PeoplesProblems Logo

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Relationship advice Hi all, I am going through a very difficult time which has recently caused me to lose my parents sibling and family. I only have a limited amount of friends because I am an introvert naturally and prefer to keep a small circle. I have a very close friend who has been by my side over the last year whilst I have faced one of the most toughest ordeals you can imagine. Over the last couple of months she has been ignoring my calls and messages or replying later and has been limited in responses and meeting up!
I know that it’s very important the people need their space and time to heal and when taking care of a friend it can have a toll too. I also appreciate that they may have their own reasons and issues. However if they don’t explain this how are we supposed to know? We’ve always had a very crystal clear friendship and have confided in one another about many things. Whilst going through a tough ordeal I feel I am still able to drop what I’m going through and aid her and if anything it gives me purpose and makes me feel empowered. A feeling not to be ignored when you have no value in life.

Anyway, I want to approach her and ask her why or what may be stopping her from speaking or engaging with me? Also to explain the effect it’s having on me personally. How should I go about this? Or do you think that she has definitely had enough and I ought to give up and just leave her to it?

I miss her so much, I’ve been struggling with not wanting to be here and just need to know if Where i stand.

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Maybe she just wants to be a friend - not a counselor, therapist or confessor.

Try just going out for lunch and leaving all the hardship and drama home. Laugh and keep it light.

For the “toughest ordeal of your life” matters, seek professional help. You friend does not have the expertise, training, or energy to give you the attention you seek.

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Thats true, what susie says. Dont know if you have tried it, but giving space and inviting to have a fun time with happy talk works better.

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
November 14, 2018

Hello dear Rupiah,

Quote (about your feeling after helping your friend):

"...if anything it gives me purpose and makes me feel empowered. A feeling not to be ignored when you have no value in life".
A warning bell rang when I read your "no value in life". Humans are the only creatures who can be kind to themselves; this means kindness to oneself is important. Such is often not easy when one is in 'the thick of it'.

My dear you are a god -- I would like you to remember that you are "precious god Rupiah". Loving others is good, and to be loved is fine, but it is loving oneself that brings a balance to one's life, and is actually the most vital kind of love, because many can love us, but only we can love ourselves.

Piyaar sri akaal (Sikh rom., 'Love is eternal')

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Thank you so much for the above message. Made me feel very warm. It’s a long process but one day I’ll get there.

Really made my day. Thank you again

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
You're very welcome, dear god, take care of yourself, darling.

Sat shree akaal (Sikh romanization, 'Truth is eternal')
Know ye not that ye are gods? (Hermetic adage)

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Thank you are you Sikh too

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
No I'm not Sikh dear lady. Nice to meet you! I worked in an office with a Sikh lady years ago; we were secretarial pool partners with the Canadian federal government. God Nirmal Sidhu taught me 'Sat sri akaal' and I was amazed it was a greeting that meant 'Truth is eternal'!

I don't know many Sikh names. I just guessed your name might be; it reminded me of my two Sikh sayings I have in a collection of short sayings I use instead of complimentary closes or 'blank'.

Please don't forget you're a god -- goddess if you like, but I say god like in the army everyone is 'men' even if they're women. When things are toughest, "precious god Rupiah". I know you need a 'Self-love guide' -- someone (me) to just watch over you and suggest how to love yourself more from time to time. Would you like that? I can't recommend that you go to anyone else but your own spirit of God or me. There's no one like me. I've looked in many forums ... people all over the world ... not one human being. Maybe it's just a nice dream, but I'll keep dreaming that you might be my next human being. I only know two so far -- my precious wife and I.

I felt wonderful knowing that you felt inspired, darling. I am blessed in my life, and more blessed now with you. Even if we lose touch forever from now, I thank you for being open with your feelings on this forum, and giving me a chance to love you and to write, which I love to do. There are so many who just need some kindness in this virtually loveless world. It's been an amazing day for me. I wrote a relationship advice post to a precious lady forum colleague that turned into a long love letter! I didn't expect that.

