Well, I started to see changes after a few years of marriage. She seemed to distance herself emotionally and then we had our first and only child. After she was born, we completely stopped having sex. But not just that we seemed to be living as roommates more than husband and wife and nothing has changed since then.
Sex is not that important to me but the complete lack of it makes me feel like I am living with a renter not a wife. I miss feeling close to a woman and what makes it worse is that I am afraid to do anything about it because of our daughter. I do not want her to have to suffer and prefer to pretend that things are going well so that she has a stable family life as she grows up.
I feel trapped. I am wondering why my wife does not want to sleep with me anymore, even though we seem to get along in every other respect.
After having our first child I have isolated myself from outside world, this went on for about a year. Going back to work at the end of that year has opened my eyes and I started making the effort. Although he went and had an affair for couple of years, we are back again. It is very tough! Do not go down that route as you might think that you have every right to it or get tempted!
Maybe your wife needs to start taking up hobbies/interests where you can also join her and spend time together outside of your home.
Well first of all i want to congratulate you for not having an affair, many men wont. I have been married for over ten years and after my first child i wasnt interested in sex. A child takes up a lot of energy and i didnt have any help so was always tired. Then my man wanted porn sex, romance was out of the question. I wasnt into that so forced myself once a week. He went to chat online to other girls. To keep him happy we had sex every two days the way he likes but it hasnt worked he is worse than ever. In your case try to understand why she doesnt want to have sex. Is it because she needs help with daily chores, that she needs to do things with you more, do you communicate, do you do sex her way? Does she feel ok with her self esteem? My man says that no men want to spend time with their wife in a long term marriage 30 minutes a week max. I think he is wrong and no need to tell you our marriage is dead by now. But if you love your wife have a good chat about what would make her happy and then work on it. Good luck
So my guess is that women feel underappreciated after a while and more like a maid or a mother to their man. Send her an ecard a few times a month to show her you love her and think about her. Do some chores without being asked. If she's home before you, call your home and leave a message she will get telling her you love her and can't wait to come home to her warmth. Give more of yourself. Just my thoughts.
Recently a work colleague offered to cheat on her husband with me and it took all my strength to turn her down and make it clear that it would not solve her problems or mine. I think this was the right thing to do but it was tough to accept my ongoing loneliness.
I guess when it comes to sex, men have sex to find happiness but women have sex when they are happy. I am going to try to appreciate my wife more and hope for the best. My daughter is awesome, and being a father is great so I am going to focus on that for now. Hope you all are able to find some happiness in your lives.
I also appreciate getting a female perspective. I hope your back isn't causing you too much discomfort. I am also sorry to hear about your "maid" role too. I can fully empathize with this. However the following statement " For his benefit I tried to have sex with him FOR him, but after a while I felt like I just couldn't lie about it anymore. We've talked and tried and tried to make it better but he's not (nor am I) the person we were before" WOW If I were in your bf's situation I would feel pretty lousy. My partner doesn't want to have sex with me??? There is two levels of sexual desire in a man. The first is raw & animalistic desire to satisfy / be satisfied. The second however is the need to be desired / loved by his partner. I am not being cruel but honest when I say that your statement would devistate me & to be honest I would see it as the beginning of the end. I don't know your full circumstance but from your post it seems to give the message that you have no sexual urges anymore therefore you will not have sex with your partner & he will have to live with it???? This is a general opinion that seems to be expressed with these posts...I am in a sexless marriage & would like to know WHY the male should be expected to just grin & bear it?? Your opinions on this matter are welcomed
We had an active sex life at the beginning but now we can go weeks / months without sex. My wife NEVER instigates it & if we do have sex it is grudgingly & performed out of duty as oppossed to desire. I have discussed this with my wife probably about 10 times in our relationship & nothing changes. I am a pleaser & willing to satisfy & she claims she is satisfied. When you hear the excuse about being tired or having no time but they can make time to watch every crappy program on TV you have to wonder?
Sex IS very important to me because I feel it has an essential function in a loving relationship. It has an animalistic function primarily BUT it is also an adult expression of love & one's desire to be together.
I have tried several times to attempt to confront & resolve this issue, offer to go to councilling, etc
I have young kids & would do NOTHING to hurt them but I think that when they are older & grown up that I am destined to have an affair. If I do it will be with my head held high as I have tried to address the situation several times. Yes sex is one part of a relationship but we need to look beyond animal instincts & realise that rejecting your partner is like pissing on their heart because they too want to feel wanted & desired. Rejection or lack of physical intimacy will be the beginning of the end even for the most understanding & loving partner...
I have 2 children. I have noticed that in the begining of the relationship and when they want a child a woman will give you as much sex as you need. As a result most relationships work really well. Once children come along then understandably you get less sex. But the question is does she see, her looking after the kids as more difficult than anything else you could be doing?
