It took me over 2 years to come back as you can see (just checked my thread from 2016-your msg was the last one except ofc the girl who started Posting about her Problem in my thread - Not trying to be an a*hole here-). Sorry for just disappearing on you.
I wanted to give you an Update, thats only if you are interested,Well im going to Post it anyway :P (hope you are tho, your Interest in my Problem and life at that Time meant the World to me and i kept thinking about our online convos a Lot and still to this day i do so)
With every month that passed since September 2016 Till february 2017 the distance between me and my ex got bigger and bigger. I was overwhelmed and scared to death of losing anyone at that point. My mother got worse healthwise and so did the Situation in that 30m2 flat we lived in. We had Situations that just escalated so badly that i slapped him in the face..it was such a freaking nightmare.
At some point guess it was on his birthday 12.02.2017 i told him to move out and i guess he then packed his stuff and left a couple of days later,i dont remember how i felt, its rly blurry, but it was the best thing i did. It just wasnt meant, from the beginning we had a 5% Chance..something just told me there is more out there and most importantly there is a different Kind of Love i need and want (when there is a huuuuge Cloud of sadness and disconnect from yourself you dont see anything..I bet you were pretty frustrated at times with me.. 0 )
A month later my beautiful mom past away. I moved in with my lil Brother (at that Time 17y old). Some Arguements followed with my older sister with whome i always had a difficult relationship.
In the meantime i started gambling..(Yes, Hello next problem!) And also working a Lot at my great Call-Center Job.
My money Problems got worse, i took a loan and it spiraled..lost a Lot of money, got so deep Into It that i went to the casino on my own but didnt rly wanna be there, but still i couldnt Stop..
Some months ago i realized that a Lot of my Frustration was directed towards my Brother so i started thinking before talking, our relationship is getting better tho,im trying my best and also with my sisters and mine relationship.
Now, some Time has past And i havent gambled. I looked up an Anonymus Group and im planning on going there, most importantly for getting help with planning my finances.
At this Time i dont rly have any goals i have to admit(there was a period of Time right after my mom death where i had some Plans and goals..). I did want to do some courses regarding my education and Interests but lost hope/motivation when i saw how much money i would need for them and how little money i would earn while doing the course.
At work its living hell , a Lot of ppl left and there is just so much work its insane, but i said to myself i will stay until 2019 (they are a Lot of changes that started beginning of 2018- everyone is waiting for some relieve).
I dont want you to think that everything went to sh*t, because that wouldnt be true. At work for example i started working on a Project where i have foreign trainees and lead a course myself every now und then which made me See that i Love being a Trainer und doing all of that in English.
Then ofc as i mentioned i started working on my relationships with my Brother and sister and even my dad.
I try Not to lie(believe it or Not, if you are a Child of ppl who basically ran from the police their whole relationship,It can be hard at times).
Regarding men or sex there is nothing happening. nothing. I had a couple of one night Stands after my Relationship (younger guy..) but it has been a year Now..No, over a year. (Is there an exploding-head emoji here that i could use?!)
Well, im not rly a fan of myself right now (its not a complaint, just a fact) and my body for that matter. Ive been talking so long about going to a dance class but i keep finding excuses Not to do so. (My biggest excuse at the momemt -for Not doing stuff that i would Love to do is- i cant be fully authentic so it would just frustrate me being in a dance class,for example, and being able to reallyyyyyd show my moves that only my mirror is allowed to see)
Besides that im still in therapy, our topic right now is "taking resposibility for your own life". Me and my therapist couldnt make a Lot of progress for a year now, but that is changing too atm.
I hope you arent too mad that i basically ghosted you and if you are it would Not surprise me at all, but still i want to apologize.
Hope to hear from you when you have time or of you like.
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