Big decisions to make with neither the right one
I have been with my partner for basically 6 years. He has a history of depression, but that didn't stop me, I love him, he's a great guy, the depressive moments were tough, but we got through them and he was getting better.
So much better, in fact, that last year he suggested we try for a kid. We are in our mid 30s and he must have had a bit of a biological clock going on. I didn't think about kids anymore, I had gotten a dog instead haha.
Anyway, since then he had hurt his back. It is a muscle problem that requires he does his stretches, possibly acupuncture as well. But because of his mindset he hadn't kept up with it, and would do it half heartedly because he believed everyone was wrong. Turned into a bit of a vicious cycle, didn't believe anyone so didn't really do stretches, because he didn't do them properly, his back didn't get better and increase the depression and around we go again.
Anyway, through all of that, it felt like we were making inroads, and then it turned out I was pregnant. I am currently 8 weeks along. He wants a girl, he has a name for it if it is, and he wants to learn programming so he can teach it to the kid later. But regardless, since finding out about the pregnancy his episodes have gotten worse, irrational outbursts, slamming doors, wanting to die... all because of his back. It as also meant that I have gone through much of the worst trimester alone, the constantly feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness. Alone. Because so far it has all been about him, his back and his depression.
It makes me feel like I have made the wrong decision. I put my faith in him, that he knew what he could handle, and it turns out he may not be able to. After the last 'kill myself' outburst I had had enough and wanted him to go see a doctor and get some meds (as much as he hates them). He did go, he did get some, but i'm not sure if he has been taking them, as he has a lot of pills, magnesium for the muscles, muscle relaxants, anti depressants, vitamin d, I can't keep up and two weeks later he has had another outburst. Perhaps they take longer than two weeks. Or he's not taking them, or they're not strong enough. I don't know.
So i'm stuck here, by myself, my partner gone to bed the second he gets home, racking my brain what decision I could make. And it has to be quick and I don't know what to do. When he's good I feel like we can get there, when he is bad, I start searching the net for a way out.
Abort - I don't know if I have this in me. To go from taking vitamins to help it grow, to take pills to make it fall out, I just don't know. But, it will end this nasty mental roller coaster, and my career will not be affected by any pregnancy (because if this relationship is heading south with no way back, I need my career)
Adopt - To still go through the pregnancy, the symptoms, the worry, the stress, the birth, the disruption at work... but, also a middle ground, to have a way out... if this relationship is going south with no way back.
Keep it - Maybe it isn't hopeless. Maybe we can get through this, maybe it will be all okay, i just have to keep working through it.
Sorry, I tried to keep this brief, but in the end I failed. There is so much info to try and get across that there was no hope for a quick post.
If anyone has dealt with abortion, or a partner with depression, please, anything would be handy to hear.
That is a tough spot to be in. I can imagine how you must be feeling.
I do have a question though: is being a mother something that you want? The post said he suggested it but you didn’t state any feelings about being a parent other than scared (which is normal).
I have struggled with depression my entire life. I have also been prescribed almost every antidepressant at some point and I can say with confidence that they did nothing for me. Zoloft actually made me angry. But they can take up to a month to start working and that’s taking them every single day. Antidepressants never worked for me because I have Borderline Personality Disorder and antidepressants are for a chemical imbalance. But antidepressants also can’t fix a negative mindset.
I recently finished a year of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and for the first time in my life I can say that I am genuinely happy. When I started I was even at the worst I have ever been. I have also been in therapy my whole life and never really seen a point other than I like to talk (obviously). In DBT they teach you skills to cope with your negative emotions/skills to build and keep healthy interpersonal relationships/skills to build your own self respect and self love.
DBT was made for people like me with BPD but it is such a positive experience that I (and the people who teach it) recommend it for everyone. If someone is tired of being depressed and ready to change for themselves then DBT is the way to go.
