My boss is in love with me
I recently got employed in a company, and I finally found something I'm really good at and really like, but only about a week ago I realized my boss is in love with me. He made it very clear to me when we had a corporate party, and people saw him talking to me a lot, laughing and following me around all the time. We had an amazing connection at first, and the conversations were so easy, I immediately liked him as a person, but not in the romantic way. We had so much in common, a lot more than we both expected, and I immediately "got under his skin" as he mentioned a couple of days later. That evening I had a little too many cocktails and became even more confident and open, and the conversations just kept flowing. Suddenly he kissed me, and without realizing (because alcohol) I kissed him back. I then realized what just happened and immediately wanted to go home. He then called a cab, and took me home.
I did not want to see or speak to him anytime soon. I was so embarrassed, I thought all he saw in me was some stupid young girl with probably way too many hormones beyond control, chasing around every first guy/man I see. I should also mention he's more than 10 years older than me.
But then Monday came (the party was the previous Friday). I received a request from him on our local chat, and he started asking me how was I doing, feeling, and then he asked me out for dinner. I immediately rejected, telling him I'm not feeling very well. He kept insisting, and he mentioned some bits of our conversations (which I don't remember) about how amazing will it be when we are together, having a beautiful relationship, living together, traveling together. I was shook.
He kept insisting we'd go out together, and I decided to say yes, but only because I wanted to tell him that I want none of it. I was not afraid of losing my job or anything, because, even though I barely know this person, I knew he wouldn't go so low. Which he didn't. He was amazing and understanding, and despite the little awkwardness at first, the conversation went very easy, with a lot of laughs and positive energy. I was relieved when he made it clear he respects me and understands it all.
I was sure it's all over and good, but then, later when I got home, I received a text message from him. He told me that this all does not stand well with him. That he does understand it all, but at the end of the day he really likes me, and that he's ready to take this chance, ready to take it all as a challenge if needed, and he told me later I'm like a drug to him.
I was feeling very weird about it all, and wished it was all over soon, or not existing at all, but then, after only a little while, I realized I had feelings for him as well, and God is my witness, I have NO IDEA where that came from. He probably got a little confused and maybe (just maybe) just a little hurt, so he avoided me for about two days. And that's when I realized for the first time that I missed him.
I never made my feelings clear to him, nor do I intend to, because we're probably never gonna end up together anyways (he's quite older than me, has a kid (he's not married anymore), he is my boss and he's also a foreigner, and there might be a couple more little details about it).
The problem right now is that, I honestly have no idea what to do. I started developing feelings for him, but I kinda don't want him to know. I'm fresh out of a very toxic relationship, (which is still haunting me both literally and figuratively speaking - my ex is still very "present" in my life with all kind of promises, excuses, even warnings and threats), and I'm not sure I would be ready for anything new anytime soon - which I btw mentioned to him as well. He was very supportive, and just told me to give it a little time, but also give it more thought about us two, because he really wants me in his life, and he doesn't want to lose another moment without me by his side (which I found a little creepy for a person you've only met, but then I realized that I almost feel the same way, and it did not feel creepy anymore - sometimes you just know when something's right).
This doesn't sound all that complicated, really. Either you want to date him, or you don't. Either you want your toxic ex in your life, or you dont. Whatever you feel, you just need to own it, and honor it. Your boss keeps pressuring you, because it works. Your ex is still "present" because you want him to be. You are the only one that chooses who gets your time and energy.
All of that said, you should probably just stay single for awhile and work on yourself. Live your life for you, and figure out what you want and what you don't. Stop letting other people decide for you. Set boundaries, and stop letting others ignore them.
I was in a toxic relationship. I know it takes two. At best, you allowed it. Ask yourself why. Take time to sort yourself out before starting something new.
That's what I did. It took time to see and address my issues so I didn't keep repeating unhealthy patterns. Best thing I ever did for myself. One of the many things I learned, is that if I'm confused about my feelings, they aren't really my feelings. They're someone else's, and I'm trying to accommodate them. I don't do that anymore. When I met the man I'm with now, I was not confused. I couldn't have hid my feelings for him if I wanted to. You are able to do that quite easily. One of sevetal big red flags I'm seeing here.
Focus on yourself for awhile. Let your ex and your boss do the same.