I walked away from the man I love and broke my own heart (very lengthy)
Firstly, I am a 26 year old female with a 2 year old son. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder. After I had my son, I had a mental breakdown.
So about a year ago, not long after a nasty breakup with my sons father, I become reacquainted with a guy I went to high school with (let’s call him Tom) and immediately there was a spark between us. At this point I had just started therapy twice a week to end my breakdown but was still in a very bad mental place and I had a lot of work to do in order to put my life back together.
I fell in love with Tom within months when normally it takes me years. He admitted he thought he was falling for me also.
But Tom loves drinking and does so every Friday and Saturday night. He wanted to see me every chance he got so he would ask me to stay every weekend and of course I would drink also. Being in the state of mind I was in at that point you can imagine the chaos I created while drunk.
I knew I needed time to sort myself out but felt I would regret not giving us a chance when I could.
Tom possesses the mental strength and positivity I always wished I could embody. Of course he wanted to help heal me and he tried his best. But I felt smothered even though my love for him burned red hot.
I slowly watched my actions suck the life out of him. I watched him slowly but surely withdraw from me. To the point where he was letting me come over on the weekends like I asked but he would barely touch me. What we had was dead. I had killed it.
I knew then that I needed to force space between us. I focused on my therapy and my self worth and I actually found it. I discovered self love for the first time in my life and was ecstatic.
We had minimal communication for probably 2 months during that time. When we started hanging out again we were both happier people.
But things between us were different. Less personal. I only wanted to lift him higher and show him the new me so I never brought up anything serious. It was only fun and sex. Which was fine with me. We were never a couple anyway so why act like we were?
But there was an obvious lack of respect on his end. He no longer cared like he once did. He would barely ever respond to my texts and if he did, I was last priority while I would always get excited to see his name on my phone and need to respond immediately.
He was distant. He had build an enormous brick wall just for me.
In person things seemed fine most of the time. But we spent the majority of our time apart and none of that was normal.
I finally decided we needed to talk about it because suddenly he was the only thing left in my life making me unhappy. I would ask to hang out under the pretense of talking but when we would hang out, I couldn’t bring myself to spoil the good time we were having.
So we were texting about it one night after I left his place (he was responding immediately for the first time since I met him a year ago) and even though he always preferred to talk about things in person, he was trying to get me to reveal what I wanted to talk about.
I had preferred to talk about it in person but after cowardice won out twice I figured I would give him the summed up version.
I asked him why things were the way they were between us and asked if there was a possibility of it ever getting better again. I mentioned how I didn’t feel I got a lot of respect from him and that was making me unhappy.
No response. He fell off of the face of the earth for 5 days. Then messages me on Facebook saying he had lost his charger (which I don’t believe) and asked how I was.
I hadn’t slept 3 of those 5 days and I was a mess inside because I thought the man I loved and the man I thought genuinely cared for me, cut me off without a word.
“Honestly, struggling to cope with the idea that I may never hear from you again” was my response.
He didn’t answer my questions just said that he had time to think about it and a committed relationship wasn’t what he needed or wanted right now because he’s happy with how things are in his life. He said he knows I want more than that and he’s sorry but he still wants to be friends and continue to hang out.
I told him a relationship wasn’t even the point of the conversation because I had finally learned how to put myself first and also didn’t want or need a relationship but what I was looking for was more respect. I told him if things continue the way they are then I can no longer continue. I’m worth more than the disrespect I get. I tell him if anything changes on his end not to hesitate to reach out to me. I couldn’t help but tell him that my feelings for him are so strong that I know I’ll be incapable of being with anyone any time soon.
He says he had hoped we could still be friends but he understands and he won’t hesitate to reach out if anything changes.
I tell him we are still friends. But the way I acted in the past has caused him to put extra effort into keeping me at a distance. Which isn’t healthy for either of us. So some real distance might be what we both need.
He says “alright, that’s fair.”
I never respond.
That was about a month ago. I miss him like crazy. I cry all the time and I never used to cry about anything. I’m just heartbroken. He’s a great guy with a heart of gold and I am 90% sure there isn’t another girl. All he does is hang out with his brothers who are his reason and his life, work, drink, and play video games.
I’m heartbroken. I cry all the time when I never used to cry about anything. I miss him like crazy. I even sleep all the time and I didn’t used to need more than 5 hours.
I just sit and hope that he will realize how much I mean to him and message me one day.
I don’t want to delete him from social media because I hope maybe within the next year when we both have our lives together better he will seek me out again.
But at the same time I want to delete him because I need to burn the bridge to false hope.
Then I think about messaging him and just asking for the answers that riddle my brain day and night. But I feel like the chances of getting those answers are slim to none and I’m not sure I could put myself out there with such a high chance of having my already broken heart broken more by his answers or lack there of.
I’m sorry it’s so lengthy, I just need to know that the advice I get is as knowledged about the situation as possible.
He was my light when all I knew was darkness. He gave me something to hope for when I ran out of hope. He showed me how to be strong when I was weak. He means so much to me that I’m having such a hard time letting go even though he was never really mine.
I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling.
What should I do?