My wife is a stay at home mom, a great mom, really good with the kids. But when it comes to sex these days its always a story of I am tired or this or that. It got to a point where I offered to hire a made and a nanny to free her, so we could be more intimate. Even this was turned down.
So my advice to my fellow men is to realise there is never enough you can do to please your wife or girl friend, it will never be enough and the sex will not come even if she seems happy. The best way around it is to have a serious talk with her and get her to do a deal with you. Get her to submit to your needs and in turn you attend to hers.
This will sound mean but trust me, it only worst this way. If you do things for her and hope she will give you sex you will be in for a long wait and you both will suffer.
Relationships seem to work best for the both of you when YOU are in charge.
Give it a try, and be prepared for a hell of an argument as most women have been thought by feminism never to submit.
In the beginning she will test you but in the end she will thank you and you both will be happy.
For her sex is a chore, it hurts.
I focus on the pain she has when I am tempted and it keeps me from "straying". WE have sex about once every three months, not enough but it is all she can handle.
All that to pontificate for a moment. As a 63 year old man I want to advise each of you to see a sex therapist and/or a marriage counselor. Over time not being intimate will eat at your marriage and men it will make you unhappy not from just missing sex but the love playing that goes with the sex. Having sex should not be a time to simply have an orgasm but should be a time where the souls of two people entwine and grow. Talk to your spouses and seek counseling, it will be one of the best decisions that you ever made.
Tell her/him the purpose is to re-light the fire.
See how it turns out. You will know what to do when you get back home.
INTIMACY is VITAL for a good marriage. That may not include intercourse, but petting and kisses and loving touches should be there. ni.
Getting their hair done.
Getting a pedicure and a manicure
Exercising (so buy her a gym contract)
New pj's (so buy her something nice)
Getting taken out for dinner
Getting some GOOD sleep
Getting a makeover
Clean husband (take shower often!!)
Romantic sex - not demanding
Being taken away for the weekend
Sweet talk or texts (NOT dirty ones)
Lots of foreplay
If none of these work, make sure she has a physical. She may be depressed and/or doesn't feel good about herself or her body.
Sometimes men ignore problems that their wives have repeatedly tried to deal with only to notice a problem when sex stops.
I know you are in pain and I am not blaming you but asking you to look back and consider. Has there been any conflict over the years that is repeated that you may have considered trivial?
Perhaps approach this as a relationship problem not only a sex problem. Have you read any relationship books? Is sex good for your wife?
Are you happy with the quality when you do have sex? Have you voiced disatisfaction with her when you were having frequent sex? Is she unhappy with her body?
Sometimes, warning signs were there that this person was just not "into" sex. As time goes by, these feelings increase and the need for intimacy and sex diminish.
Some of the responses have been unkind and have nothing to do with his situation. It is more about the problems of the poster.
In reading your post OP, I think you are being too nice and rewarding your wife for disrespectful behavior. My suggestion is to stop telling her how hot and beautiful she is. Also stop saying you love her so often
Go back to how you were before you married. She is too sure of you. Dress nicely, get a good hair cut, get a hobby and join a group with shared interest. Be a bit mysterious. It's not a game, it's human nature.
She thinks you will always be there so she does not have to treat you well. The fact is that you may not always be there for her. What you are doing is letting her know that before she loses you. Give her a chance to work with you.
BTW, don't ask her what you should do. Do what you need to do. If you think therapy will help then go, you don't need her permission.
Let her know she welcomed to join you. Read "No more mr nice guy". You don't need to become a jerk but more independent and self assured like the man she married.
Don't be fearful. You'll get push back from her but in the end she will all in or not. In the meantime you will be a better man. Post on a supportive forum as you change.
My advice is from the experience of my marriage. I did not understand my husband as a man. I know now because I read about men and changed. I hope you will get change in your life.
How was the pregnancy, how was the birth, were you there? Was/Is there post natal depression? How do you spend your time? Are you a stay at home person or a gad about? There simply has to be more to this problem than the obvious. There are always more than two sides to a story. Whatsup?
I think at the end of the day its about selfishness. Some women see men as simply sperm and a paycheque. And there is nothing I can do about that. And I find that piggish and disgusting.
A women connects emotionally first and then tries to satisfy the person to whom she has connected emotionally. Marriage does not remain the same years into it. You have to keep adding spice in it to keep it going great. If romantic outings are not working that coz you have lost the emotional connect already. Try to impress her with new things. Show more care and understanding. Sometimes its not enough to just care...she needs to understand you care....so you need to market yourself with words. Simple things like if you have cooked for her, her favourite dish say "I knew you would like it. I made it especially for you". If you have bought her a pretty dress, tell her "This dress looks prettier when you wear it." Please do not link it that see I am praising you, doing things for you so I need sex in lieu of it. That will eventually happen when the emotional connect comes back. Your focus should be to rekindle the emotional love.
