’t worth living without me. He has also told me that he wants to commit suicide... I put the two together and I believe he will take his own life away if I break up with him. I’m so unhappy right now and have considered taking my own life away too. Both of us cannot go to therapy because of family issues.
I’m unhappy because I feel like the mom of a toddler because he’s always complaining about little things, getting sad about literally nothing, if I’m ever sad and he can’t cheer me up he’ll be sad and I have to cheer him up and then he forgets about my problems and he is just sooo dependant. If I don’t see him once a day, he’ll start crying and tell me he’s sad, making me feel like a terrible person when I just want a little space. He thinks we’re fine, I don’t. When I’m not around him my anxiety levels go down and the depression is barely ever there. I have no idea what to do and I neep advice asap please! :(
He’s blackmailing you.
Any other of his relatives around?
Tell them you are leaving. They can deal with him.
(He sounds like he needs to be hospitalized, anyway. )
Susiedqq is right - (he does).
"COUGH!"...oh, look what's fallen out, how did that happen! (;-))...
..."What is Vulnerable Narcissism?
There are 2 true forms of narcissism. There is the obvious, difficult to miss, grandiose narcissist. Then there is the vulnerable narcissist or the narcissist-vulnerable subtype. You can know one for years without ever picking up on their narcissistic tendencies. Vulnerable narcissists, (also called covert narcissists) fly under the radar. They have a high self-esteem but seem quiet and reserved.
A vulnerable narcissist is perfect, but the world is out to get them. Try as they might, they never get the attention they want. So, they manipulate the people around them to get it."
It's funny, isn't it, how these "sad little, meek little, mild little mew-mew, boo-boo puppies who mean NO HARM and have a HEART OF GOLD", somehow,... still,... *conversely*..., are increasingly poisoning your life. Oh, and mutineering your right to attention every time. Like, when you're the one who's sad ("I'm sadder!"). Which translates to (you) "Please meet my need" / "No, you meet mine!".
Me-Me-Me, I-I-I (and sod you!).
(You're in good company. LOADS of targets/victims here!)
He attempts to gain COMPLETE control of your life (and personality) by turning your guilt tap to ON, via the (fake) tears and mewls. He wants his way (every time), spoiled, lazy, greedy, bullying, heartless baby that he is, but over the years (as he's honed his craft), has decided its less labour-intensive to default-act like a (yep, you said it!) baby trapped inside a grown-up shell.
Another word for them is Covert (but, as abovementioned, Vulerables are actually a sub-type of that most insidious group).
You are not mad (by the way). He is. Morally. (Although what's the differencio.) You're the sane one, who holds the opposite world view to the insane him...how dare you, you must be enslaved in his cult of two until you agree with absolutely everything he thinks and says and tend to his every whim... until you are long-term spent (or ill). Which is when he'll Discard you (google) for A.N. Other, kept readied in the wings, possibly permanently unless he meanwhile sees you filling back up with juice... at which point he'll Hoover you (google).
Have a little surfipoos on the site-source of that above snippet: https://www.thrivetalk.com/vulnerable-narcissism/
And then just google Vulnerable Narcissist. And then feel free to come straight back to discuss or ask further questions.
Excuse the humour, by the way. Just trying to remind you of what it was like when you used to smile. ;-)
And don't worry a jot and waste your energy. He'll soon be striking you as merely ludicrous and futile. Which, of course, he would have done from the start, had he not deliberately hidden this 'extra bonus side' (ugh) to him whilst keeping you constantly blotto on Honeymoon Heroin so's you wouldn't be able to tell what an a-hole he really was (google Love Bombing...although I think these types need their own criterium label of 'Appealing To Your Sympathy-Bombing'). But, for now, I understand the constant hurt and confusion is really getting to you. (It does, you know.)
Oh, and - one last thing: Ha-ha, I'd like to see him?! They can't, you see. Commit suicide. :-)
Next time he says that, say, 'Yeah? Well? *I'm* going to swim to the moon!" (Mwa-ha)
Feeling any better? :-)
Sorry - 'Vivian' (I dun speld it rong).
Vivian, listen (if you're reading but not responding), I forgot to say: Don't say anything to him. Don't breathe a word. Or you might put him into a Narcissistic Rage (google). You might be convinced by his nowadays automatic "mew-mew" facade but, trust me, I've seen your Vulnerables fly into rages that make Taz of Tazmania look like a waxwork dummy.
Also, if you're looking for a way out, he might sense it (heightened primitive senses - again, google) and start acting up and pulling on your guilt strings even more in order to exhaust you more thoroughly and destroy your new-found resolve.
Lastly for now: don't beat yourself up if he manages to persuade you round or, indeed, already has. Depending on whether other escape-friendly elements are cooperating at the time, it can take more than the one attempt (run-ups) before one succeeds at ending things with these master manipulators.