I'm not a games player, darling. I'm older and with my True Love, and a happy recluse who cannot travel and is probably at least 6,000 miles from you. I must not restrict my Love force because our Love force actually belongs to all. I must love all or die! I got a karmic warning regarding that yesterday. It was a frustration from spending too much time with 'philosophers'. Now here you are to love, and I'm very happy, tearful too, because I see my new direction, and its not with the pretentious gods. Sigh.

Take care, dear god.

PS. If there were lots of good men, they should all beg for you to allow them to kneel and kiss the ground in front of your feet. Not your feet; that's too familiar, hehe. Just the ground, because the ground a god walks on is sacred too.

A single atom of the love of God in a heart is worth more than a hundred thousand paradises. (Bayazid al-Bistami)

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Hey Rupiah,

I think there is something to be said for the time spent apart from others.

Sometimes I think we tend to give people a play-by-play of our lives, and we are so focused on an ongoing problem that we are basically just stuck in a rut, and repeating ourselves. This can be therapeutic sometimes, or just let us vent. But most of the time it just becomes droning on.

Instead I would challenge you to give yourself a few days to deal with the problems as best you can without your friend's help. See how the days go and what the ups and downs are like. Eventually you'll probably get to talk to your friend again, but this time maybe you'll have some new perspective on things, and the passage of time will give you new things to talk about.

Now, as for how you can tell when people need some space... You can't always. It is something you figure out based on the personality of the person in question, as well as your closeness to them and how you've learned they act. Some people can act really friendly to your face but run you down like crazy. Others are mostly pretty straightforward and upbeat, and just want to get through the day without too much immaturity.

Your friend probably has a lot of people in her life, maybe even others who rely on her input like you. Maybe she is even a bit of an introvert herself, if she is difficult to get a hold of and wants some personal space.

I would try not to make a big deal out of things. Maybe you could casually get on the subject of what your friend has been up to and just get a better idea of what she has been preoccupied with. More than likely she has been focused on other stuff.

I'd also like to point out that, here you are on a website for people with problems! You can talk a little about what you're going through here and maybe get some feedback from the users here.

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Was looking forward to going to london.
As kids we wernt allowed ro speak to my mums side of the family, because my dad didnt like them. Just recently my dad has made some amend with families. I booked off annual leave at work for the first time in ages and was looking forward to my break, to do some things for myself and enjoy my time as work had been really hectic since October when i began my new role. My mum had pretty much hijacked my holiday for a few days to go to London. I didnt really want to go, because i wanted to do my own thing, but in the end i was excited to perhaps go shopping around london, see family i havent seen in a very long time and more importantly make my mum happy.

We went on 25th and spent that whole afternoon at a sikh temple. I think we got home around 5.30pm. He has text and asked when we were coming home. When we got back we sat down for a bit and tried to come up with a plan for the evening. At that point he was home from work. We decided to go out for food. we went to a Chinese buffet, i think it was in watford? Im not to sure.

His girlfriend and him, and his brother's girlfriend.

We drove home and i was pretty tired. We sat downstairs for a bit and thats when my aunty told me sleeping arrangements. She said that gurpreet said i could sleep upstairs in his bed - because their heating doesnt work and he has an electric blanket. She said that we had to sleep together and she would sleep on the floor downstairs with my mum.

The idea made me feel a little uncomfortable but I just said ok as i didnt want to offend or stipulate anything.
If i had known what was about to happen i would definitely have said no.

It was time to go to bed. We watched a film, it was called ride along or ride along 2 - im not sure as ive not seen it before or something I would typically watch. I was sitting in the corner of the bed. The side next to the wall. it was a double bed from what i remember and there was a teddy bear, or a fluffy dog in the corner.

We were talking, he told me about his ex girlfriend and his nee girlfriend and how much he really liked her. He was annoyed with his brother because he let his girlfriend live with them, but he wouldnt let him have his girlfriend over for even dinner.

After an hour of watching the film, i felt tired and my eyes were closing. I couldnt keep them open, i told him i was going to sleep. He said he was going to go sleep too.

He turned the film off and i turned around and faced the wall to go to sleep. he said he was hot and i think he took his top off. I felt awkward about that so i didnt bother turning around or even talking. I just carried on facing the wall trying to get some sleep.