Speak to her on the way she would like to have sex. Ask her what her fantasies are and try to bring them in into your role plays. If she doesn't know what she wants, either ask her to read sex stories or tell her various situations and ask her which appeals to her for your role play together. Designate a day in advance for your game...so you don't have to beg her and she will also prepare herself better mentally. When she starts showing more interest then you may gradually introduce the striptease or lap dance etc.
Women are shy to talk about sex. So try to read her body expressions to understand it more.
I believe something is missing here and something is not being acknowledged by one or both people.
Both people need to change,and embrace something new...... Both need to understand each other better. You need someone neutral to help tease out whatever unsaid thing,feeling, memory, in a controlled environment where both can hear yourselves!!!! Be present with them, the block in the road has to be removed ,you are both in crisis and need mentoring.
I left a long term relationship due to the similar reasons , I am a woman ,no children. He had a closed mind and barely washed,and just lazy. I wanted to explore and get a deeper connection, he was not interested.
So what that said to me was this.......
I need to feel love.....
I need to feel desired.....
I need to feel human.....
I need to smile again.....
I need to be happy......
All of those things I needed.... being in the relationship was like ME denying myself these basic needs. Not him, I got so used to asking for permission from someone else. Blaming them for me not feeling full-filled.
I wanted to go to counseling, try new things ,be lighthearted and have some fun....even if we just have a giggle etc, he did not think like me.....because sex to him was routine, lazy and not in tune ,a chore, needed serious work. Too much resentment build up its like a fog that you cannot see through.
I left and he never fought for us, leaving was the best decision , the problem was no communication, he had problems articulating stuff to me,so a therapist would have helped alot.
Ultimatum,,,, counseling for both.... or just you.....
I see from many of the women replying here that they need all kinds of emotional massaging to get things rolling in bed. Not sure if this is a natural or learned behavior. If you love your man and he loves you and you both know it then there should be no thought process involved before deciding "shall I, or shall I not".
Of course, I can understand the woman's thought process if she's with a jerk that she doesn't love or possibly even despises. But then isn't she playing a bit of a hooker role looking for the payment up front (just look at the lists on other comments by women of their turn-ons) for some rather crappy emotionally detached sex?
In my case, I've completely stopped making any sexual gestures toward my wife, as I got tired of the continual rejections. Now she seems to be wondering what is up. She doesn't bring it up, but I think she feels she has lost some sort of leverage over me, or worse yet that she has badly damaged her own marriage through her own game-playing. On the other hand, with sexual tensions out of the way, we are getting on rather well.
This entire issue is REALLY contradictory. You say that "Sex is not that important to me" But then you go on to say "the complete lack of it makes me feel like I am living with a renter not a wife." HOLD ON, if it's not that important, why such the extreme dichotomy here? If sex isn't all that important to you, your relationship should be able to completely function without it. 110% you should be happy. What you said kind of implies that what makes your wife, your wife is the fact she has sex with you? And that if she doesn't she's a renter? I think in this regard sex means more to you than you acknowledge. Sex is so unimportant it breaks your relationship? I think that's some pretty significant importance.
To fix this issue, I suggest you communicate it to her. Ask her can you have more sex? If not why not? Whatever her reason is if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to. But if her reason is something that can be negotiated, then attempt to do that.
Another issue you probably want to fix is this emotional distancing. Again communicate this, ask her why she is acting this way, and what you and her can do to fix it. As you feel it hinders your relationship.
Don't feel trapped. You shouldn't, the reason you feel trapped is because your not communicating it with your partner in the fear it may harm the family stability. But the harm has already been done, it's already unstable. You're already unhappy, that is not stable. To make it more stable communicate and negotiate to fix this problem. If you can't fix it then, it's probably best not to be in the relationship, if you're not content that is. It seems selfish, but you live your own life, you should be happy in it, you should not live your life for your kid, unless that with itself makes you happy. Happy enough to live the rest of your life not loving your wife and being unhappy in the relationship, but not in the family.
In conclusion communicate and negotiate. That way you can try to mend this, if you want to. It's the best thing to do, if not decide will you live your life for this child? Will that make you happy? Will you keep trying to fix it?
I hope that helped, good luck with your relationship and have a wonderful day
Who initiates? Maybe she can sense your lack of desire and lack of initiation and it turns her off. Are you romantic at all? Do you ever try to make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? or do you just come to her ever few weeks to get off? Not a turn on.
Women need passion. They need to feel desired and beautiful. Your 3rd sentence to us already made it clear that you don't feel that. And then again "sex isn't that important to me" why not? because its a physical act of what you are suppose to be feeling in your heart? because it gives your partner a pleasure she is not suppose to be getting from any other person on the planet? hmm well may be you should make it important to you.
This is wrong in a sense. You BOTH need to feel in charge, BOTH having an impact if it's one sided one party will ultimately be miserable.
