Liking a flatmate who doesn’t like me back
Hi everyone, I’m new here and just really need to talk about my problem as I feel like I have no where else to go.
I started university 3 weeks ago and had to move into the university’s on-campus residence. I have 5 other flatmates (4 boys and 1 girl). Sometime during the first week we all went out and I kissed the girl who is my flatmate and when we got back we kissed some but we had to discuss what was going to happen with us. We decided to be friends as it wouldn’t work out with the whole flatmate dynamic - which is the best decision for everyone and I completely agree with it. As the weeks progressed we went out more and more as a group and myself and the girl would constantly hold hands and cuddle with each other on the way back.
I quickly realised that I like this girl even though we decided on being friends. I really really wish that I could turn this feeling off but no matter how hard I try I just can’t. One night I told the girl how I felt but she said she wasn’t invested which I completely respect and understand - I just had to get it off my chest. We would still always talk to each other and tag each other in these silly things on social media.
I really like talking to this girl and although we’ll never be together I just want her to be happy. Sometime last week we were talking late at night and she said she told a boy that she liked him and wanted to see him which, again, is fair enough - it’s her life. She told me that what we did on the first week was different and I took it to mean that it didn’t mean anything and she never cared at all and still didn’t (I’m extremely bad for overthinking situations). The next morning I apologised to her for over reacting (I still just want her to be happy), but as I sit here now and type this out I feel that the damage has already been done.
We never talk that much anymore, only small talk really, and she hates to be alone with me, she would much rather just walk out the room. One of my other flatmates is a boy that I’ve known for a couple of years now, the said girl really likes to be around him. Anytime he says anything in the group chat, she responds immediately. Anything he says, she laughs at, whereas now she just completely ignores me. I think this is where it hurts the most, as I said above, I just want her to be happy and I’ll always be there for her, I just really don’t know what to do. I’m literally losing sleep over it from stress and overthinking.
It sounds like this all happened really fast! you kissed each other in the first week, and in a week, you wouldn't of got to know each other properly.
If you decided there and then to just remain friends, then that's probably what she wanted, and she followed it up by telling you that properly when you told her you liked her. She was honest. And I like that you're accepting of this, even though you're now find it hard to switch off your feelings for her but I don't think it will last forever.
It probably wasn't best idea for her to tell you that she likes someone else, after you very recently told her your feelings for her. she could of been a bit more sensitive or talked to another friend about it, but maybe that was her trying to clarify she wants to be friends, she enjoys talking to you and didn't want things to become uncomfortable.
I would try to stop over analysing it now. I think it's really easy to dwell on things like this, but not to the point where your getting stressed out about it or loosing sleep, because she isn't. It happened. It's just the beginning of the uni year and you will meet other people too.
you might need to find a way to break the ice with her again at some point, so that you both feel comfortable being around each other whilst youre living together.
Hi Lily, thanks for the response and the advice!
I thought I’d give an update to the whole situation.
The girl is now dating a guy she met on a dating app. I talked to my flatmate (the one I thought she liked) and he helped me to get over my biggest fears. He told me that she was trying to set him up with one of her friends and she told him the same thing she told me: “It’s not a good idea to date flatmates” which I still agree with.
I feel like my biggest fear from the whole situation was that she lied to me, and was actually seeing my flatmate - that would have hurt more than anything. I also feel like she’s not as comfortable around me anymore. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and just not feel anything.
Now that she is currently dating someone else I am happy for her more than anything else, she’s a great friend and I’d never want to jeopardise that. We have stopped talking a lot, which kind of hurts a bit. She ignores a lot of my snapchats, never messages me anymore and would rather be on her phone whilst I’m speaking but I guess this was always going to be the outcome. Whereas with my flatmate, she laughs at everything he says, and is always quick to shut me down when they’re together, not to mention that she always had time to listen to anything he has to say. That kind of hurts too as I feel like I’ve been replaced but I guess it’s something I can deal with.
I just really wish I could tell her that I care for her, and just want her to be happy in life - even if that happiness doesn’t stem from me, but I know I can never say any of the things I want to say without ruining what’s left. I want her to know that if anything happens she can talk to me about it and I’ll be there to support her through it all, every step of the way - but I know I can’t say that. With all that being said, I am genuinely glad that the person she is dating makes her happy, because that’s all I want for her.
With all that out of the way, I feel like I may have made a mistake. I asked a girl I’ve known for a long time (but never actually met), out on a date. This is a problem as I feel like I’m rebounding (if that’s the word for this situation). This girl lives in a town, far away, and is never really in the same city as me, and it’s also a pain to get to where she stays. As I’ve talked more and more to this girl I’m realising that there’s not much of a spark - if any. We’re going to meet up on the weekend for a few drinks but now I’m not sure if I want to go through with it as I don’t think it’ll work out between us. I don’t want to hurt this girl some time down the line if I know I’m not interested - she’s an amazing girl and deserves someone better than myself.
I agree, it's not a good idea to date flatmates. I think it would be a lot worse if you did start to date her and then it didn't work out and you had to carry on living with her. She's been consistent in telling your other flatmate that too.
I'm pleased you got your fears out.
Maybe you will get things back on track, I think you both just need some space and it will take time. You do your thing, and she will do hers.
Break the ice again later on and surgest a movie night or something equally laid back, in a group or the two of you. Go by what she's comfortable with, and keep the conversation very light hearted. The point is you suggested it and you're showing her there are no hard feelings. Or slowly start talking to her again, ask her something, just don't take it too personally (easier said then done, I know) if she brushes you off. Clearly she needs time.
As for this other girl, you could follow your instincts and not go. Or you could go and just not expect anything to happen romantically and don't analyse it too much. I don't think it actually happens that quickly on the very first date. The positive thing that would come out of meeting her is that you might have a new friend...or not if you decide you don't have a lot in common. You will only hurt her if you're not completely honest with her from the very start.
Oops! Too much, too soon, too fast... now she’s seeing the need to backpeddle the entire situation, and that’s difficult to do, especially with a roommate.
You really need to be honest about your feelings. You have so much more than “ friend” feelings for her, and she knows this. This is making her feel uncomfortable. Thus, she has put you on “ignore” and even “stay away.”
This may be a situation that can’t be remedied to your satisfaction. She may not trust you to interpret her friendship as nothing more than that.
Start more of a social life outside of your home life. Join groups and put yourself out there.
If you don’t feel better, consider moving next semester. You mystn’t get yourself sick over this.