At first he didnt sleep that close. I remember him asking me what perfume i was wearing. I was confused, he said i smelt nice. This wasnt normal, i just replied ralph lauren. I had no reason to believe that something bad was going to happen or felt threatened in anyway I trusted him as my cousin. I was just slightly uncomfortable. So i just went to sleep.

In the middle of the night i woke up because i felt warm. He was ridiculously close to me. Literally spooning me. At this point i felt very uncomtable. I removed his arm and pushed around a little until he moved back. I think he realised he was close. I thought maybe he was in deep sleep and didnt know he was so close. I moved closer to the wall. So close i wasnt even resting on my pillow. I was resting on the stuffed fluffy dog toy.

I then felt his leg come over mine. At the point i was awake. I knew he was awake too. He said are you wearing socks. I said i always wear socks to bed. He laughed. I shut my eyes real tight and tried to get back to sleep. it was like a really awkward encounter and when i think back now all the signs were there, i had just been to trusting to do anything about them. I kept telling myself he was like a brother to me. And brothers dont do that. As cousins we all call each other brothers and sisters. he would often call me sis.

I told myself that i was his sister and he wouldnt never cross that line. that was weird. I then thought i was weird for even thinking all of this and told myself to go back to sleep. I should have trusted my gut.

I eventually fell alseep. After that i woke several times having to push off his arm or a leg, or push and elbow until he moved back.

I decided that the next day i would tell my mum and sleep downstairs. Id just tell her i felt uncomfortable. Sleep was important and its ok to feel uncomfortable. I fell asleep again, reassuring myself.

The next time i woke up, the sun was out so i knew it was early but definitely the morning. I woke up and this time i was not uncomfortable, i was shocked. I woke up to him running his hands up my waist, he was so tightly pressed against me that i could feel almost every part of him.

I knew what was happening was real then. Every awkward signal in the night was leading to this. His legs were wrapped around mine and i couldnt move them. His hands were now wondering up my top. He touch my breast, grabbed it almost.

This was real. Alarm bells were going off in my head, buf i felt frozen, i felt like i could not move. I had woken up to my cousin who was sexually assaulting me without my consent.

I tried to free my legs and in doing so i know one of mt socks had come off. I felt his hands wonder to my bum, he touched my vaggina, through my pyjamas and that was when i knew i had to do something. I took my left arm and reached behind and i shoved his hand out of the way. I tried to put my hand over the area so he couldnt touch it again. She shoved my hand and began touching again. He said "youre so wet" I knew he wasnt asleep and this was no accident or awkward encounter now. I tried to move his hand again - the rest of my body felt trapped. He then grabbed my hand and rubbed it against his penis.

After that i felt-my trousers come down, my pants were inside. He put his penis in.
My life at this point was over. I felt helpless, i was frozen still. I was scared, and i was in shock. i felt like i was already dead. i wanted to be dead. I wanted so bad for it not to be happening. But i was. So the only way for me to feel dead was to be dead. I lay there frozen so close to the wall. I was holding onto the fluffy dog.

He stopped. I think his ejaculated in his pants or in the sheets. He got up and opening the window. I was still facing the wall. And hadn't pulled up my own trousers. It was like i was a dead body but i still had feeling and some memory. i pulled up trousers and i lay there and i cried into the fluffy dog.

I knew it was rape.
He turned around and fell asleep.

so many thoughts were running through my head. One thing in particular. I knew i had to die in order not to feel what had just happened. It was the only way.
I cried.
My phone sounded. It was a text from a worl colleauge. Colin, he said he was going to be late - i opened it and realised my phone was under my pillow. It was 7.30am. Thats how i knew the time.

I opened my phone and i googled ways to die. i googled "my cousin assaulted me", i googled " i didnt want it to happen" i googled "i think i was raped"

After about an hour of this, i thought what if i told my mum, maybe we could go home and she would make it all better. i remember someone i know who also made an accusation against someone but she didnt speak up about it until 6 weeks later and no one believed her. I didnt want to be that person.