I'd like to comment on a running trend here, which seems to be sex (and intimacy) is important and integral to all men and relationships in general. It's not to ALL relationships. If one party values the proposition of such actions, yes it will be important to an extent. But some people literally could care less, at how ever much intimacy they get. With this in mind, do not take the lessons from these stories as fact. Do not try to generalize them to your situation to a great degree. Each message comes from a very specific person's personality, experiences and lifestyle context. All these factors will not be mirrored in peoples situations. As such any application into your life may not be very valid or reliable. It can broaden your perspective to think about this issue in different lights. And if you have good reason to believe that the lesson portrayed can in fact portray to your situation it may, but don't count on it.
MEDLOCK, has a lot of valid points listed in her opinion. Which is basically exactly what I think some of the people above her do. Not all, but some.
I honestly think sex is a privilege really, that's taken very much for granted. It's become an expectation to be non-stop provided. When in reality, it doesn't need to be. It's a nice thing to have, but if you're relationship's entire basis is based off this, then do you really love your wife? Or do you just love the sex she provides? If you were happy with your wife, shouldn't her being the person she is, being happy within herself be enough? Shouldn't that make you happy just being with her? You fell in love with her personality right? Not her looks. There is no personality role in sex. Which means your like for that role has disappeared. Why? The reason you fell in love with them has disappeared in this regard, since their personality no longer satisfies making you happy. Which it should, for the entire duration of a marriage/life commitment with them. I feel that is what it should truly be about.
"rewarding your wife for disrespectful behavior" MARY. Disrespectful behavior? Please direct me to this disrespectful behavior? Are you talking about her "distancing" Herself? Not having constant sex? Do you call these disrespectful behaviors? Since they're the only behaviors evident in the OP's post. Not having sex, there's probably a reason for that, distancing herself, there's probably a reason for that too. But the OP hasn't discussed it yet. Therefore you cannot conclude her behavior is disrespectful in any way, shape or form. "I know now because I read about men" You can read about men, doesn't mean every man conforms to those sterotypes. Humans are a lot more complex than just being described simply by reading about them. We don't even fully understand ourselves, therefore generalizing facts you've read in a newspaper or internet article is as reliable as me saying right now, that all women sterotype men. I don't understand why you thought his wife is the bad guy here. In essence no one is the bad guy.
Whatsup's post identifies a clear problem with, that many people overlook when giving advice. I.e Information. Where there is lack of information someone will make up things to fill in gaps, otherwise known as assumptions. Which are unreliable.
That is my little rant here over. None of it was meant to be aggressive, sorry if it turned out that way.
Firstly, the argument of she must be depressed or tired or over-worked as the reason to not have sex doesn't hold much water, as you clearly pointed out. It's more down to the fact, that people change. The reason people change can be quite random and not even have a proper explanation. Perhaps she just got tired of it? Maybe she doesn't like the constant sex? Maybe she never liked it, it was as people have said in their stories here pity sex? Maybe she felt obliged to for a while and then stopped because she wasn't happy. That's a possibility. "If it worked before why won't it work again?" That's not how life works, people change is a perfect explanation for this. Maybe you liked apples when you were younger, now you hate them! Why? Who knows.
The burden is not only on her, but on both of you. You're in this relationship together, if the boats sinking and someone wants to stop it, then you try to. You insinuate that you've asked her, but you have never stated her explanation for why she does this? You imply it's masked behind "big words" and that maybe she should use "smaller ones" Question her if you don't understand something. If she doesn't understand how to even explain it then she's probably changed, as people tend to do, and sometimes you cannot explain those changes.
If she doesn't understand how you feel and you explain yourself clearly, but she doesn't take enough care to actually understand how you feel, then yes she is to blame. Same with you if you don't take enough care to understand how she feels by questioning her until you do. Unless she becomes rejectful and frustrated explaining herself, then that is again her fault. You both take equal responsibility for how the relationship turns out. You don't just shrug it off being "Oh, not my problem, I can't do anything to fix this." Unless it's a problem with effecting your partner only and it's about her feelings being out of control. Barr that situation any other thing should be able to be attempted to be solved, with some explanation to why or why not a solution cannot be reached.
Your right some women do. Not all however, I really don't think yours is one of those either.
The intention could be announced before:" We are going away for a romantic weekend. Let's make it exciting and special for just us. When do you want to plan this?"
If the wife declines this, at least you know where you stand in all this.
I think there's nothing wrong with saying "My wife has fallen out of love with me. I must move on to find love in my life."
Let me assure you of something. If your wife no longer gives you what you need, you are no longer giving her what she needs.
Generally, when men are looking for a relationship, they’re looking for a woman to have sex with, that they can hopefully talk to. Women are looking for someone to talk to, with whom they can have sex. Unlike men, who can see a strange woman in a thin blouse on a cold day and suddenly be “ready to go,” you need to give her a reason to want sex with you.
