I (25F) difficulty with mom and my (26M) boyfriend
RAINBOWDREAMER - Nov 13 2018 at 10:19
I'm [25F] college student want advice or to hear any experience anyone has had with a controlling parent. My mother had forbidden me to see my boyfriend [26M] of 8 months because she doesn't like him. She told me that if I didn't break up with him she would disown me, that she wouldn't have a daughter any more and she would take my car that's in her name away. I need my car for commuting to work and school.
I told her I broke off the relationship with him but that was a lie. I kept dating him in secret. It's now been 1 year 5 months we've been together. My boyfriend and I had a fight because of difficulty talking about our future because of uncertainty about where to move when I graduate this spring. I felt like I wasn't being heard when we talked about his idea vs mine. I told my mom because I didn't know who to talk , I don't have many friends here where I go to school. My mom told me she never believed I actually broke up with him. I broke up with him again and she told me that if I ever get back with him again and lie about it she's done with me.
I have broken up with him but I have spent some time talking to him and let him explain some things that I told him that were the reasons I broke it off for real this time. I still feel hurt by him but I now know it was a misunderstanding in our communication. I want to be friends with him and think I want the relationship to work. I still love him. I don't know if I can take it back. I told him I feel like I need some time to figure this out because I am stressed and don't feel like myself.
Since I told my mom about the breakup, she constantly calls to make sure he's not contacting me. I'm not telling her he is actually contacting me and came over several times. She bad mouths him and says things about him that simply aren't true. My boyfriend and I had our issues but it's nothing that can't be worked out. She told me I broke her trust and that once that's gone you can never get it back.
She has co-signed my lease on the apartment I will live in for student teaching and lent me the deposit and down payment because I won't have that money until I get my student refund in the early spring. Part of broke up this time because of the worry about paying and getting the housing because I don't have renters history and they wouldn't do it with out a cosigner.
My mom and I have had many fights a recent one over me having control of my own bank accounts and paying my bills my self and buying with money I earned from my jobs.
I have this big fear over losing my mom forever. If I want to date this guy again I fear she might really disown me. I know partly in my head it's not right for her to do this, but I don't think I can stand to lose my mom. I lost my Dad when I was young. He and my mom split because of his drinking and he took his own life.
I hope I did a decent job of writing this out with as much information that tells the story. I need to hear someone else talk about this from outside.
It's hard standing up to parents, I know, but the more you do it the easier it gets. your mum can't keep on controlling your relationships forever. you're 25 and he's 26 maybe just ignore what she says, you know the truth. I don't think she'd actually disown you, thats just a way to control you, and being controlled by a parent is not a good thing, it can become Or already be a toxic relationship.
You need to find out for yourself if he's right for you or not and not let her try to influence you. Start By being assertive with her. when shes making untrue comments about him tell her you're not going to listen when she's being judgemental anymore.
If she ignores you and carries on then show her, If that's end a phone call (tell her you're going to end the call and why, don't just hang up) or leaving her house to make a point then do so.
She could be like this because she has her own problems, worries or insecurities that cause her to be like this.