Keeping things from me
Been married 22 years together 26. my husband took out two loans without telling this year and he says he doesn't tell me because why should I worry about things and he should be the one worrying about them. he keeps control of the money and as done for years . he works full time I don't but looking and I have asked why I shouldn't be in control of it and the wonders what I can do different then him. I said I might be able to manage it better then him but he doesn't like it and I think he sees it as his money and nothing to do with me. I hate that he keeps things from me like this because I start wondering why he does and what else he is keeping from me. also I overheard him on the phone about going for a job interview because I know he doesn't like his current job. he didn't tell me about the job and I felt hurt like it had nothing to do with me. he said there was nothing to tell me yet and he hasn't even gone got the interview. should he of told me? I feel like he doesn't see me as his wife and that I'm a nobody to him. I don't want to come across as needy and wanting to know what he gets up to all the time but after 26 years years together I think he should be telling me things and treat me with respect and not as a out sider which I feel I am. I know I need to get a life of my own and not always be wondering about his and where he wants to go I should worry about my own. I have raised our children and mostly been a housewife so I don't know who I am and what I want. I have been to involved in his life for years and its sad and pathetic.
It may be “sad and pathetic “ - but for sure it’s worrisome and dangerous!
What would happen if he should die? Would you be able to carry on, or even know where you stand, financially?
Time for a sit-down so he can explain why he needed to take out loans. It may be because he has been foolish or because his income is not enough to meet household expenses. But you should know, in any case, so you can either help out reduce the debt or make your exit.
You are neither sad nor pathetic. This sounds like a typical marriage out of the 50's. Does he still have that old fashioned thinking that he is totally responsible as a man to take care of his family? The same thing happened with my mom. My dad took care of everything and worked very hard but, when he lost the house, my mom had no idea that it was happening.
I don't think you can expect him to be happy about you coming out of no where and telling him perhaps you might be able to manage the finances better than him. He sincerely may be feeling he is protecting you from unnecessary worries. Has he always taken care of the finances?
As his wife and partner, you need to know what's going on. I don't think you should worry about him not respecting you or loving you. I don't think it was the best idea to take out loans without your knowledge but, how much interest or concern have you shown in the last twenty years regarding the finances? Now is the time to sit down with him and let him know you would feel more secure if you knew more about what was going on financially. Let him know you appreciate the way he has always taken care of you but, you need to be in the know.
He as always taken care of the finances over the years. I raised the kids and bought things out of what money I had and he sorted out the bills. he said he doesn't like to tell me about the money because he feels he should take care of it and not to worry me. I think he is old fashioned and sees it that he should do it all but I also think he sees it as his money so he shouldn't have to tell me where it goes because he is earning it not me. I don't think he sees it as something to share with me which I think is wrong.
I have another issue which as got me down over the years but I just want other peoples opinions. when we asked me to get married he never got down on one knee or took me for a romantic meal to ask he just said, well we might of well get married. at the time I said, no you don't mean it and he said I will prove it and he went out and booked the register office. we had been engaged 4 years and had 2 kids by then. I was only 22 so immature still really. all these years later even thou we have been married 22 years I still wonder why he never done it like other men do and get on one knee. why didn't I say no, you need to asked me properly instead of going along with it. I feel hurt when I see women getting asked properly and wonder why I wasn't worth getting on one knee for. he said years ago when we have been married 10 years he would like to renew our vows, it as never happened. he said because life gets in the way but I think it was a excuse because we have had more downs then ups in the marriage. also he said he would like to get his tattoo done again because it as faded. he as my name on his arm with two hearts around it. he said it would cost money to get done but I told him where he could get it done cheaply but he as never bothered. does this prove he doesn't love me like he once did. he said at least he got the tattoo done because I never got one done with his name on it which is true but I never told him to get one in the first place he wanted to.
also to add, he said I was stuck in my ways. I think because he sees me just as a housewife and nothing else and this hurt me because i do so much want to change and get out of the rut I am in. he as never really changed either and I think he is stuck in a rut just going to work day in day out and doing nothing different when he comes home.