When you first started dating, and went out to dinner, I’ll bet you hung on her every word. You actually looked at her and listened. Smiled. I’m willing to wager that, now, when she’s talking to you, you’re staring at your plate as you shovel food in your mouth.
When you first started dating, were you happy and positive? Now that you’ve “got” her, has your attitude changed? Are you a complainer? (Not necessarily complaining about HER, but about life in general?) How often do you just look at her and smile, like you used to? What is your facial expression now?
I’m also willing to bet that, before, you used to touch her. Putting your hand on the small of her back to guide her through a crowd, your hand on her arm and a look of concern if she felt distressed about something, or simply brushing her hair away from her face. Touch her in public, in front of your friends, showing the world that “she is yours.” Do you only touch her now when you want sex? It’s these tiny little gestures that make women feel wanted and, therefore, turned on.
Some of you think, “If my wife isn’t going to give it to me, I’ll get it on the side.” Well, in order to get it from someone else, you are going to have to start from square one and pay attention to a woman like you originally did with your wife. If you’re going to go through the trouble, you might as well do it with the one you’ve got at home!
As for women “using sex” to ensnare you, this is simply your refusal to take any of the blame. Face it – if she’s no longer interested, you are no longer a panty-dropper. Sorry.
When you first met her, did you wear some sexy cologne? If you stopped, and now you just sit on the couch and fart… Not a panty-dropper.
Were you concerned with your appearance at one time? You trimmed any wild hairs, tucked your shirt in your pants, shaved? Does she now have to dodge your dangling nose hairs when she kisses you? Not a panty-dropper.
A woman does not have the sex drive a man does, which is just the way God designed them, for whatever reason. Perhaps because it’s nice to know who the Daddy is. For some women, sexual desire may be somewhat dormant, only to be reawakened by the loving gestures mentioned above. When you take away those loving little gestures, the desire goes dormant again. You have to keep putting a log on the fire to keep that flame burning.
I stopped wanting sex with my man for all of the reasons above, and then some. I am a woman who feels hornier than average, but my desire definitely went dormant for lack of attention. There came a point when my guy stopped holding my hand, stopped kissing me (aside from hello & goodbye, or kissing me back when I initiated it, but even then, there was no effort felt from it), started walking ahead of me when we went places, etc. He was unemployed, yet when I came home after a long day, I still had to cook. He was way too often negative (about not finding a job, about people he didn’t like, you name it) and, quite frankly, when a woman comes home tired, still has to cook and clean, and listen to her man bitch, and then at night he thinks you should be all hot to trot for him… Good luck with that!
Gentlemen, if you want to rekindle those feelings in your wife, take my advice. Trim your nose hair. Lose that paunch. LOOK at your wife. Put your hands on her – somewhere besides her ass or tits. Play with her hair. (That’s a BIG one!) Put your arms around her without making her feel you’re looking for a blow job. Smile!
These things will go a long way in getting her to desire you again.
If you are already doing everything I've outlined above, yet your wife is still not interested, then you two are simply mismatched sexually and there's not a whole lot you can do about it.
Explain to her that you feel unfulfilled in your relationship and you genuinely would like to know what it is that's hindering her own desire so that you can be the man of her dreams once again. See if she will attend counseling with you. If she still blows you off, perhaps it is time to admit defeat and move on.
Some excellently insightful posts. Some sh*t ones. Some a case of blind leading the blind and/or believing that just one thing lays at the root. Never. A plant doesn't just have one root. Why should we or our problem? This is a jigsaw picture comprised of lots of little pieces (and one larger, central, VITAL piece - read on...). And you can't teach or preach about tennis unless you yourself have ever been a grand-slam winner. GRAND-slam. Consistently. Sustainedly. And that's DOUBLES, not Singles. The proof of a superb team, all things allowing, is in the ultimate team pudding (sex life).
(By the way: Round of applause for all the gals (especially Naomi)! And a round for the fellas who'd never self-harm through A N Other (wife) in the form of adulterating. And a boo-hiss for the tw*ts whom I'm surprised could even get a relationship in the first place!)
There needs to be a summarizing as well as a gaps-filling, though. So in no particular order (like jigsaw building) and excluding any underlying medical problems as yet undiagnosed...
1. The all-time, number 1 libido blocker, folks: RESENTMENT! (But did I say you personally have to be the cause? However, that doesn't exclude you as compounder.) ...Layer upon layer upon layer. Vaginal cement.
Address it. With solvent. Solve..(ent). Do your bloody relationship duty.
