This is not a *please give me advice* post. This more to the tune of *please read this and not let it ever happen to you*!!!!!
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. Have a son together who is 1.5 yes old. And my daughter from a previous relationship is 6. My relationship is a doozy. Not as much of a drama as many others I’m sure. Yet whopper all on its own. He is a narcissist and I am a pushover who has lost any form of indépendance. I feel like phones and social media can be poison. My boyfriend is on his phone about as much as he can be. Some evening he and I do not converse at all. He is GLUED to his YOUTUBE. We don’t have Facebook accounts as it makes him feel uncomfortable (that’s a whole other topic). But he has a total and utter addiction to his YouTube account. Cars and trucks and RANDOM you tubers fill his head and emotional cup to the brim. (Virtually of course). While I sit with my empty cup full of spider webs and hopes for some real connection.
He has never been a good listener. But he will talk about his own interests as long as he isn’t being challenged about them. If I speak of ANYTHING it’s a fight for whose right, or a “ok get to the point of ur f*#~omg story already* after only saying a sentence of my story. This narcissistic way about him has destroyed my emotional state and cause me to be really mad at myself and how Inallow this. I sit in a state of constant confusion and questioning. A constant state of how in gods green acres did I end up here. With him.
Thank the stars for my kids. Regardless the failed misery of their fathers, I love my kids. They are lights in my darkness and the reason I still smile. I believe there is a reason for everything. Every shitty decision made, every wrong turn or lack of good judgment. And my kids are living proof of that. I would never go back because they might not be here. It’s the “now what” that’s the issue.
I am not as financially independent as I once was. My first break up I was a strong momma with tree jobs and lots of help with babysitting. Now even tho I’m close to home this time. My parents are unable to help due to sickness. I am here alone with only daycare services to assist me. Which I also pay for in total. He works a 7-5 job Monday to friday. Without the worry of who’s watching the kids. Cause it’s me, I do 99.9% of the caregiving to them. It’s not a big deal to him. But my 2 day a week job costs me what I make. Daycare fees are almost equal to what I make. To be without this mess of a relationship how would I get by. Social assistance is a joke with no punchline. And jobs are non existent within daycare hours.
So I sit here lonely, broke and worried about the future of my kids and myself. He spends HOURS on YouTube. He sits in the tub after supper for as long as he can on YouTube. Watching a stranger talk to him about cars or just nothing.
Why is that screen more important or exciting then me or my kids. That’s the million dollar question I ask myself daily. Well simply put it’s EASIER for him to just veg out and not have to actually interact and put effort into a social, functional relationship. Not with me or my kids or his mother or who the hell else. His friends back home are the reason we left that town. He would spend hours with them daily and then YouTube on the off time. It’s continual. And yet he wonders why our relationship is not working.
I’m sure some of you are reading this and relating. I cannot be the only person out there whos being replaced by a phone. I think, and this is just my opinion. It shows me that I am deserving of more. He can play a narcissist tune to me all day and get away with it but the moment I’m ignored for a screen it’s plain as day. The signs are flashing and it’s time to run. How do I do this? How does one leave a man who yes provides financially (with my help, I work too). But never provides a healthy social relationship with myself or the children. When does that trade off sound crazy. When is enough enough. He is unpleasant when he’s interacting with us so maybe it’s best this way? Maybe this is how we can make things work. But I’m still alone. I’m still having conversations with myself that I’d love to speak to someone else about. He isn’t so threatened by others because he knows he is not offering me anything substantial. I get to have lil bits of meaningful convos with co workers. But it’s tough at work. My client is non verbal so that’s a bust. I speak to him like he can conversate with me but he just sits and smiles.
At the end of the day. Don’t let urself be as confused and lost as men plan not avoid this and look for signs of weak relationships and phone addictions. I’d love to hear about your experiences and how you delt or are dealing....
You only deserve what you go after. You could have a full life with someone that loves if you wanted. Sitting back and preaching about how you are being abused mentally is a waste of everyone's time. Wake up and fix your problem instead of crying for piety.
I understand how you feel only my dad is a narcissist (only a slight difference). The more understanding you have of this, the more reading you do, the better. It's all over this internet if you google it and there are self help books.
You're definitely not the only one, there are loads of narcassistic people out there and people, like you, who are trapped in a marriage or a relationship with one who are probably unaware or fighting to make their relationship work. Narcs don't change but it's very hard to leave they play the victim card very well when they need to, and are very good at playing with your emotions.
No one deserves this kind of treatment, and you def don't go looking for it. To begin with, narcs start off by being very charming, very nice, so you fall into their trap and then slowly they show their true colours. Neglect, bullying, manipulation and mind games etc. But they are emotionionally thick (my dad def is!) and it's all about them. They are so self centred.
My mum said there were many times she wanted to leave my dad but she couldn't but she was constantly looking for a valid reason. She's now divorcing him.
I grew up knowing there was something not quite right about my dad but could pinpoint why (same for my mum) I just knew he wasn't always nice and he dealt with things in strange ways.
He's too toxic to be around, so I don't have contact with him same with my younger siblings who are 15 and 13. They understand the reasons and what a narcassist is.
For kids, it's best to not be around a narc.
For you going forward it's great that you regonise this, self help, learning to deattach youself and counselling is the best things you can do.
I'm always happy to talk about this, so carry on, tell us more if you want