Stepson's wedding - Chapter 2!!
In January of this year I posted about my stepson not wanting to acknowledge that his father and I were married at his wedding in March of this year. The wedding came and went with me not attending and my husband cutting short his trip as a method of protest/support.
The son and his wife live abroad and are now coming home for Christmas. They stay with my husband's ex but usually over the festive period we have an afternoon/evening at our home with all my husband's kids where we have a meal and then play games etc. Only the way I feel about this son is that I don't want him in my home.
He hurt me so much with his attitude over the wedding and the fact that he thought he could airbrush me out of his father's life for the day/weekend, that I really don't want anything to do with him.
I need some advice. At times part of me thinks I should be the better person and carry on like nothing happened and at other times I feel totally justified at not entertaining him or his wife. I realise this would put my husband in a difficult position - and he is totally aware of how hurt and angry I still am.
Can anyone tell me how they would approach this difficult situation?
Does this fella know how you feel - or was that brushed under the rug at the wedding time? Was your husband clear about how you both felt and that’s why he left the wedding?
Why the obligation to entertain him and his wife when it was clear that they didn’t want you at their wedding?
What does your husband think?
If it was me, I’d encourage your husband to have whatever relationship he needs to have with them on his own time. He can take them out to dinner. You have a fun night out with girlfriends or go shopping.
My stepson cannot understand why I am upset over the wedding. About 2 weeks after the event he wanted to go out with me and his dad and was surprised when my husband said it wasn't happening. His comments was "Is she still upset".
He is quite emotionally unaware. He is a very selfish person and it would not occur to him that he has hurt anyone's feelings and nor would he care.
I have told my husband to see him alone but I feel I will come under pressure from my husband's other kids who really look forward to our fun evening together
Two choices (that I would consider for myself):
1.Swallow my hurt and continue on. This is an unwinnable argument with people who just don’t get it.
2. Announce that the family game nite will not take place and instead, spend time alone with each individual couple that you wish to be with.
It’s interesting that this son asks if “SHE is still upset.” That shows your husband has not stepped up to confront this snub of you and his father’s marriage. No wonder the son is putting all this on you.
Are you in couples counseling? There are issues here that involve your relationship and this incident just brought it to light.
We went to counselling but it really achieved nothing. My husband isn't strong in the face of any upset and his children know that. He also feels that the wedding has come and gone and shouldnt be dwelt on! I dont know whether my husband hasn't said he was upset or if it's just that his son finds blaming me an easier option. I also sense the ex wife's hand in all this
Of course! And your husband’s role in that marriage spills over to your marriage. And son also models it.
Don’t look to your husband for a sanity check.
I've long stopped expecting my husband to resolve issues like these. I sometimes feel we're good until his kids ask the next thing of him and I know that he will again be torn and stressed and I will be hurt. I quite often think that the next time I will simply walk away and he can please his children totally without having to consider me but that would be a shame cos generally we are good together. But enough will be enough
Well, stepson has landed back and needless to say father went to airport to pick him up. Husband and I had a long chat about things the day before and we discussed him chatting with his son in the car to the effect that he had to realise that his actions over the wedding had caused issues which hadn't gone away. I suggested he didn't get into a discussion with his son but just flagged up that things were still tense.
He got back from trip and had said nothing!
I had said to my husband that son would not be welcome in our home over Christmas (but that he could see him whenever) but he is now saying"well if he turns up, you won't say anything will you?".
I am so angry at his lack of support and belief that it should just all be forgotten. I have had to dip out of a family afternoon with 2 others of his children today because I am so upset. I don't know what to do. My husband seems to think his son can come to our house and everything will be fine but I am hurt, humiliated and angry.
Can some of you sensible rational people out there give me some ways to deal with this.