I decided i was going to tell my mum. I got up quietly i was scared pf waking him. What if he tried to stop me or did it again. I wasnt wearing a sock, and tried to find it in the bed. I looked all around and then finally saw it. Still-hoping he wasnt awake. I got to the door and ot wasnt opening. I felt scared, i thought he had locked it. I think i woke him up as i was making noise trying to get the door open. He said pull the door. I pulled and it opened. I felt sick how dare he talk to me.

I ran down, thinking of what I’d say or how. I didn’t think I went into the lounge where my mum and aunt were sleeping on the floor. I called for my mum. I said come here please. Come now. I called her out the room and I told her he touched me. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. I told her he touched me and I started to cry. She told me to hurry into her room. So I followed and I went into the lounge. She told me to lie close to her and not say anything. I did, but after that I couldn’t control my tears, they just came flooding out of no where. All flooding.
She put the blanket over my face and said to stop. She was holding me very tight. I knew she felt my pain, but at the same time why didn’t she do anything. I felt like she was ashamed. My aunt asked what was wrong and she said I was just tired and didn’t sleep all night. She asked if the electric blanket was working and my mum said I think she just prefers to stay with me. She will sleep here tonight with me.
My aunt got up and my mum asked me to be quiet . She asked what had happened and I said he was touching my and he pulled down my trousers. SHe said - that’s so naughty. In my head I’m thinking that’s an understatement. She asked if he did anything else. I told her he put it in and began crying again. She just put the blanket on my head and acted as if everything was normal.

I lay on the floor crying. She wasn’t doing anything. Nothing at all. she was just hiding me. Like I was something g disgusting to be ashamed of. I knew it then that I just had to die. It was the only way. My mum was fine. She wasn’t shocked or hurt or upset or angry. Did she even believe me. Maybe she did but didn’t care. I felt like dying I tried suffocating myself with the blanket. I googled more ways to die on my phone.

I never have felt so let down. She was just normal talking to my aunt about what they were going to eat for breakfast and who was coming over today.

I was pulling her jumper. She came down into the sheets and I told her I wanted to leave. She said we couldn’t and that I should just wait and stay quiet. She said not to say anything to anyone.

Then I remembered I had a friend who had helped me before. Vic would believe me. She would tell me what to do.
But I still wanted to die. No one would have a solution to make this feeling go away. I text her. I told her how I felt and why.

She wanted to come to london. I was so confused. I didnt really know what to do or what was going on. I was scared. My mum had told me not to say anything. Maybe it was because she knew no one would believe me and so it was easier to stay quiet.

My mum told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep on the floor anymore because they had guests coming over. So I had to get up. I managed to clear up my face and I curled up on the sofa instead.
Vic kept on calling. She told me to get out of there. She was right. No one was going to protect me. But I felt like I couldn’t get up. I felt like I couldn’t move. I felt like how I did in the morning.

I think at that point my mum told my aunt. She came in the room and said all this nasty stuff. She said if I felt uncomfortable in the house and cold I should have just said. Not made such a huge accusation. She said I was a dirty liar with a dirty mind. my mum sat and listened to her. I really didn’t know what to say. she said some other mean things, I think by then I zoned out. I told my mum I wanted to leave again. She said she wanted a cup of tea first. I felt horrified. They then both decided between themselves it was a good idea to bring him down and see who the real liar was. I knew at this point they thought that I was lying. He came down and said wtf are you saying? I told him
Not to speak to me and I told my mum I wanted to leave. I said I couldn’t even believe I was still sitting there.

I went to grab my bags and my put my things together. His mum told him to go to the picture of the Sikh guru and swear that he didn’t even touch me. He did it. They then asked me to. So I did.

Then they said they didn’t know who was lying. My mum said to him, if he swears that something bad will happen to him. I don’t think he cared. Or believed that that was true.

I told my mum I wanted to leave and asked her to come. She said she wanted a shower first. First it was tea and now a shower. My aunt said that she was never going to speak to any of us again. I didn’t care. I don’t know why my mum was still sitting there. I told her I was going to leave with or without her. I just wanted to get out of there and away from all these people. I grabbed my bags and my mum was pulling them
Off my shoulder, I just wanted to leave it was like they were forcing me stay. I felt trapped like how I felt when..