2a. The mental and the physical are *not* separate entities, they are marital partners. Libidos are powered by the physical AND the mental. Women are hampered to begin with, from all angles. Their libidos get turbo boosted by sex-with-a-point (to produce kids). Once that urge has been satisfied with success, it drops again - this being one of nature's ways to ensure little Johnny/Joanna doesn't ever wander outside the cave and get eaten by a tiger because mum and dad were too busy still shagging ...Until it peaks again roughly aged 35+...unless they still have demanding kids as are an additional, emotional drain (even when the little bugg-I mean darlings are asleep) = no fuel left over for the libido.
Furthermore, their oestrogen, testosterone and androgen levels their whole reproductive life, monthly go up and down, in or out of unison, like a ruddy yo-yo. Depending on other internal or external influences, some cycles are gentle peaks and troughs, some are something resembling an electrocardiogram visual. Catch them at the right moment if you can! If you want only an occasional, fleeting success, I mean. If not, read on...
2b. Did you know that libido energy and physical activity energy come from the same pot? Oh, professional athletes and their sponsors like everyone to *think* they're super-sexy uggers ("I, Mr Shag Nightly, wear Yves St Laurent", ...ker-ching, ker-ching-kerchingg!) but, ask any experienced coach, he who'll give them strict instructions NOT to shag just before a match/race/bout! And not because he's a killjoy.
Only child = physically and emotionally draining (play with me, play with me!). More than one child = physically and emotionally draining (muuum, he/she said...!). So in that way, kids f**k you up. And like anything, f**ked up repeated enough becomes a HABIT. Rut. Habits are hard to break. It takes (wait for it) ENERGY, including that available for libido. Catch 22. You can't get out of a Catch 22 if you yourself *are the host of* the Catch 22. You need a 3rd element. That's you, boys.
2c. Indeed - YOU try doing 2, 3, 4 full-time jobs (rat-race worker, 24/7 mother, housekeeper, nurse, cook, social secretary, part-time teacher, lover, friend, EMOTIONAL SPONGE...) as sap your petrol tank, and see how revvy YOU feel if you're not meanwhile getting constantly re-fuelled from some other quarter! If you, the husband, are clever and hard-working enough, you can be that extra pit-stop with the extra premium petrol.
So are you *really* helping? In *her* opinion rather than your own? Like an equal teammate, I mean? Er..willingly and happily for no immediate gain other than to make her happy because if she's unhappy, you're unhappy, I mean? If so, good - that's another of the total facets/jigsaw pieces ticked off. Read on...
3. Did you know that men are much, much, MUCH nicer to women whenever they're ovulating (because they can "SMELL" it)? And there was you guys thinking you at least got mechanical sex once per month only because of hungry ovaries demanding to be fed. Tsk. Cuh.
4. Internal switch in existence gets flicked by external finger = Light goes on. No internal switch? Finger as much as you like (scuse pun) - to no avail. No finger? Ditto. That simple, that complex. Because it has to always be - as with literally anything in life, considering Conscious We are the interface between our more genuine psyches (aka the internal universe) and the external universe (aka our environment), i.e. additionally have a relationship/marriage with our physical/tangible environment - this:
Internal switch meets external finger / external finger meets internal switch. Small switch? - bigger finger. Small finger? - bigger switch. Because not all 'relationship partners' can input equally at all times. Nothing results if one 'marriage partner' is missing unless Mr switch is huge enough or Mrs finger huge enough to compensate for the other's paucity, to take up the slack. That's how come one lifelong chain-smoker will get lung cancer whilst another won't. Lung cancer / turned horny / turned horny / lung cancer. Switch *plus* finger or no dice, no event.
5. Men are predominantly visual (me see bison, me hunt bison). Flash them a tit and, doy-oy-oyyyyng! Women predominantly AUDIAL (mummy, help, I'm sthtuck down der hole!!!). "Whispered Sweet Nothings" ringing any bells?
6a. Foreplay: For a woman, foreplay begins THE MINUTE YOU BOTH GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. Who among you men knew THAT one? Answer (I'll bet my house on it): NONE! I'll let you off that one, though, because neither do most women.
I call it ForeForeplay.
6b. Look after the pennies and the pounds take care of themselves: lots and lots of little things, over time. It took time for her to go OFF sex, right? So...Do you walk a mile down the road taking 15 mins and then expect the walk back up again to last only 30 seconds? Well do you?? Pff. Course you don't! You've got work to do, lads. UN-doing what was done. Maybe not entirely your doing/fault, but definitely your problem. Team: mi problemo es tu problemo. Back up the road you go. On foot again. Ain't no taxi rank around THIS town! And there are TWO roads: internal (switch jigsaw), external (finger jigsaw).
7. Feeling sexy: A woman HAS TO FANCY HERSELF before she'll let you fancy her and make that manifest through letting that fancying of her AFFECT her (her agreeing with you agreeing with her) so that you CAN make it manifest. That (jointly with the Tit For Tat looks for money/status trade-off) is how come you get gorgeous women paired with old, short, balding, pot-bellied men (in case you ever wondered). Or Woody Allen. :-p
She's not going to fancy herself if she's fixated on her 'bum/thighs/tummy/tits being too big/small, too droopy, too this/too that' and thus doesn't find *herself* danngg hot any more.
