My brother in law is a compulsive liar and a psychopath. Help!
My brother in law is crazy and I need your kind advice on how to deal with him. Both my husband and his parents are in complete denial though, which means I am in a position where I need to see him every so often and socialize with him.
The first night I met him, he punched my husband, who can't harm a fly, and his girlfriend tried to hit me when I tried to intervene. This was my first impression of this fool.
Just so you have a small glimpse of what he's like, he made his parents move house for him, he got involved with a girl who had a dangerous family, so the whole family had to move. He made his parents mortgage their own house so they could pay for his debts. He's constantly in debt, he asks his parents for loans all the time while my husband gets zero. His parents will pay for his constant house moves, they pay for his rent, they give him lavish presents for his birthday. This year they paid for a trip to Paris, a hotel and a nice restaurant for him and his wife while they gave 50 euros to my husband for his birthday.
They tell my husband how his brother is always asking for money and how each time they say it's the last time they're helping him but they never stop. Last time we spoke they said they had given him 3000 dollars because he was in debt, we got married that year and they gave us zero. My parents in law always tell my husband how what they give to one, they give to the other but it's not true, because they constantly give him loads of money while my husband gets nothing. My husband says his parents don't own him anything and he refuses to ask them for anything. Do you think this is fair? We are currently trying to start a family and live in a tiny flat and would love to move. House price are too high and it would be great to have some help with a down payment, obviously, my husband doesn't want to ask his parents. Should I persuade him to have a serious conversation with his parents? My parents have always helped me in my brother with this kind of things.
My other issue is that we are going to see my brother-in-law soon and he is manipulative. All my husband friends are friendly with him (he has no friends) and many times I can see they talk about me with him. He knows I'm on to him so I'm afraid of what he might say to them, also I know he manipulates the truth trying to make it look that my husband's friends don't like me, I am sure he said this to his parents. This keeps me up at night. The next time I am going to meet him I am going to meet his new girlfriend and I feel like her impression of me will be very tainted. Should I tell her what I think of him and why I don't like him to be with my husband? Should I tell my husband friends to stop sharing what they know of us as a couple to him cos he will use those stories to manipulate and tell lies to his parents? I've notice my parents in law have changed with me. His mom got drunk last time I saw her and asked if my I had problems with my husband's friends, (I have none), I can only assume it came from the brother-in-law.
Please help and be kind.
How does your husband feel about all this? Has he felt slighted by his parent’s indulging his brother, financially and emotionally?
What is your husband’s role in the family? Has he always been the quiet observer? OR has he broken away and become his own person, free of all the drama and dysfunction?
Sounds like this family dynamic is really entrenched and there’s not going to be much you can do about it. But this BIL’s behavior is taking up a lot of your time and energy and, now, even your sleep.
Hi SUSIEDQQ, thanks for getting back to me.
My husband tries to distance himself from the whole brother/parents situation. Most of the time he gets very angry with me because he says it's none of my business. Every now and then he might get annoyed with some of the things his parents do (because I make him see how unfair it is) but most of the time he just stays out of it.
I think he is the quiet observer, almost like he's a bit afraid of confronting his parents. In a way he did break away, we now live abroad so he's now free of all the brother drama (his brother used to get him involved in his issues, asking and stealing money from him). I do believe that his brother behaves the way he does partly because of mental issues but also because he knows how to manipulate the family. He has a completely different act when he's around me, which I try to keep to a minimum.
This all situation annoys me more because my brother-in-law has such a strong hold on my in-laws that I think my relationship with time has become a bit more strained. I've spoken my mind to my mother in law because she will complain about him at times, but she didn't like to hear it. Also, I am sure she has told my brother-in-law what I think. I realise now I shouldn't have said anything because it only makes it worse for me.
My in-laws used to be nice to me but after a few times of me "giving them a piece of my mind" about the brother, they are now quite cold with me.
It’s frustrating for you to see, I’m sure. It seems unfair and people are being used.
It would be different if your husband let himself be used, but it’s the parents and there’s really nothing you can do sbout this.
Your husband might mention the need for the parents to protect themselves so that you don’t have to take care of them in their late years. If there is a family lawyer or financial manager, now is the time to bring them in on the discussion.
Suggest that your husband mention this to his father. The mother seems too emotionally involved.
Thank you SUSIEQQ you are so amazing with your advice and insights.
You are right, my mother-in-law is very emotionally involved, she's sick and housebound. She gives him money all the time, behind my father-in-law's back. I told her that, one day, when they're not here, her son is going to ask me and my husband for money and we won't help him which made her quite upset. Since then she tries not to tell us any negative stories about him.
I do think they have something set up with a lawyer and they have a will/testament for when they pass away but their son works with lawyers, I wouldn't doubt he was the one helping them set it up and, who knows what he might have done. When they mortgaged their home to help the son with his debt, they were supposed to cut a bigger share of the inheritance for my husband but it's all a lie, in the meantime they said they're both getting the same.
Just one more thing, I refuse to stay in the same house with him, every single time I had to share an Airbnb or my in-law's house with him he barged into our room, having a complete meltdown. One of the times, as I said before, he punched my husband (only because we didn't go out with him and his then girlfriend). My husband likes to drink so, many times after a get-together, he is completely passed out which makes me very scared because I feel vulnerable. I told my in-law's I can't sleep in the same house as him when we go and visit so now they rent a house for us. They lie to him, they're totally scared of him, so they told us to confirm the story that "we're staying there because the mom can't have that many people in the house". The issue is, my brother-in-law has an obsession with having the same treatment as my husband so he doesn't accept that we now get to stay in a better house, he calls him the golden boy who can do no wrong, and he's already enquired my husband as to why we have this "privilege". The parents obviously give him the money they spend on renting us a house, which is preposterous, but he still can't accept it. This is a deep annoyance for him. My question is, should I tell him what I think? Should I tell my in-law's what I think? Should I tell his new girlfriend my story?
The parents are in love with her because they think she's going to save him and I want to have a good relationship with her. I know she will be cautious with me thinking I am weird and have a problem with her boyfriend for no reason. Even my husband friends (who've known him for years), find these all situation funny and many time make it worse by talking gossip to him. Should I tell her my story and his friends to be more sensitive? Do you think I should say something to his parents or just remain quiet and stand my ground with my brother-in-law?