Afraid to talk to people I care about. Could really use some help here
First i suffer from bad anxity. and right now, it is at about a 12. I feel i can't talk to anyone in my family about anything. and worst yet, i have found out, that pretty much i am on my own.. I have went through a very bad breakup, and have been at my daughters for the past few weeks. with no phone, and no way to contact anyone. I can't even express how i am even feeling. When everything first happned, i was brought up to my daughters, and because everything had just happened, i had no sleep, could not even think straight. I just left town, . I am going to my dad's this Monday. However after giving things much thought. and even writing things down. i know this is not the best choice. i am even very suicidel thinking about it. He is not supportive, and i will be stuck there, with no way to get around, and we have no relationship. The other evening my daughter, had been drinking, and i overheard her saying to her boyfriend that she could not deal with my problems, and that she really has no relationship with me. She told me that they are going to rent a car to take me to my dad's. Which now i feel guilty if i decide that i can not stay there.. I have been thinking about going back to the city i was living in, becasue there is a better support group there, and i will have a better chance, of getting back on my feet, and getting myself back together. but i know if i do this. everyone is going to think. going back to my ex. which is not true.. i just know people there, and where i can get the help i need, and i don't feel that going somewhere, that all i an think about is not wanting to be there, . It had already been said that, i will be his caretaker, and take care of his bils. and no one will help me get anywhere, i even asked if i could maybe just come for a visit, and see if i can make it there, ect, and it is no, you need to stay or else. and that i have no choices, which is something that i can't deal with anymore.. is the you have no choice thing.. so how do i handle this. do i just go there, and deal with it, so i don't make anyone mad. or do i tell them this is how i feel, and if they get mad so be it.. not sure what to do here. any advise would be very helpful
I agree in going where i feel safe. And no i really haven't been able to gather my thoughts at all. I haven't been able to talk or even just be able to let go of everything i have been through. When i left, like i said it was spur of the moment, and i had no sleep, and was beside myself. As far as the closure thing, i kind of do need it. And at some point i want to get our dogs back, i was the one that took care of them, loved them ect. and they were more then just pets to me. Plus he has some of his things in my storage. But also he was not always a jerk. At one time. he was very loving, and he took care of some things to, and we was not just a boyfriend. but my best friend to. and someone i thought i would always be able to count on. We even had talked about if things at some point did not work out, we would always have each other's back. and be there for each other. He knew how my family was, and is. And it was not till we moved in with the mom, that things went down hill. So him doing that, yes did take me by surprise. So i know going back to the city where i was living will be the best thing for me.. if i want to get myself together, and have some kind of plan. And belive me, i have had some time to think this through. I know i am going to have to tell my family that is what i want to do. I have a feeling i won't have there blessing.. but honestly if i go to my dad's. it is not as though they will have anything to do with me anyhow. And i know i will be ok. it is just getting over the anxity. of just saying this is what i need to do for me. I really have been kind of a people pleaser all my life, and i need to stop doing that. I just need to take a deep breath and tell them.
There is this TV show I like, about an attorney. He starts off as a real nobody, doesn't even have his own office or secretary, and in this one episode he manages to receive a job offer from a big law firm to work on a big case he started. It's his big break!
But he ends up turning the job offer down at first, wanting time to think on it, ultimately desiring to get away from other stresses in his life. Without a word to anyone, he heads back to his hometown and reconnects with an old friend, and they spend a week or longer ripping people off and hustling them for money at a bar. The action is selfish and childish, but makes him feel alive because he reconnecting with the person who he really is, rather than continuing to project a facade as a lawyer.
I think in relationships we sort of lose touch with who we are, to a degree. We become the person our partner wants/needs, and neglect ourselves. You've had a little bit of time away from your (let's just say it for the record, it's a 'dead') relationship, and though you obviously didn't find much to distract yourself with since then, you have had time to stew over the situation and realize you're not happy with the path you've chosen in becoming your father's slave.
In this TV show I spoke of, the lawyer's friend dies while he's on his little respite, during a trick they're running to take money from some dumb sap. It's sudden and unexpected, and has an impact on the lawyer from then on. Anyway, he returns to the place where he practices law, even though he doesn't really want to, and accepts the job he was offered at the big firm. Despite being really good at conning people, he continues to wear that facade of an agent of the law. Because that is his livelihood, that is how he makes the real bucks. Continuing to scam people will inevitably result in the lawyer eventually being arrested and thrown into jail again - not a happy outcome.
Let's face it, it sounds like moving in with your Dad is not going to get you anywhere. Middle of nowhere? Ooof! No phone? *cringe* Unable to drive anywhere? Forget about it! This has disaster written all over it. Your dad hasn't been a big part of your life for a reason - he isn't worth it. You SHOULD NOT move in with your dad. I would not give this a second thought. As much as you hate the thought of going back to the city where you lived with your ex, there's plenty more resources for you there. Keep going the way you're going, and you'll practically be in jail - forced to be your Dad's slave and not have any way to get out of this huge rut.
It's a shame your own daughter isn't very supportive. But you know, it isn't her job to be supportive here, as great as that would be. Apparently she is an adult and has her own life now. I would just honestly forget about family right now and focus on You. Have your daughter take you back to that city. It has a bus line. It has bars. It has opportunity for work and housing. Your alternative does not.
You know, when I broke up with my ex, at first I was extremely conflicted about whether that meant I could continue to live in this city, one I am not originally from. What I quickly realized is, cities are big and have tons of people. It doesn't matter if I stay or go, I am just another shmuck. I haven't seen my ex much at all since we went on bad terms, and I see her current man from time to time but he avoids me. So it's really not an issue, we can continue to both live here and not really come into contact.
The city can be difficult to survive at times, but it offers you chances a small town just doesn't. So what that your ex lives there, who cares? Also, who cares what other people think about your reasoning for moving back? You are doing right by yourself, and part of that is utilizing what is available to you. There's a lot more at your disposal in the city than there is in the middle of nowhere. Tell your daughter to take you back where you were and find a job, and a place to crash. That is your best bet.