When you make 'I fancy you' noises and behaviours, you're just affirming her own opinion (finger meets switch = result; finger meets nothing/absent switch = no result). But you can still turn her off (a finger can turn OFF a lit light as much as turn on an unlit light, right?). Assuming she DOES still fancy herself - DID YOU REMEMBER THE FOREFOREPLAY? (Refer to Naomi's and Susie's posts.)
You're not buying *her* things, by the way. You're buying THE TEAM things. Su gym membershipio? - Tu gym membershipio! = Nosotros gym membershipio. True teammates have sexio. Mucho-MUCHO.
I should knowio. ))))
If you can't afford gym membership there's a far simpler solution. It's called sexy-but-tasteful/classy Babydoll (Boux Avenue, Ann Summers, et al). She'll go, you pay (you happily do it with mates and pizza, don't you?) It makes nakedness feel even more feminine, more special, *and* covers as many and much as you want of the "problem" bits the woman doesn't want to see through her own eyes and yours nor you to see through her eyes. Feeling sexy is about CONFIDENCE - in yourself. If she baulks at the ("non-feminist") idea, tell her this: "It's not for MY VISUAL tittillation. My tittilation comes from seeing YOU FEEL MORE CONFIDENT BECAUSE *YOU* FEEL SEXY AGAIN in it which infects ME. Please try it, if you believe I'm wrong or that it won't be for you, please at least *prove* me wrong." Let her try it on when you're out of the house, preferably on a non-sex night. Let her start with a mildly sexy one and work her way up once she's converted.
But, again, this is a MULTI-faceted approach...
8a. Need/Yearning: Women need security and take reassurance from you via the sex act just as much as you do from her. Too much security - bad. Too little security - bad. Just enough - GOOOOD. But it won't work if the signs the rest of the time (during Foreforeplay) basically say [Aussie accent, please], 'Dya want the lights on or off, Sheila?, uuuuuurp!'. Charmed, Ai'm sure, air! :-p
(Point 8b is obviously a twin-sister point.)
8b. Familiarity breeds contempt / Absence makes the heart grow fonder: I repeat: you can be too close, too familiar - bad. Women feel downright *SILLY* trying to be dirty, sexy biczes with their own quasi-brother (and especially their quasi-secretly extra kid). It just feels WRONG (ugh, ew, no, ick, cringe, incest!). Capiche? Mini Separations are a GOD-SEND. I repeat: GOD-SEND!
Alienation just back to where you're no longer brother-sister works BLOODY WONDERS!! I should know: my French husband has to go regularly on custody visits to France, 10-15 days at a time and a whole month each summer. *Aside* from the helpful fact he's an all-round diamond including the most verbally and physically and altruistic/self-sacrificial-act-demonstratingly loving, affectionate and sexy man I've ever experienced (and as an ex-super-slut, I've experience A LOT!) - he and I couldn't get over-close (beyond our particular extremes of levels, I mean) if we tried!! Hence we shag like demented bunnies. All the time. Even having just vomited 10 minutes beforehand or just had a hernia operation the day before. Pair of sluts! And yet I'm in menopause so should be more interested in a cup of tea. So why aren't I? I repeat for a third time: Mini-separation is a godsend! ...in tandem with all of the above and below, of course.
Or (ref Susie's advice) try MENTAL separation. From your normal worlds and it's drudgery and sh*t to where you are no longer you and she is no longer she. Get back into the Honeymoon bubble. Kids in super-safe hands...NOTHING playing on her mind. Weekend*Z* away, plural. Primer, basecoat, topcoat. No quick fixes or apps here, lads, soz abt dat [scuse satirical irony].
I only wanted to shag my 16-yr ex-husband..-sorry, ex-quasi difficult kid stroke brother thingy, about once per month. Moi? Little Miss Slutty Slut-Slut from Slutville?? "WTF?!" Ditto my French slutty-slut-slut soulmate with his ex wife-sister-kid-thingy. So INCLUDING the fact all the other boxes are simultaneously always ticked, I'm surprised we even manage to get anything else done!
HOW COME? What are we? Blessed? Supernatural? Special cases? Just somehow luckier than you lot? Pff. Grow up/get real! We *do* special and thereby *reap* special. That simple, that complex (jigsaw comprising lots of little bitty pieces all placed properly and maintained in place).
Maintaining a high standarded romance is hard. ucking. work. But who cares when humans adapt and get used to anything? And why wouldn't it be considering we don't just have sex. Oh, no. We have 'oh-my-god-there-is-a-god-and-wait-up-can-you-actually-DIE-from-sex-that's-too-good-YIKES-but-actually-sod-it-who-cares-it's-worth-it-don't-you-dare-stop-now!' sex. Our "quickies" last 2-4 hours.
