Husband wants a divorce, but I don’t :(
Married 26 years (high school sweethearts) with 2 young children.
Since our children came along, our marriage slowly deteriorated. I admit my focus was on the kids, and I stupidly put my marriage on the back burner. Looking back on it, this was a major cause of a lot of our problems. I’m regretting the decision I made to solely focus on my kids, and I think I will forever.
We weathered through many storms, but over the last couple of years we’ve lived like roommates. He sleeps in the spare room in our basement, and I sleep in the master bedroom. He has threatened me several times with divorce, but we bounce back and decide that we’ll work on our relationship. Each time that has happened though, we never really put the work in. We tried two different marriage counselors, and they were both awful. I dreaded going, and I felt worse leaving then when I’d walk in. We never sat down to discuss what both of our needs were, and what we each needed from each other. We never realized and made a point of going out on dates, etc. We just didn’t know how to fix us.
Recently, he told me he wanted out. He said he felt dead inside, and he was going through with the divorce. He met with an attorney, and I know he’s serious this time.
We’ve talked, and he’s walking around like a zombie. He’s depressed, and he’s seeing a therapist (has been for a couple of years). I can honestly say that since he’s been seeing this therapist that our relationship has devolved even further. I don’t know what she’s telling him, but I don’t think she’s pro-marriage.
I’ve read several books, blogs, articles, listened to podcasts and read online forums and what I’ve realized is that I needed to change A LOT about myself. I started to make those changes, and he noticed. He became more cordial. He even came into my room one night and asked if we could be intimate (prefacing it with, “I don’t want to send any mixed messages, but I want to see if we can connect on a basic level and we both have needs”). I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t feel any emotional connection with him, he said he understood and then said that it was a mistake that he asked. Of course, after thinking about it all night, I regretted not giving him what he wanted. Who knows, maybe there would have been a connection?! Maybe he would have realized we should work on us? Now being intimate is out of the question because he feels he’ll send me a mixed message.
I’ve gone through stages of denial and anger, and I’m not proud but I’ve almost pleaded for him to give our family a final chance. He has flat out told me that he doesn’t want to be married to me any longer, and he doesn’t have the energy nor desire to try and fix our relationship.
I’m hurt, and I’m really confused because he has sent me mixed messages. He claims that he hasn’t, and I’m just desperate and grasping at straws. There are times when I see indecision in him, but he claims it’s only him trying to be kind to me because he doesn’t want to see me hurt. (Eg. I told him the other day that I feel like my hugs and attempts at holding his hand make him uncomfortable, and I asked him if I should stop doing that. He said no. So, if he wants a divorce then why would you want me to continue to try to be affectionate?!). Am I reading signs that I hope are there and they really aren’t? I’m starting to feel like a fool.
I feel like he’s giving up on our family, and a commitment we made to God, and I don’t understand how he could. I strongly believe he feels like if we try again that we’ll fall back into our old patterns. However, what’s killing me most is that I know what my role was in the demise of our relationship, and I know what I have to do to improve things. I know these things now because I’ve soul searched and have read an abundant amount of different resources.
I’m so incredibly sad. Should I give up trying to fight for my marriage?!
I'm going to reply because I'm in a similar situation.
12 years marriage,2 kids,wife says it's over.Says she no longer loves me. I have tried my best but beginning to give up hope of changing her mind.I been with her 20 years,since I was 25.We had our ups and downs,every couple does. I know when kids were small I neglected her and drank too much and I told her this and over past few years,turned my back on drink. I called her some bad names in arguments...but she did it too and I apologize to her for it.
No matter...it looks like it's too late and my mistreatment made her have an affair very recently and this broke me...I could not believe she would do that on me but she did.
I don't even know if she came to me now wanting to make it work if I could get over the affair.yes...i would try and hope the thought would die but afraid I would use it as ammunition if the going gets tough.
I think I cannot repair things between us but....I have found a better person in myself and learned from it and I intend to follow my own path now so I hope for you that you follow a path to repair your marriage...I think you are not too late but remember...it takes two...it can't be a one way street
I will reply too because I am similar to you both for various points.
I am married 26 years and it was my husband who completely neglected me for work . I was left to rear the children work and look after the home . He forgot birthdays , never attended school functions and even forgot our 25th anniversary. I was the one who wa so lonely I had an online affair which recently ended .
My affair partner I discovered had more than me and really was keeping me as an aside for his entertainment. Serves me right maybe . He has a wife too which he still sleeps with so he pretty nasty but anyway . I now thank god I have not been found out by my family . I have opted to stay in my marriage because my husband threatened suicide before when I said I wanted out. But that was years ago and I think we can work at becoming good companions although I will never sleep with him again . We have not slept together in about 16 years now . I don’t think the grass is always greener and I think divorce can be a very lonely place . I would keep trying to talk and see if you can find a common ground