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We broke up

Posted by
LEA.R
on Oct 28 2018 at 13:47
Member since: 09 August 2018
Relationship advice I have posted here in the last couple of months about my relationship issues.

Well I finally did it over the weekend and I ended our close to 3 year relationship.

Part of me feels this sense of a weight lifted but then part of me is scared.

I ended it because it was just becoming too much. He said somethings that really made me wonder what the future would truly be like. He called me possessive, mental and told me that I wouldn't get anyone else. He made me feel like his parents were always #1. He made me feel like he didn't respect myself and my family. And some more things. I tried to move on but in my head I only remember those things.

He is Indian. We met on a cruise ship and all was good in the beginning. These last few months have slid down though. Also I never mentioned before but we did actually get married. Officially on paper yes, but not the big ceremony. We did it to process the paperwork to get him here. I 100% don't feel he used me to get into Canada. There was never those red flags there. Unless he was nore3 clever then some, but I never felt that. I felt we had a true relation.

But a few months back, he made the comment, we aren't even married. Which stung me so hard. I know we did it more for the paperwork and in the next year or two we would officially do the big thing. But even before this comment he use to call me his wife or address me as Mrs.his last name. So it felt like yes we did it for the paperwork but we respected the words we said. Then after this comment, I realised he stopped calling me like that.

And I just couldn't shake it. I really couldn't.

Now. I wasn't perfect. I called him a jerk and answered back. Which really bothered him. I hung up the phone many times and was always negative. So as they say. It takes 2 to tango.

But I just finally felt like I couldn't forgive him for these words. It was like he threw me to the ground and just kept pushing me down.

I felt the respect was lost. I felt I didn't matter. When I would go to India, we did NOTHING. 100% nothing. Then when i am gone or not there he does this or that. He couldn't even take me for dinner. It just makes my blood boil to think about my last trip to India. 3 weeks and we did nothing.

So really this all started to boil a year ago. It just finally boiled over and I needed to put a stop because I didn't feel like me any more.

So any advice to me? He was my longest relationship. He was my future. And now he's gone. And I feel this is best. I need to take a fresh start and rebuild myself. I 100% feel this.

We broke up

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 28 2018 at 21:02
Member since: 27 December 2013
Did you ever consider that you did what he wanted you to do ( break it off) but he didn’t have the courage to do it? So he baited you until you made the decision.

He was rude and emotionally unavailable. Plus he put other oeople in front of your needs.

I hope you will someday be able to look back and use this as a learning experience.

Your hurt will heal, and you will love again.

Best wishes.

We broke up

Reply from
ALTREAL
on Oct 29 2018 at 03:46
Member since: 20 August 2015
Hi Lea. I remember some of your previous posts on here, though I can't recall if I ever got to offer any advice.

I want to start by saying what you did was brave. You weren't happy with how you felt treated in this relationship, and were strong enough to go through with ending it.

It seems to me that you and this man simply didn't have enough in common. And maybe you shouldn't have to look quite so far away for love.

If you spent all of that time in India and had no good memories of it, that's a good example of red flags with someone. You need to at least be able to laugh together and find stimulating things to talk about with your future partner. It's weird that you went nowhere at all, though perhaps money or embarrassment played some role in it?

I think it's great you want to put this behind you and let go of those grudges. I think the best advice I can give you now is... Focus on yourself, for now. Do you. Go places and do things as you see fit. Just live, and pick back up with where you left your life.

Finding your next relationship could take some time, or just come down to things falling into place at the right moment. Eventually you might have to put some effort in to taking initiative and getting to know new people, but you won't have to do any of that until you feel ready to. For now, all you need to do is enjoy your own company and get over your ex. That'll happen at its own pace.

Most people you'll meet end up being learning experiences, pushing you away from poor character traits and setting you on the path towards the kinds of people you'd like to get to know. I feel like you have to make progress in your own life sometimes if you want to meet different kinds of people.

No future is 100% certain and nothing is written in stone. It is what you make of it.

We broke up

Reply from
LEA.R
on Oct 30 2018 at 12:35
Member since: 09 August 2018
Thank you both so so so much for the reply! You both made such valid points and I appreciate it all so much.

I an strongly these days. He is making every effort. He messages non stop and even sent me flowers yesterday. But the flowers just enraged me more. He never could do this before. He never said or did all these things before.

It just hurts that now he can make the efforts and find ways to fix it.

He makes me feel like this is some mood and that I should be forgiving him because he is putting in all the effort now.

But I don't think I can. I am moving to a different city, I already planned it and got a place. I'm looking for a job now. I just feel that this is the best. I need to create a path without him.

I look to the future and I don't see him.

But am I being over dramatic? Really I am struggling because of him and his messages now.

Why is love so hard. And why can't I see into the future? Haha

I want to know what is the best choice for myself.

We broke up

Reply from
SILVARION
on Oct 30 2018 at 13:14
Member since: 28 June 2017
Hello LEA,

from what I read, breaking up is the right decision.

Rebuild yourself. That's the right path and what you have to do. Sadly for him, he didn't realize the awesome woman he had catched, and he simply focused on what was important for him and not for both of you.

Sounds like he's old-school raisen and educated to treat his wife as "his" possession. I have a bunch of Indian friends and we have never agreed on how to treat our partners. I give my wife an equal position to me. We are a team, plain hierarchy. Nobody "orders", we brainstorm, agree, plan and execute as a team.

You deserve something a lot better!

Good luck!

We broke up

Reply from
LEA.R
on Nov 2 2018 at 19:13
Member since: 09 August 2018
Hey Silvarion,

Thank you for your great reply.

What really blows my mind was in the beginning I didn't feel this from him.we talked, we planned and we agreed on things together. Then slowly I started to feel it. I started to realize that he does have that old Indian thought.

He even admitted to having that Indian thinking. Which shocked me.

I knew he did a little bit but it really shined more as we got more serious.

I mean it is what it is. He messages me and makes me feel so crazy. Like i am just in a mood. He thinks we will get back together.

But I look into the future and I see that it'll always be this way and it'll only get worse as his parents come here. He already told me that I need to cook every meal. That they will not be cooking or reheating any food. Which is so weird for me because I am use to cooking for a meal or two. You know?

I think it'll just always be his way. I just fear that I didn't do the right thing. I just need time, I am sure.

I am moving to a new city, which he doesn't even know. And I think being on my own and a fresh start will really help.

Thank you for your response.

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