Many dates, no partner. Can you spot a way to break my life pattern change that?
I've only had one relationship that was very important to me. She broke up with me over a year ago and I am still heavily affected by it. My counselor says it could be a problem for another year or two. I was in love.
At the end of college, I started dating a girl who I knew for two years. I really like her. We have long conversations and physical intimacy. However, I started my professional career and she moved to another state to finish college. I spent the last month taking ballroom dancing lessons to prepare for a very special weekend. She knew all about it. But she canceled last minute for unexpected "homework" and various things she had going on. I was devastated. And she still wants us to refer to each other as "friends." This will not end well for me.
That story is important because it's hard for me to like girls. Girls make good friends. Girls can be very attractive. But I almost never have that deep feeling appear. So when I find a girl that gives me deep feelings, I want it to last.
So I'm trying new things! I find meetups (writing, rock climbing, etc) to make more friends. I lift weights every other day, rollerblade, and bike. Some days I watch TV shows. Other days I do art or design robots. My job is awesome (tons of freedom in really cool work). I feel like I'm doing life right!
Here is the problem: I'm incredibly lonely. I have no friends or family in this town/city (friends are 5 hours away). I have no girlfriend. I've had a few dates but the girl is often not interested after the first date. Sometimes I go on for a while with a girl, and then she stops talking to me. I always try to go with the flow. Last time the first date was hiking and we just goofed off and talked about fun things. So I'm starting to suspect that there's something really wrong with me that I can't see. It's not enough to be nice and live a full life. I must be incredibly boring, rude, or awkward, or some combination. How do I identify this? I'm constantly changing as a person but I'm 23 years old now which means that I could accidentally settle into a bad behavior pattern for the years to come (brain dev stuff). I need a close relationship really bad. I need someone to love deeply. But I can only get with girls who want to mess around. There's got to be a way to figure out what's wrong with me.
I like my life in general. However, I'm often very sad because I feel there is a special someone I'm supposed to be with but I can't find her. Maybe I already drove her away. So please ask me harsh questions about how I treat other people.
I am sorry about the title. I cannot find a way to edit.