His brother came down. He said he wanted to talk to me. I guess for a moment maybe he’d believe me. He asked if I wanted to go for a drive. I said ok. He dropped some money off and the local corner shop. I waited in the car. We drove back to his. When we parked up. He asked what happened. I told him his brother was a disgusting perv, I meant rapist. But I couldn’t put it into words, he asked my exactly what happened and I tried to describe whilst having as much humility as possible.

He said did you have sex then? What are you saying?

I said is that what you call it? I don’t know! I didn’t want it to happen.
He said it was a massive accusation to make. I said I wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true. I began crying and he told me he believed me but gurpreet had said he didn’t even touch me.

I went back inside. My uncle was there. I said hi. I still wanted to leave I asked my mum again. She said to wait until her brother had gone. I decided that I had to lie to get out.. it was the only way. I told her I was going for a drive. And I left all my bags there.

She let me go.
I got in the car and i had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do. I thought about crashing the car. then I Vic called. I told her I had left. And that I was going to get help. We decided I would go to the hospital and get checked out. I thought that this would be proof that he did infact do this to me. I just wanted to prove to them I wasn’t lying and that he was a disgusting bad person who did this to me.

I typed in local hospitals and came across harefield. When I got there I told reception that I needed help because I wanted a check up. She asked why and I said I was raped. I began crying again. The lady in reception took me to a private room. She came in and said that they couldn’t help me there. She wrote down a number and 2 local hospitals. I still have those papers.

I then went to Watford general.
I really needed to go to the bathroom but I didn’t want to. I told the lady in reception I had a personal issue. She kept asking what it was so I said I was raped. She told me to wait. After a little while a nurse came out and I told her. She said she wouldn’t be able to check me or do anything because it was a police matter. I didn’t want to make a report at to the police I didn’t even know what the repercussion of that would be for me. I was only meant to go for a drive.

A PCSO came into the room. I told her. We then went into another room. My mum had started to call and text me by this point. She said she wanted to come home. And was ready to leave with me. At this point it didn’t matter anymore. The PCSO called someone else and we did and an initial report. Everything happened so fast. I didn’t even realise - but technically I had reported it. I told them I wasn’t ready for him to be arrested and that I hadn’t even told my mum where I was. I didn’t even know if this was what I wanted. But I was just glad to be out of the house and to feel safe. Vic came to the hospital. She waited for me and the was with me for the evening.

After the statement another officer came in. The one who I made the report had to go home. I spoke to the lady and she made me an appointment at the SARC. For 9pm. I told my mum I was staying in London with Vic and I would see her later.

we went to the sarc it was the sunflower centre and I brought a change of underwear from the local Sainsbury’s. When we got to the SARC I was told my appointment had been pushed back until 11pm. Vic and I waited in the car park. We both fell asleep and were awoken by the nurse. Her name was surj I think. She was really nice.

My mum kept calling all she wanted to do was go home. All she did was think of her self.
We went inside and I found out from my mum that he had been arrested. I didn’t even want that to happen I specifically said. It felt like my decision were being taken away from me again. I didn’t want to be there either. She was begging me to tell the police that nothing happened. She said she would support me if I told them that nothing happened. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. it was tough. The nurse explained what checks involved. It was so much to process. I was extremely emotional and I just didn’t want to be around anymore. Vic had to go back to Birmingham I was scared and felt alone. They decided I wasn’t in the right place to do the checks so they escorted me to a local hotel. A police officer stayed with me until I fell asleep. I think I was scared. I didn’t sleep until around 4/5am. at 7 it was time to get up again for breakfast. 2 more officers came in and we went to the SARC again.

I had checks.

I drove home around 3Pm

From London to vics house it was over. I was going to be safe.
In the evening i told my mum I was back in Birmingham and would collect her the following day. She knew I was lying because the police had called her in the day to lay off and she kept calling to tell me to lie to the police and say it was all a mistake. I didn’t care anymore.