I'm not bragging. What do *I* care if you know this or believe this, or not? I'm passing on...motivating.
Hard workers get huge wages. That simple.
Holistic beings...Holistic problem...Holistic solution. Do ALL of it! Locate and re-insert every single missing jigsaw piece!
15 minute walk down the road = 15 minutes back again (or 20-25 since you're already starting back knackered). Stop being so flippin' impatient, expecting instant results all the time or results for unilateral effort!
Do it or don't BS me about how much you love sex and miss it or would want mind-f**k sex that makes your past Honeymoon sex look positively so-so if only you knew how. Because I and all the other gals have just told you. So now you have no excuses. Not even about not feeling like it BECAUSE it's been so long now. If you fake a smile/smile by rote, you start to feel happier, psych fact. If likewise you do happy-making things by rote, you start to feel happier, fact. And happy (and healthy) people are horny people. So fake it/do it by rote until it becomes you (and her). It will. Fact.
Incentive: Women are the keepers of the sacred room and either you find the doorkeyZUH and then use the keyZUH properly, with care and respect, or YOU AIN'T COMIN' IN. Sorry about that. But we got period pain, ovulation pain, PMT, childbirth screaming agony, mothering pain on-call 24/7 ...and you lot as partners. So, go cry us a river. ;-p Or as Naomi pointed out: go back to square one with merely another face to harm YOURSELF via and deny yourself via, only to find yourself here all over again in another 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Your choice.
But first admit THIS: Mental Laziness is next to Self-convinced Cluelessness (and not just in an Irish dictionary). And if most of you want proof of your mental laziness, your 'and fries and a milkshake on the side, please' attitudes and ideas for approaches that aren't working-can't work, then take a look at where you are. A forum. To find a MacAnswer to an Egon Ronay "Petit Degustation" Problem. A FORUM. And you didn't KNOW it happened to be a top notch one featuring grand-slam players at the point when you googled for one, did you!! So don't start making excuses. Admit it speaks volumes about why you aren't getting nookied.
Lastly but not leastly: if all of the above - done repeatedly (the full mile back again on both levels)! - doesn't work, then and only then is it a case of, you're with the wrong partner (which fact has now finally surfaced and come to a head), berbom - either psychologically or physically/sexually or whatever degree of both (switch/finger) or that YOU are the wrong partner - for anyone (and need to work on yourself).
That one was the final jigsaw piece. If you don't have that piece, the central piece, you ain't got a picture, only an incomplete one (equals not a picture) featuring a huge gap...... called your ex or ever-dwindling sex life.
And you don't need to flap your lips around-blah-blah-blah, either. Or else explain successful deaf-mute marriages before signing and lipreading were invented (gotcha!).
Yes, TAKE control, oh superior gendered beings, keepers of the sacred dangly. But along with control aka power comes RESPONSIBILITY. Another 'marriage', look. You have to be a GOOD boss, a FAIR boss, a GENEROUS boss, an UNDERSTANDING boss, a boss to be admired (phwoar!) and respected (yes!...yes-yes-YES-oh-YYYESSSS!!!).
Excuses-excuses, feigned ignorance-igschnorance, Mac this, Mac that, textie-textie me want bunny wabbits on my bib now-now-NOW! God only knows what you use your intelligence quotients on. Cos it ain't been going on your love-lifes, now, has it.
I mean, REALLY, peeps! Was this all rocket science? Was it??
Do it. Or forever hold your piece.
PS: "What can I do to make you want sex with me again?" WRONG! This: "What can I do to make you happier with me again?"
(Lecture now over, LOL)
(And do yourself a favour by leaving this thread openly displayed on your monitor whilst you pop to the loo. )
Secondly, when that is taken care of, you can think of the sparkle between you 2 and you probably know her well enough to know what makes her tick (full trust in your feelings/ a bit of guessing/ being ignored a little/being pampered... whatever).
If a marriage is a partnership especially in the courts eyes then the same effort should be put forth by all. This idea of the guy should have to go down a checklist of forty things to make sure she's been completely taken care of for every want and need is ludicrous. For me and many of my friends it's turned to a situation of contribute and be part of a relationship and be a mature adult or move on.
On more than one occasion my wife has asked to help me with some task and after she's tried it she's commented it's harder than giving birth. I then took over for her and finished the work.
My point is this; I love my wife and family and have done anything that's been needed for my family. More people need to hear and see that all men are not married to a woman who does everything all the time and just need some time to relax. This is a very common situation that is affecting many peoples' relationships. My effort here wasn't to show a one sided toot my horn type of thing, but many responses to men are that they need to do more. If their "do more" is already way more than it should be then there is a problem.
I'll bet more men have found themselves in this type of relationship. I hear it first hand from a lot of men so it isn't isolated.
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?