Here you go - this is a better article. Good ol' Dana (see her on YouTube, people find her manner both really comforting and uplifting, which is what you need right now). And note as intimated by this article, even your Overt Narcissists try the (what I call) "Pityy Meee, Mummyyy" ploy, when the over-aggressive approach is failing:
"Narcissists really are ridiculous human beings once you see their manipulations and lies for the nonsense that they are. One of the more ridiculous ploys of a Narcissist is the “Feel sorry for me because I’m sick” ploy. The “sickness ploy” happens right around the time that you are threatening to leave, or have recently left a Narcissist–although it can happen months or years later as part of a “hoover.”
In this ploy, a Narcissist will throw out all the stops in order for you to feel sorry for them, and focus on their “sickness” instead of their behavior. Some examples of common sicknesses that they use are: having cancer, having a heart attack, needing to go to rehab, being suicidal…and maybe even mental illness (the voices are what made them do it). The vast majority of times, none of these sicknesses are even real.
So…do Narcissists commit suicide?
The two that I hear from others (and have heard in my own life) are a Narcissist claiming that they, or someone close to them has either cancer or is suicidal. More likely than not, these are not true. They are just a rouse to pull at your heartstrings and to get you to reopen communication with them. After all, if you were to reopen communication with them because of some life-threatening reason, you’d put all your anger at them aside, and probably approach them with compassion and concern…and that’s what they are hoping for. If their suicide threats are legitimate, the best thing you can do for them is to call 911 and let the professionals get them the help the need. If you do call 911, and it turns out they really aren’t suicidal, I can guarantee you it’s a game they will be a lot more hesitant to play with you next time, as all the attention of sirens, and EMS showing up at their door runs a risk of damaging their public image. And we all know how much work they put into maintaining their precious public image!
Why are they lying about having cancer or being suicidal?
They are using the sickness ploy for two reasons: To get you to reopen communication with them, and/or to get your attention onto their “sickness” and off of their behavior. You might think that it’s harmless to reopen communication with a Narcissist–that just one short text message won’t hurt anything…but it does. That one short text message is exactly what they want. They know that once you respond to them, they’ve convinced you to crack open that door of communication. Once that door is unlocked and cracked open, they know they can easily bust it in. In fact, they are banking on it.
What kind of person does that?!
A highly manipulative person (generally a Narcissist or Sociopath) is the kind of person who lies about these kinds of things, that’s who. Keep in mind that they do not have moral or values. Their only goal is to get their ego fed. That’s it. They don’t care about love, or happiness, or relationships, or their children. They really don’t. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. If they come across like they love you or their children, it’s because wearing the mask of a good husband or father somehow feeds their ego. That’s it.
Their goal with the “sickness” ploy is nothing but another lie in an attempt to manipulate you into giving them what they want–which is generally access back into your life. Keep in mind that they don’t want access back to you because they love you (they don’t love like “normal” people do). They want access back because you are providing them with some sort of supply–whether it is sex, attention, food, clothing, shelter, money and/or status of some kind. [She forgot 'your enlisted, constant encouragement against their getting off their mentally or physically (or both) lazy a*ses and pulling their relationship weight']
So now you know that there is such a thing as a “sickness” ploy, don’t fall for it! Stand strong. Stay “No Contact” or “Gray Rock.” Cutting off, or limiting communication like this might feel like you are playing a game, and in reality you are–and have been all along, you just didn’t know it. Is it next to impossible to have “healthy” communication with a Narcissist or a Sociopath. In fact, if you were to do so, you would be setting yourself up for more manipulation, and potentially great harm, as you are being open and honest and they are trying to manipulate. The more open and honest you are, the more ammo you are giving them to hurt you with. You need to set boundaries with them in whatever way works best for you. It’s high time you started putting yourself first, and them second. (I know this is hard for all you codependent, caregiving types out there–myself included!)
[In fact, you don't have to be codependent or anything. Clinical fact. Everyone with particularly healthy amounts of empathy, morals, strength and pazzaz is a potential target in their lifetime. Their egos LOVE the challenge of managing to pull a particularly strong and impressive/charismatic man or woman down! What counts is whether, when and how quickly one manages to escape that fauxlationship.]
If you are ready to leave this manipulative person, it helps to prepare yourself for the potential of more nonsense and lies from them, and from their “flying monkeys.” In fact, I’d say that once you leave is (unfortunately) when the real manipulations begin. But don’t let me saying that deter you from leaving. My goal is to set you up for success. I want you to know what you are in for, so you don’t get caught up in their lies for any longer than you already have. Get a game plan for how to leave them; get a support system in place, and get the hell out. You can do this. Hell, you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist–everything else in life is a cake walk compared to this!"
(She's good, isn't she. :-))