Newlywed and struggling
oh man so everyone please hold your judgements because i know that not everyone would be as hopeful for love as i am but...heres the back story.
weve been dating for 3 years, 1 year was amazing! Best boyfriend ever. We did everything right. He was a perfect gentleman. He still opens my door to this day in fact. But the 2 following years were hell. Verbally abusive and physically but we were both on drugs. When he got arrested and sobered up he told me he realized how much he treated me wrongly and was so sorry. Anyways I believed him and ended up marrying him while he was locked up. While he was in he was back to the best man ever. Constantly asking me how he could be there for me because i was going to rehab and trying to work on me so when he got out we would have a good start to our marriage. Basically he got out and weve been struggling. there is no trust. so i moved out. about 2 years into our relationship i couldve sworn he started using vibrating butt plugs but when i asked him he completely denied it and called me stupid and all kinds of names so i second guessed myself. Now that i moved out to work on our relationship from a distance he is acting the SAME way i wont go into details but i can tell and i can hear it. i played dumb last night when he hid it under the pillow and i pushed the pillow on the floor and it vibrated against the wall. i just dont want to embarrass him. but i feel like he is just going the wrong direction instead of fixing us. I dont understand why he wont admit it...i feel like im not satisfying him enough on my own. and as his wife i feel like toys should be a bond between us not a secret. idk a part of me just wants to tell myself its not a big deal but the other part of is convinced that he is reverting back to his old ways and will start hiding even more things from me...porn...chatting.. pof. We were on and off when he was doign that but now were married and i will be devastated. should i get an annulment now while i can JUST IN CASE we dont work and because divorce is expensive and getting remarried isnt that expensive or would that send him the wrong message. As if im giving up on us? i just want to ask him again about it but were not close like we used to be. we dont openly talk to eachother anymore, so i am almost certain he wouldnt be honest anyways. i need advice about what to do. i am feeling like im the only one reading up on how to fix us and looking for counseling and trying to communicate but he claims im the only woman he has eyes for and that he wants our marriage to last. please help me :(
If asked him and he denies it to the fullest and tell me im crazy for thinking that and ya iv thought many times that he could be gay.