Shall I give him another chance?
I'm a 27-year-old female who has been single for around 5 years after the break up of a long-term relationship. Since then I have focused on myself and haven't really thought about pursing a relationship. I have also felt like I haven't met anyone during this time that I have been able to connect with or have feelings for. In December last year I decided that I was finally ready and joined a dating website, I met a guy who I hit it off with instantly.
We went on our first date, after the date he sent me a message to say that he had not been long out of a relationship and didn't want to lead me on but was happy to see me again. I didn't really know what to think at this stage, I thought It was a bit full-on to be thinking about that already, but I appreciated the honesty and thought ‘well I might as well, I have nothing to lose’, so decided I would see him again.
Fast forward a few months, we had been seeing each other a lot, going out on dates etc and I started to develop feelings for him. I realised this so I asked him if he had slept with anyone else during the time he had been seeing me (for both health reasons, but to also determine where we were both at) and he admitted to sleeping with two different people (one was someone he knows, and one was a one night stand) we weren't official, but I honestly felt like shit when he told me this. He ensured that he was more interested in me and that he wouldn’t mess me around.
On that night he was going out with friends. He phoned me the next morning and told me that he had seen his ex when out drinking with friends. She was with another man, laughing and pointing so he ended up having a fight with him. He is not an aggressive person, but this obviously shows that he wasn’t in a very good place and wasn’t over his ex.
After processing these two days of events I had decided to stop seeing him. I called him to let him know, and he knew it was coming, he convinced me that he really liked me and that he wanted to continue seeing me and asked if we could be exclusive from this point on. I agreed and continued to see him.
Another month went by, we were having the best time ever and we just had this connection that I really can’t describe. We both felt the same and started to develop feelings for each other. We were doing everything together, going out, staying in, long phone calls, holding hands (all that couple stuff) - it was as if we were in a relationship. We decided to give the ‘officialness’ a go. It only lasted a few weeks. After a conversation we had I figured that he still wasn’t over his ex, and wasn’t sure if this was ‘too soon’ or the right thing to do. By this point I was fed up and ended the very short relationship!
Not long after this he convinced me that he wanted to have another go. He ensured me it wouldn’t happen again and that he was over his ex. So stupid me, decided to give him another chance. I realised how much I had started falling for him and how much I wanted this to work for us. We met each others parents, spent even more time together, he spent my birthday with me, treat me really well, and everything was going amazing. Until one night he said he had received a phonecall from his ex (who he hadn’t had contact with for months – since the fight) and she just wanted to ask about a password for Amazon Prime account (hahaha I found this hilarious!), they sorted that out and had a short civil conversation just to ask how each other was doing. She did mention she had found out he had a new girlfriend … which is what I think was the real reason why she was actually calling!
Anyway, he told me (he is always honest I can give him that!) but also said that he couldn’t sleep properly that night. At this time he was having some career issues so it was that, but I had suspicions it also had something to do with his ex, so I started to question him. Basically, he admitted he still wasn’t over his ex and didn’t want to look toward the future with me and he was just taking things day by day, he really really likes me but wanted to just enjoy the time we were spending together and wanted to take it slow.
I was absolutely fuming!!!!!! Just to clarify, we did not understand each other’s definitions of ‘being over an ex’. His version is that he doesn’t want to be back with her, he can’t stand her, and hates what she done to him (slept with someone else straight after they split up) and just cant get over the trauma of splitting up and what she did to him. However, when someone says to me that they ‘arn’t over their ex’ I automatically think they are still attached and have strong feelings for this person. Can you be with someone when you ‘arn’t over your ex’? I wouldn’t think so.
Anyway, that was it. The final straw. I’d had enough and told him not to bother with me again! This was the most painful thing ever, it really tested me, my mental health and self-worth and just threw me completely off. Even to the point where I had a breakdown and nearly lost my job. I couldn’t believe that someone could do this to me, I was so angry and heartbroken. I was also angry with myself for letting it happen!
After a week without contact and blocking his number, he was attempting to speak and get my attention on social media. I sent him a really nasty message telling him to piss off, after a few days I felt guilt and wanted to end things civilly. We continued to speak, that developed into seeing each other, which has now developed into him asking me out on dates.
We are literally going around in circles and I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I know half of this has been my absolute stupidity, letting someone walk over me like this. And I know this does seem really really negative but the good times were amazing and deep-down he is a genuine lovely guy. Truth is, I am in love with this guy and can not get the idea out of my head that we would be perfect together. We have an amazing connection, get along so well and the times we are together are just electric … I really cant explain it. I have a feeling he is going to ask if we can give it another go.
What shall I do?
Thank you so much to anyone that has read this all the way through. I really appreciate it (and I know it is so long!!! Haha). I’ve literally hit rock bottom, im a mess and I’m desperate to find help or some kind of answer. Any feedback or thoughts will be greatly appreciated.
In the very beginning, he said he didn't want lead you on but that is exactly what he has done, each time and he's played with your emotions.
It does sound like he's not over his ex, he actually admitted it but he still managed to talk you round each time you've tried to break up with him.
I can't help but think he knows what he's doing and that he's quite manipulative and I'm not surprised it making you feel the way to are at the moment, and you've hit rock bottom but it's not your fault
I think this because he repeating this behaviour to the point where he's now trying to get your attention from social media because he's been blocked.
My advice would don't give him another go, he's already had more then one. I think it would be very hard to trust what he says and you're right he's not in a good place (he got in a fight when he could of controlled his anger and walk away) and clearly needs time to get over his ex.
Can you google look up narcassistic personality pls?
Being “ over” someone takes time - Because it can be all so complicated.
He may not know WHAT part of the relationship he is not over and counseling could have helped sort this out.
Put some parameters around your availability to him. Insist he gets therapy in order for him to move on with his life - and have anything to do with you. You deserve 100% from him, not the shreds of a past relationship.