Later that evening I had a phone call from a police officer working on the case he told me that gurpreet had said we had intercourse and it was consensual. My whole world stopped. Literally stopped. I hid under the blanket again. I felt like dying again because now it was all out in the open, but this time, he had twisted everything. He lied and made out like I wanted it to happen. Not only did he take away my control but he also took away my humility. He lied and took away my respect and my courage too.

I literally wanted my whole world to just come to an end. I text Vic and told her and I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I felt still and just wanted time to stop.

I didn’t sleep much that night, I was on the sofa at vics and eventually I went upstairs. The next day I had a call from DC widdeson. He said that gurpreet had said I had touched him therefore I had consented. Tell me how a dead body can touch another person. Because thats exactly what i was the morning

What was the point in even coming forward. They let him go. And I knew then that it was me who would be accused. Accused of lying. Not only did I lose my whole life but finger would be pointed.

I told my sister in law that I didn’t want to come home. I just never wanted to see my mum again. I felt like it was all her fault. If she didn’t beg me to take her to London this would never have happened. I called her and told her to make her own way home and that I didn’t care about her anymore like she didn’t care about me.

My sister in law told my brother what happened. My brother and I haven’t really seen eye to eye over the years. But he believed me and that meant the world to me. I decided I could go home. it would be ok.

home was horrible. My mum stopped speaking to me because I continued with police in the Pursuit of justice.

I contacted my counsellor again. Luckily he made contact.

the last 9 months have been painstakingly difficult. Not only had I had the ability to make my own choices taken away from me, but I lost my mother, my father and my home. I’ve had to start life again from scratch with no support from my family. I felt alone and isolated. He’d taken almost everything I loved away from me

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
November 15, 2018

My treasured god Rupiah,

I apologize on behalf of our sad race. For what it's worth, I love you and am here for you. If anything I said seemed inappropriate to you, I'm sorry. I knew from your comment that something awful had happened. All I can say is the capacity for abuse and the incapacity to aggressively challenge it runs in families through successive generations, so I'm wondering if that was the first abuse you have experienced; of course I don't need to know. The denial, lies and cover-up efforts of the others are typical.

Now about you, my god. Even though you're alone now you are blessed with not having association with your weak family. You seem blessed in knowing the strong god Vic, but count on yourself first, then maybe Vic. However, you shouldn't really bother with a 'friend' who won't drop everything for you -- 'fair weather friends' are worthless -- better to talk to a cat or lovebird. It seems you know this, but I'll say it: You must never again associate with any of the weak ones in your family who are bonded together by a pattern of abuse. I know things which I can't explain how I know, but if you take my advice you'll be dealing with the basics of protecting yourself from your 'family'. These are the basic points regarding the 'family' you described:

1) Your father is the only 'good' one. He is like a swan surrounded by 'vultures'. He knows things, and that's why he doesn't like your mother's family, who are corrupt. You can't really count on your brother much, as he has 'inherited' from your mother.

2) Your mother and your aunt are both victims of sexual abuse; the proof is in their seeming collusion in your abuse, and in what appears to be a 3-person conspiracy to abuse you, probably masterminded and coerced by Gurpreet (G). Your abuser, G, has 'inherited' his abusiveness from his mother, your aunt. G's brother is also questionable, as you know. Tragic side of the family.

3) It might be best that you don't believe this, but your mother's influence has ruined the home headed by your father. Your father and mother have never really been a good couple -- the 'good' and the 'bad' are not a good combination. I feel for your father -- he has suffered more than anyone. You should keep in touch with him, even though you must not go to his home because of your mother.

4) It's just good that you're on your own now. Just don't neglect your father, darling.

5) The fifth point is forgive, but stay away, and thank your lucky stars things didn't get worse, and be kind to yourself in your new life. The courage to stand alone is good. 'God helps those who help themselves'.

Never associating with or even speaking a single word to all in your family except your father is ESSENTIAL, because as you are a sociable god who can be influenced by others, if you speak to or see them, you will probably see the good that is in them and thus might be swayed by them somehow; with your kind nature you might be influenced against your better judgment to find yourself once again in the company of loveless people who may want to love you deep down, but cannot, and therefore they don't deserve your time. 'The tree wants to bloom, but the frost will not let it'. Don't feel sorry for them because of their tragic weakness.

