How do i do it
BEINGME47 - Nov 14 2018 at 19:02
sorry for no capitals my caps lock isn't working.
i am a mother to two daughters and one son whom is disabled.i am a full time carer for my son so much of my time is looking after him.
my two daughters have gone through a rough time with coping with this when young they are now 22 years old and 23 years old. they blame me for their depression and say they don't want to speak to me again.i suffer with anxiety and i do feel guilty for having that and making some mistakes in my past but i have always loved my daughters even though they say that i never did and they say that all they heard was arguing with myself and their father in the past. we did argue yes but not all the time and he passed away suddenly at 47 years seven years ago which i saw happen.this has been bad for all of us but i have coped. my younger daughter has told me out of the blue that she never wants to see me again and that she blames me for her life and depression. i love her and i have written to her to tell her that but she is not replying . how do i let go and be happy and stop crying over this.thank you
I wasn't sure I should reply, but decided to try. Keep in mind I have experience with this, but from the child's perspective.
First of all, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. My first thought, especially given their ages, is that it's entirely possible they're holding you responsible for their unhappy lot in life. They meed you to be the bad guy so they don't have to deal with their own issues. It's much easier to turn someone into a villain if you don't interact with them. This could be what's happening. If so, there isn't anything you can do. Except keep reaching out, hoping that they grow up enough to salvage the relationship.
Or, there is something you can do, and either they grew tired of asking it of you, or they don't believe you'll even try.
I'm 50, and just cut ties with my mother. I could give a very long list as to why. But after decades of trying to make it work, it came down to one very basic thing.
I didn't need her to be perfect. I just needed her to act like she loved me. She is capable, as I've seen her do it with my siblings. But she's never been willing to just be my mother. She was my custodian, and barely that. And honestly- I could have gotten past that, if she were willing to start being my mother, at any age. All I ever needed or wanted was to feel like she willingly cared for and about me. But it was only the obligatory stuff, and only when others were watching. I never found any comfort or warmth in her, and she made it clear I never would. Every visit was centered around her and her unhappiness, yet she's unwilling to change in any way. It eventually became too painful for me to continue interacting.
I'm not saying that's how your kids feel. What I am saying, is it's possible that whatever they need from you, they don't feel you're willing to give it. True or not, it may be their perception. If this is what's happening, you at least have a choice. You can choose to offer up sincere apologies for your shortcomings, and ask them how you can do better. Let them tell you how they feel, and why, without getting defensive. Then show them that you're open to working on the relationships.
Whatever is happening, it's complicated, with countless moving parts. I strongly recommend you see a counselor. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. So spend some time focusing on you. Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself and reconnects you to your overall wellbeing. You are more than just a parent. If you love yourself, it'll get easier to feel loved, and less difficult to let go of what hurts you. Therapists and counselors have been my lifeline, and not just where my mother is concerned. I hope you are able to reach out to someone that can truly help.
Hugs and hope to you, my friend.