Do I stay or do I finally leave my bf who has money issues?
My bf and I have been together (with some breakups lasting from a few weeks to a few months) over the last 6 years. in our 60's. Most of the reasons for the breakups were due to his finances - he has made mistakes in the past and while I can be with someone who has little in terms of money, I cannot be with anyone, even a person I really love, and end up taking care of them financially. I am comfortable (but not wealthy enough to support 2 people through retirement) and have worked hard and saved most of my life. I also have 2 children in their 20's that aren't fully settled and need my help from time to time since I am widowed.
I find that every now and then when I get anxious about his money issues, I start to go online and look for other men. He, of course, has no idea so I know what I'm doing is wrong and I feel guilty (as I should).
He assures me that my concerns are or will be addressed and sometimes they are. However, in the last round he assured me he completely changed financially because of my help and while I know he is paying his bills, I also know he can do so because he is using money that he inherited (which he is draining to pay his bills and there isn't that much left). Did he really change from not paying his cards when he couldn't afford it then?
He works and collects social security so there is more than enough money to pay his regular bills and have some money left over for entertainment and the like. I often have been paying for his meals and other things so that he doesn't have to use his funds on me and it is somewhat equal. He has been saving a small amount each month in a money market, as I suggested, but that doesn't amount to much more than $200/month.
My other non-negotiable is that he preserve what's left in the inherited funds in case he needs it. I asked recently about the money left over and he said, he started "moving the money" over to his own account (since it was left in trust due to his debt history) and I assumed that meant he would add those funds to the money market account, not just spend it. He has also maintained his long term care insurance.
I feel that there is no way to move the relationship forward unless I am comfortable with this issue since he wants to live with me very soon (and I would too under "normal" circumstances). On the other hand, each time we break up, I miss him terribly and so does he.
What do I do?
In my opinion is that you should agree in that who will pay the bills monthly. E.g.: you will pay the rent of the house, your bf. pays the livingcosts. In case you have some backup money or left over you could agree with him to split it up two equal portions.
It means half of the left-over money go in your account and the other half go in your bf.'s account. The basement of the good relationship is the clean business between you and your bf. I would hardly suggest to talk about this possibility with your b.f.
I am quite curious what will be the outcome of your conversation about this possibility.
In case your bf.is not open for this solution I would simply divorce from him. You can have in the future a much more fair bf. who will not steal your common montly left-over money.
Wish you a good luck.
I agree with the above comment. It is so important to feel financially secure at all times and be able to go over tough decision makings as a "team" What concerns me is that you have stated you "find that every now and then when I get anxious about his money issues, I start to go online and look for other men. He, of course, has no idea so I know what I'm doing is wrong and I feel guilty (as I should)." you should never have to feel that way and it is not healthy for your own sake nor is it for him as well. You need to have a serious face-face conversation about this at the home. If you both cant come to a solution maybe you have to let go and find someone else or be independent
I hope this helps in someway!!!
I wish you the best of luck
I appreciate the input. Does your opinion change if I told you I asked him if he was moving the money he has I trust to the money market. He said he started to move it into his checking account and he is ready to put it in savings. He said it’s $5000. However I know he spent that money on bills etc and it’s not in his checking account anymore.
How do I trust him if he can lie to me about this?
You have posted SO many times on this site and other advice sites about this same issue with this same dude.
Are you a bot?
SUSIEDQQ I was wondering the same thing. Either a bot, or a human that can't/won't take any of the very good advice they get, repeatedly.