'Forgive them, for they know not what they do', as Christ said. Just don't have any contact whatsoever with them, unless it's a legal matter a lawyer can handle themself under your direction. That includes even attending a deathbed or funeral, my darling! (mainly because of the others who will be there). Dangerous! Paying one's respects to and loving others is best when the are ALIVE; they can't appreciate kind thoughts when they're dead (?). If I'd know what my wife would experience when she went to a memorial, I would not have allowed her to go.

How I see those in my family is none of them were my real family, even my dear parents long gone. One's real family is not one's relatives -- a radical concept, but that's me. My real family is those who understand me and whom I chose, and I've only met one real family member in my life -- my current wife and True Love. I'm the chief of my family, and I have a lovely, happy, and hilarious family reunion with myself and my wife every day. LOL.

You're going to have to be on high alert from now on regarding men (or anyone of any sex or age) who don't know or sense the higher side of Love. The sad kind who can never know higher 'Love', but just the passion of 'love', which if that is all they have, makes them tragic, and frequently, dangerous. You may be compelled, for your own safety and to give the 'bad' ones no opportunity, to become reclusive, as I am for roughly the same reason, but also to protect them from me, for I can be dangerous too; my adrenalin goes sky high if I sense I'm surrounded by evil. It's something like my own alarm system, it seems. I practice reclusion so my alarm doesn't go off.

I wrote you a long love letter which will sit on my computer's hard drive for now, dear god Rupiah. Since I read your story, it might be misinterpreted if forum members read it. There's nothing bad in it, but I am quite open about about my understanding of the higher side of sex, and I have a deep philosophy of 'Love' and 'love' that many could find incomprehensible. Also, my love letter would probably be considered "flirting" as in the sense of having an intent to pursue a relationship, which would be an incorrect but understandable judgment. I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm just openly affectionate in a tasteful, dignified and discreet way; the truth is my Love has a higher or spiritual purpose, like that of a guru, which I am not, and neither was I soliciting or looking for money when I asked you if you would like a 'Self-love counsellor' or guide.

I'm used to being misunderstood; it's part of being me. Anyway the bottom line is the letter is too personal for anyone but you to read, though if you told me to post it I would try to, and honestly it would be interesting to see what our esteemed moderators judged it to be.... It's probably best that you not ask me to post it, my goddess. I just like to theorize and test the limits, but I don't care to push too far, because though I'm adventurous I'm not really a troublemaker. I'm a peacemaker, though sometimes not a great one, because I don't fit in and just have to keep moving all the time. Whatever I am, I love what I am, and the fact that I can never get comfortable anywhere is a good thing, not a bad one. Sorry if I put anyone to sleep there. If you did nod off, I hope it was a peaceful snooze. LOL.

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. (Dalai Lama)

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. (Dalai Lama)

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness. (Dalai Lama)

Compassion is the radicalism of our time. (Dalai Lama)

You as much as anyone else in the universe deserve your love and respect. (Dalai Lama)

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Rupiah
My heart breaks for you. You are so brave to tell your story with such clarity.

I am a mother and grandmother of beloved girls. I can’t imagine them going thru what happened to you.

I wish I could put my arms around you and comfort you and tell you that you will be alright.

Please get in a safe place around safe people.

This all is too much for your friend to handle. She can be of no help to you now. Stay away from all your confused, denying, blaming relatives. Find a wonen’s center for counseling.

Heal and know you are admired and loved from far away.

Family abuse and relationships

Default profile image
Hi again Rupiah,

I read through your entire message, and I'm sorry for how your situation turned out. I honestly wasn't expecting something this traumatic had happened. You went to see family you hadn't seen in a while mainly for your mother's benefit, and this is what you had to endure.

I really don't have the best advice for you, but I would say maybe it's time to distance yourself from the people who didn't support you and get your own place if you don't have one yet. It's a shame your mother wasn't there to stand up for you. I can understand she didn't want to destroy the family, but your cousin accomplished that already. It's good that at least some people were in your corner here.

I have to ask though, did you lose contact with Vic since all of this?

There's a lot to process here.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2