Communication in a relationship
I've been dating my boyfriend for over three months. I got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety 10 months ago and I've been really trying to cope and try new things with that.
I absolutely love my boyfriend and care deeply for him.
I was feeling overly depressed for a few days so I completely and fully communicated how I was feeling to my boyfriend. He actually made me feel ten times worse. He's always saying its my problem to deal with and only I can change the way I feel and nobody makes me feel a certain way. He tells me that I ruined the night and that it's my problem to change at the end of the day. All I need is a bit of sympathy and a statement like "hey I know you're struggling but we can tackle this together". I feel like I'm asking too much when I ask for this. He also says he doesn't know what to say to most of my feelings I share.
I'm just asking for any advice that anyone has on this situation.I don't have anyone to talk to ever about this kind of stuff and I really am tired of being miserable on my own without anyone to talk to. I am extremely angry and hurt especially since this keeps happening. I know how I deserve to be treated and it's not like this. Should I keep trying to get through to him or should I give up? If there are any strategies or advice that anyone has please reach out. Thank you so much and it is greatly appreciate.
I also suffer from severe depression...MDD. I am married with two children. First I will tell you, even the closest, most loving people in your life will not be able to understand how you feel at times. Your boyfriend sounds ill equipped to help you. It doesn't make him bad but, you need all the support you can get without someone trying to make you feel worse.
As SUSIEDQQ said, you need a good therapist and psychiatrist. People are quite empathetic to someone who has cancer, for instance. They can understand that. You can get specific treatment for that. It is very hard for people, even our most loved ones, to understand a mental illness. Take care of yourself. There is nothing you can do about your boyfriend and honestly, you don't need the added stress. Get on o medication regime, which may take a while to find the right one and find a good therapist that you can discuss issues like this with.
I wish you the very best. Don't give up.
Haaaaaaang on a cotton-pickin' minute.
"I've been dating my boyfriend for over three months. I got diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety 10 months ago and I've been really trying to cope and try new things with that."
I see a leakage. You've just put meaning into two pieces of data by placing them side-by-side, specifically that you were already in the thick of Depression and Anxiety when he met and began dating you.
How come this guy found you attractive as a person despite you were in this state?
And how come he was incapable of being nice and polite - basically LOVING - about it? I mean, there are far kinder and gentler ways to say all of that, aren't there? You would have, wouldn't you? You wouldn't have listened to someone spilling their guts about what a really bad way they were in and reacted by doing nothing - worse than nothing! - but ADDING to it with a guilt trip in the form of 'you've ruined the whole night!'?
I appreciate the concern and the reply.
I go to therapy and a psychiatrist every week.
I am on medication currently.
I have gone to both individual and group counseling.
I am not here for suggestions about how to cope with my anxiety and depression because I have got that down to a tee. It is a part of my life now and somedays will be harder than others with depression and that is okay.
He has every idea what it is because he struggles with it as well. So there's no gap in knowledge there.
But yes. SOULMATE. You are correct and had the best insight about it. He was well aware when we first started talking about what I have been going through. I'm not sure what drew him to me.
I'm not sure why he cannot be loving about it. I don't expect anyone to read my mind or my thoughts but I expect understanding and kindness. But yes. It could have been handled in several different ways. I don't expect much but I expect validation. He needs to love me for me. He needs to appreciate that I am trying and trying to make an effort here as well but sometimes its okay to reach out for help. I do not expect him to solve my problems but I do expect support which is not a lot to ask. When he has a problem, I treat him with kindness and patience and do everything I can to help him feel better. I expect the same effort in return.
" but I expect understanding and kindness"
Yes. So do we all. Because that's normal and healthy.
Doing the opposite is cruel. It's called, kicking you when you're down.
Using a pretty close analogy: how can you claim to be someone long-term suffering a stab-wound in your side, thereby know to your very soul how desperately, horridly agonising, even *existentially* panic-inducing that feels, but, yet, when coming across someone else in the same pain for the exact same reason, whom at certain points is naturally unable to contain their pain any longer (it's bloody EXHAUSTING!) so starts wailing or crying, letting it out, and that poor person is presumably your most precious person in the world - basically turn to them and punch them in their wound site?
Isn't that what's happening here?