Boyfriend is having doubts about our relationship. What should I do?
LADYHAWK3328 - Oct 16 2018 at 05:05
My boyfriend and I have been dating nearly 3 years, and living together 2 years, up until a few months ago. We have so much in common and have great chemistry, great sex, so many great times, but We had an argument that lead to a conversation about him having doubts. As you can imagine, it hit me very hard.
He explained that sometimes he has thoughts about what his life would be like with someone else. But that the thoughts pass, and he still loves me and wants to be with me. His thoughts had become progressively worse for a few months and he doesn't know why he's having them.
Currently he is seeking therapy for why he's sometimes having doubts and thoughts of being with another. We are separated, living apart, but still a couple. We have open conversations about the situation. I am trying to be supportive to help him get to the root of what's going on in his mind. (I should note, he does have bipolar depression of which he already goes to therapy for) He wants to keep trying to make things work, but I'm not sure if staying in the relationship is bad.
Being apart is wearing on me. The uncertainty and the complete unknown of our future is stressing me out badly. But I want to give him the time he says he need. I don't want to throw away something that could be absolutely great.
I'm starting to become extremely discouraged and more sad as time goes by.
I have feelings of being not good enough and like I've done something wrong, even though he assures me that it's nothing to do with me. I often also feel like I'm pathetic for wanting to beg him to choose me. It's such a mixture of feelings.
Am I just being naive? Am I holding onto false hope? Should I keep fighting for the relationship? Or should I leave? I'm confused. I love him more than anyone. And he says he loves me, but that his head goes to that other place sometimes where he doesn't know what he wants.
I think he needs this space to work out what he wants and who he wants to be with. He needs to learn what passing thoughts to listen to and what ones he should ignore and are untrue. Theses negative thoughts aren't always real, and you don't always have to believe to them.
I'm guessing his bipolar depression plays a huge part in this. It might not be about you, it could be something that's happened to him in his past, and it causes him huge insecurities, that makes him question things like a relationship.
He's getting counselling, so he wants help and that's a positive thing.
So no, I don't think you are naive or holding onto false hope. I'm sure this is really hard for you and not easy for you to hear him say those things. If it was me I'd probably use this space to go to concentrate on other things for a little while, hang out with friends, family, confine in a friend too, don't bottle things up. Get help too if you need it
When he does make up his mind, and I hope it's not too long, but he's confident in what he wants, remember, you also have a say if you want to stay in the relationship with him. It's a two way thing.
Thank you for your response. I can see what you're saying and it brings me comfort to some extent. It has been rather difficult.
I hold back a lot of what I'm feeling because I don't want to pressure him or discourage him in any way. But at the same time, the situation is wearing on me mentally, which is affecting me physically. I'm always tired.
I really just want our relationship to be like it was before. I had no idea these thoughts were happening, so they hit me like a ton of bricks when he told me.
I feel slightly selfish because I'm focusing on my needs, but I also think that it's a good thing. My needs come first. I'm conflicted about that.
I'm currently living with my parents, about an hour away, and I see him every few weeks. I've told him that if he needs to not talk to have the absolute space, that I'd work with him, but he says he wants to stay in contact.
It's going on 4 months now since the separation and since he told me of the thoughts/doubts. In the scheme of things, that's not long, but to me, it feels like a lifetime.
Thank you again for replying. I felt a bit of comfort.
Well, you don't have to hold back on here. Say what you're thinking if you want, coz it's better out then in.
4 months does seem like a long time to me too. I don't know if you can put a time frame on this kind of thing. Surely counselling should be helping him go in a direction by now.
Here to listen anyway :-)
I would think it should be pointing him in a direction by now too, but I can't say for sure. I've never had the feelings that he's having.
I appreciate the offer to not hold anything back. I definitely needed someone to talk to and to reach out to see if anyone could shed light or experience on my situation.
I'm holding on for now, but I don't know how much longer I can handle the waiting. I myself have anxiety and this uncertainty and complete lack of routine is just throwing me off. I'm dealing the best I can.
But I cannot wait forever. I cannot let my heart go through this for a long time.
When I tell him then, he apologizes, says he feels terrible for hurting me and putting me through this and that he's trying. That's all I hear. That he's trying.
I want to be supportive. But on the inside I'm thinking that I shouldn't be this hard of a choice. :^) (A)