He also has to want to be happy and it kind of sounds like he doesn’t. I can’t say for sure because I obviously only know what you wrote but it seems like you are his main motivator for conquering depression. Almost like you have to mother him. Someone who is trying to change anything about themselves has to want to do it for themselves. I used to hear it all the time and I remember thinking “yeah yeah whatever” but it really is the truth. If he is depending on you then it’s a lose/lose for both of you. I used to always depend on others for my happiness and I sucked the life out of many happy people who tried to help me because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
I have never had an abortion (but am certainly not against it) but I do have a 2 year old son. His father was a very self centered man who felt like the entire world was against him. We had planned the pregnancy and before I got pregnant he seemed excited to be a father but after I got pregnant he showed me very little love and showed no interest in his child growing inside me. I went through my entire pregnancy feeling alone, just like you are, and it was terrible. Pregnancy is awful all on its own and when your supposed support isn’t supportive it’s even worse. Even when I was giving birth he made it all about him and how tired he was and it was terrible. Even After we got home, he wanted nothing to do with his son. Wouldn’t feed him. Wouldn’t change him. Barely held him. Wouldn’t help me with our son even when I asked.
Now I watched my mom raise my sister and I on her own and the last thing I wanted in my whole life was to be a single mom. I wanted a family. Mom and dad both loving their child equally and sharing the responsibilities and hardships together. I wasn’t single but I was already a single mom. And that began a mental breakdown that lasted for a year and flipped my life upside down and inside out. It should have been the happiest time of my life but it was by far the worst.
Becoming a parent is the most drastic change I have ever had to go through. I knew my life would be different but it changed everything. It changes me, my relationships, my job, my mindset, my priorities. I love my son but doing it alone was the worst thing I have ever had to do. I respect the pain I went through because it led me to DBT and through DBT I finally found happiness and inner peace. I love the person I am today and that is the only reason I wouldn’t change anything.
My son turned 2 in July and I am only now starting to bond with him and starting to love him. Until recently, all I felt was resentment towards him. I had a good life and a good job before I had him and after he came I lost everything including my sanity. And I wanted to be a mom. I was so excited while I was pregnant. It’s terrible, I know but it’s also true.
I left my sons father not long after I started DBT and took our son with me. He refused to see his son for four months after that. I have been raising him on my own just like I never wanted to.
Sorry I don’t know how to be brief. Anyway
It all boils down to what you want and what you think you can handle. If he is unstable then of course there is the possibility that you will have to do it on your own. And the possibility that you will then have two lives to worry about other than your own.
You know yourself better than anyone and you know what is right for you. It might sound wrong but don’t make a decision based on what he or anyone else wants or thinks you should do. Take time to really think about it without letting too much emotion get in the way. Maybe do a pros and cons list. They help me so much with any decision I have to make (something I learned in DBT).
I hope I didn’t scare you too much by sharing my experience but I also hope it helped put a little perspective on things. I know how it feels to just want someone to tell you something about a tough situation. And I am sure you have heard plenty of success stories.
I hope everything works out for you. Just from your post I can tell that you are incredibly strong.
Oh my gosh, you have no idea how much better this made me feel. Just to have some words from someone who had some understanding in the subject. That's all I needed. I've been so lost these last few weeks, thank you so much for your time and sharing your story with me. I hope that things continue to look up for you and your son.
Wow, so there is a lot of information that you provided. However, you should never feel like you have to 'cut" yourself to a length of words. It it is actually healthy the more that you express your feelings and emotions.
So, the first thing that you explained about your concern(s) was that your boyfriend is undergoing very intensive outbursts and that he is not there for you and supporting you during your pregnancy. I think that you made it clear that he is not taking the exercises seriously and doing the work suggested by the doctors and than expecting a miracle for his back to heal. So, now due to his lack of care for his body it has turned into something you have to undergo and deal with that is a simple solution that is now a huge problem. So, he either needs to realize that he can't keep acting this way and engaging in this type of activity.
I also think that you have to do what is best for you and your child. I think that the reason you might want an abortion is due to the high stress you have endured and had to handle due to his "I'll kill myself" outbursts. They are exhausting I am sure.
You have to do what is best for you and not always what is best for him or everyone else for that matter. I think it is scary, not fair, emotional, stressful, and unrealistic to not know when your bf is going to have another raging outburst. You also should keep in mind that your handling this all yourself and what happens when the child comes and endures and see this in his/her own eyes is that what you want to have to del or worry about.
You seem like a very genuine person and seem like you want the best for everyone but sometimes 'we" just need to do what is best for ourselves and nobody else even if the opposition doesn't agree or respect your decision.
I hope I helped in someway and I wish you the best!!! Please feel free to email me or reply back to this on your thoughts and opinions. Would love to hear what you have to say.
Have a goodnight!!!!