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Depressed husband admits cheating

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My husband and I have been together 5 years and married for one. He has very recently been diagnosed with depression.

Earlier this week he left me a letter telling me that when we first started dating (before we married) he cheated on me twice (kissing random girls- the first was a very drunken mistake the second was trying to impress his boss at a work party)

I obviously was devastated, felt betrayed
and angry that he couldn't even tell me this to my face and that he kept it from me for so long. He told me in the letter that the reason he was telling me as that he had hit an 'all time low' and he understood if I didnt want to see him so he could stay at a friends that night if needed.

Just as I had finished reading he came home. I slammed the door in his face before he could come in.
He texted me the following day telling me that he had to come home to get some things but would leave before I got home if I still didnt want to see him. I explained I was just trying to get through the week at work and haven't had time to process. All of our interactions this week had felt like he didnt really care and cold. I just wanted him to see him fighting to fix things but he just disappeared.

Friday night came I invited him back to talk. He told me he was working but that he still wanted to. I told him maybe Sunday.
I was then upset to find out he went out Saturday night with his friends, however later found out he broke down, smashed a glass in his hand out of anger and got kicked out of the venue and told his friends what was going on.

He came over today and had very little to
say. He kept repeating that he didnt know what I want from him. I told him I would expect he would be apologising, fighting for this, grovelling,but that I felt like the reason he had told me this was because he wanted to end our marriage but was too cowardly so he thought this would make me leave him. He denied it and told me he still loved me and wanted to fix it however my gut told me differently.

I then spoke to our mutual friend who had been with him the Saturday night. He explained that he had told them he has been sleeping in his car and having suicidal thoughts, that he just feels numb about it all and feels like a psychopath for not 'feeling' anything anymore. This recently happened when his Nan died and now also this.

Now I am feeling guilt and wonder if this is all some kind of self sabotage linked to his mental illness? I obviously still love and care for him and dont want him to feel this way and want to help, however I also still feel so hurt and angry. I have told his close friends and family so someone can look out for him but I just dont know where to go from here with our marriage. Any advice would be amazing.

Depressed husband admits cheating

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This was posted a little while ago now. How are things now ?

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