How to handle this?
This week my mother is traveling down to visit me and my baby. We have had an estranged relationship since my wedding, where she tried to control every aspect of it and was exstreamly horrible throughout. Not just me, my husband and other family members too. My husband and I stopped contact after my wedding for well over a year. Then I fell pregnant, I felt the decent thing to do was to tell her face to face, so I did, and from then on our relationship now is very much based around my baby. I have been civil with my mother the whole time, the only thing I'm guilty of is not being honest with her. I can't do it because I can't upset her, thats been drilled into me my whole childhood.
After every meeting I've come away messed up and my head is all over the place. I'm tearful, guilty, anxious and angry for a few days 'till I calm down. I know its down to the fact that she's never acknowledged what she's done and I very much doubt she will ever applogise.
In the eight weeks where I don't see her, I do still feel a little depressed that I don't have a normal mother, but I have my baby and husband to love and focus on. I often start to wonder am I better off without her? If she leaves me feeling like and I try to find ways to get out of my new relationship with her. In the end I tell my self I'd regret it, she gets my brother involved and it effects the whole family.
Since she's been unable to applogise or acknowledge my husband and I as a married couple she is not allowed in our home. It's a rule we both agreed on together. I don't want her snooping around and making snotty comments. For the last year we have been meeting in towns close to me. Recently shes slowly started to try to push the bounrderies wanting to come to my house, I've made excuses each time: My husband working from home so on and so on. I never been able to tell her the real reason.
last week, she did speak to me at all, she didn't ask for a photo of the baby like normal and I knew something wasn't right. I'm putting it down to my baby turning one recently and she's quite possibly jealous she wasn't there on the day, and other family members were. If she behaved normally at my wedding and didn't offended certain family members, then of course she would of been invited.
Then yesterday she asked me 'where shall we meet?', I named the place. She came back with 'can do, but I'd like to come to your house so I can see the baby open up the presents I brought', I said 'no, let's stick our where we are meeting'. And she's asked "why not?". I know she's looking for an argument and I can't go there emotionally. Its a small thing, but its put a huge downer on my mood today, I can't concentrate on anything, I'm angry and Ive burst into tears numerous times.
Im an awful person because I can't be honest with her and I've not replied because I'm scared of upsetting her, I always have been.
Please note, it's not just me she is horrible to its other family members too. She's put my aunt and uncle, grandparents under huge amounts of stress recently regarding my grandparents will. I've been disgusted by this, if I was a stronger person I'd confront her, as it seems very money grabbing. The only person she won't offend is my brother.
Do I take this opportunity and be honest with her? Or do I meet her where I said I would? It will be a long day when I do see her, I know she will play the victim, how do I mentally prepare myself?
I have had counselling for this, now with a baby its not possible. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Continue with counseling , if possible.
Practice saying, “No, I’m not able to do that” Over and over if needed. If she asks “why?” Just ignore it and change the subject.
“Thats all I can do now” is another phrase to say when you have told her that you WILL meet her - but at the restaurant you have chosen.
She is bullying you. Recognize that there is great energy behind her effort to control you and your life. It will take practice to protect yourself and your family.
Find another elderly woman to act as a friend and fill this void. That’s what I did because of my mother’s alcoholism.
Good luck and be at peace when you stand firm in your convictions to not let toxic people into your life.
I agree with Susie. My father is similar. I would cut him out completely but I can't because of my mother. So I have cut him off emotionally. It took a long long time and lots of soul searching.
there is no law that says we have to put up with bad behaviour from our parents.
I think if you are able to lay it all on the line and be totally honest with your mother it will be a huge weight off your shoulders. She will most likely react very badly to it but that is her issue not yours. As long as you are honest and factual and try not to let the emotion of it overwhelm you then it will be ok. don't say anything too horrible but be honest and tell it like it is. Don't sugarcoat it either.
If you aren't yet emotionally able to do that then don't beat yourself up about it. The time will come. What I would say is stand firm with your boundaries - using the phrases that Susie has suggested. you must put yourself, husband and baby first. this is your present and future happiness. She is just your past misery.