Selfish because I want SEX
I have been married for 3 years. My husband works out of state 5-6 days a week. I stay home. My husband has chronic shoulder pain, and deals with pain everyday. His Dr has advised that his last option is shoulder surgery, which he refuses to have done. Lately my husband is suffering from ED, and has told me pills like Viagra can cause blindness so he wont take them.
We havent had sex in 6 months. I have encouraged him to do other things with me, or to me (dildo, etc). He never does, he tells me I am selfish and should think of others. He tells me that him buying me things and taking me to dinner should be enough. He has told me if I cheat our marriage is done.
I am in my mid 40s and have a sex drive that is through the roof, so I masturbate daily. I am home alone while he is at work. When I call to talk it always ends in a fight. Lately I fantasize about being touched by a man, but he makes me feel guilty for wanting sex.
O can symphasise.
I'm in the middle off a separation from my wife,I'm mud 40s and very virile and I have not had sex in 3months now so you have my full sympathy.
It's the most natural pleasure i know and I miss my wife a lot.she was great in bed when she was in good form. Our early years...3 times a week....I'm past year...maybe 6 or 7 times but the relationship is over so I'm in limbo until we part and it is frustrating
"He tells me that him buying me things and taking me to dinner should be enough. "
Not true. Because that's mere friendship, not marriage. So friendship would lead to marriage, and we wouldn't need lovership.
You don't have to marry to be friends with someone - just infrequent company and a meal out - on-average only once per week. There again, how 'friendly' is it to sexually reject someone who expects - has been reared to expect their whole life! - the very opposite, and refuse to try any remedy or alternative? How 'friendly' to call yourself a husband but refuse to change a job situation that effectively renders your so-called marriage a part-time thing in amongst her (and yourself) living alone like a singleton?
How come you agreed to marry him if he was refusing to have a normal relationship that naturally includes regular sex, due, allegedly, to a bad shoulder? And, likewise, how come, if you knew your marriage would basically only consist of being together one day per week, two at the most?
Or did you not know? Is this a development?
How come this shoulder doesn't stop him from working - out of state at that - Monday to (?) Saturday? What - exhaust fumes anaesthetise his shoulder pain (that's so bad he can't even operate a d*ldo), do they? Self-steering Automatic, is it? Or does he have a chauffeur? Or does he 'train it' and risk being shoulder-bumped like all commuters suffer? Same goes for his being capable of full-time working in the first place, travel or no travel?
What happened 6 months ago, then?
Refuses the surgery, why?
So he can't supply basic 'food' and refuses to even try, even though there's food sat there in his 'spare cupboard' (using a vibrator), to at least be keeping you happy to be married to him (which should bring him pleasure), but if you try to eat at another table, that's cheating? What - he wants you to just 'starve'?
Bit selfish, isn't it (to say the least)? Oh, does he only see your (so-called) selfishness?
It is NOT selfish to expect something you've your whole life been taught to expect, when that person could at least be doing the next best thing or bare minimum, has the perfect power and wherewithal to, yet refuses.
I'm not advocating cheating, I'm simply highlighting his lack of logic and fairness through this technically incorrect (but very convenient) definition. Because cheating is when you give a right that belongs exclusively to your lover to a third party, either exclusively or simultaneously, and you're unaware it's going on (yet tortured by sensing something not right is going on).
Doesn't that mean he's cheating on you with his out-of-state job? Because it gets the time you, his wife, should be getting?
What's so great about this job that he'd effectively risk his wife reaching a point where she divorces him for it?
What about his own sexual urges? Where did those disappear to?
Define 'lately' re the ED.
(Everyone else, please continue contributing too. Thanks.)
Back to the Dr. with this guy. You go with him and explain what's happening in your marriage, supposedly due to this "shoulder problem.'
I, too, wondered how he can work so hard with a bad shoulder, yet deny sexual activity with his willing, loving wife.
He's not keeping up the marriage vows with you.
Something's fishy here.
This has just started like 7 months ago with no sex. When I ask he says its hos shoulder progressively getting worse. When we were first married he didnt have this job. I unfortunately cant work, so he supports both of us. His focus is on providing a good living for us, but at what cost.....our marriage. I find myself at a low point in life, I lost my job, car, due to surgical mistake. I also have zero family to ask for advice or help. But this is getting very hard for me. I appreciate all of the advice, more than you know.
I hate to be the person that goes against the universal view here, but maybe your husband really has a lot on his plate.
Since he got this job, it became a major responsibility in his life so he can provide for you both. It probably adds more stress having to travel far often.
Erectile dysfunction and shoulder pain probably could put a serious damper on someone's mood. You know, sometimes maybe sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. Maybe it's having someone to spend time with and care for, and be spoiled by.
People can be scared of surgery and pills for obvious reasons, usually there is some downside - and it costs money and takes doctors' visits to set up for. I'm not sure what all you went through with your botched surgery, but I'm sure you can relate a bit.
I don't think you're wrong to want to have sex, but some of us want to have sex and don't have anyone to do it with. Some people can't even have sex at all because of illness, medical issues, or because of birth defects or other unfortunate issues.
Does he love you and do you love him? That's the first thing you need to answer.
Maybe if you can catch him on a good day you could even suggest other forms of sex besides intercourse that might be fun to relax with.
Altster (as I now not so secretly call you lol),
But I'll see your Devil's Advocate and raise you.
CAN do a permanent Mon-Fri career job.
CAN do a whole extra day over the norm, even.
CAN commute out of state, no less.
CAN regularly sit at a restaurant table - leaning on his elbows, presumably, what with restaurants chairs rarely having armrests.
CAN get to his doctor's surgery and back each time, according to him.
CAN go out shopping (to buy her things).
Can constantly pick a fight with his wife whenever she tries to call him when he's away.
Can box his partner into a "no-win" corner, followed by huge threats to stay there till her dying day, too, evidently.)
*Can't* wiggle a d*ldo - or a finger - around.
Also can't now take an effective solution - Viagra - in order to just lay on his back as she does all the work (I gathered correctly, yes, AngelTiger?). Presumably, because that would be the straw that broke the overworked camel's back?
Come oooon. Surely.