Procrastination and bad choices - need advice!
Who we are: We are eastern europeans, heterosexual couple,she is 35 and Im 38. We have been together for 6 years, and met each other in EU. Location: UK, (England). Not in London.
Immigration status: She has EU citizenship and I have dual citizenship. She has lived 11 years in UK and I have done six and half.
We have humanitarian degrees. (non UK). We have not been able to get a job using those. id say they re worthless here. We have not been able to find job in our homee countries as well hence came to UK.
Job experience in UK: she has been a carer (mostly for elderly) all the time. She likes the job but has been getting more weary of it especially since she got depression. Basically she drudges on some days are ok some are not.
I have been in not qualified factory jobs, on and off. Had a moderate alcohol problem but it is under control now. I havent had a job since my arthritis flared up but I have been out of work even before.
Medical history: She has depression officially. Antidepressants and therapy helped so far. I have bought books for tackling depression, downloaded an app and also share to her things from online sources on how to overcome depression. We have seen some progress with my therapy. Although fundamentally I believe the change of the situation will help her (especially a baby).
I am flared with ankylosing arthritis, been diagnosed late, have been to dozen of doctors in UK and two ot
her countries, private and NHS.
Im finally diagnosed correctly and getting a treatment. I find myself not capable for physical job at the moment (had to stop sports too) but can go on short walks most of the days. I used to do all the domestic home duties but had to scale back to doing only a part of them because of the stronger onset of arthritis. Longterm after treatment physical jobs are not recommended at least so i understand. Id not be able to do office job at the moment either as one of the symptoms is very strong fatigue and bouts of strong insomnia from painkillers. I am informed that when arthritis will rebound I will be able to work and will feel much better until it comes back again. How i feel? Like i never felt before and like I imagined 70-80 year old people feel. My 86 old grandmother walks better.
Benefits: around £150 monthly as her tax credits (when i do not work then she gets this amount).
Housing: We have rented privately always. double beds, 1 bedroom, and now in a studio. We can afford 1 bedroom maximum.
The reason I came to you for advice:
I think we came into a wrong direction and I blame myself mostly. I want to remedy the situation and have read that asking advice can be part of the solution so I am here.
We have been exceedingly worrying. Things that stops me worrying is trying to do something and I know there is a solution I only need to counsel and think, also trying to cheer up and do a favor makes me feel better too.
We also tackle these worries with positive thinking, and calming techniques. But the core of the problem stays on.
Our pain points:
We want to have a child in a very near future. I am even staying away from some important arthritis medication that can affect the fertility and doing other less effective pills instead.
We want eventually to be able to move into our own accomodation. Not necessarily in UK but rather even somewhere else eventually as my wife wants to live somewhere else. we both do not want to live all our lives in UK, however need be we can live in UK forawhile if that will help the financial situation. We are not desperate to leave UK although we feel somewhat homesick so in the end of the day we see ourselves living in a house with children somewhere in eastern EU likely or outside. So in UK we are ok to rent but i dont see how we can rent proivately and have a child and we are sickly. Basically i do not whine and I have an optimistic outlook but i need some legit expertise advice here. While im sick and mostly lying in bed i have listened to a lot of business books and anti depression books we listen together)
We are not satisfied with our home income which is low. I am off work as Im tackling my acute arthritis. I figured out even I cannot work physically (pretty sick some days) I had to do something.
I am in a tech startup team that has not got seed funding yet. Im working remotely without remuneration to connect that eastern european startup in UK . I have found some partners for them etc, and visited some conferences in London and further afield and met some interesting people in tech industry (IT). It was hard to do so as normally i would venture out medicated and quite fried up without sleep. However, It is all hopes and i am not getting paid.
I have understood that going into university to get student loan and live off of it so my wife can have a child and I can get UK degree may be a solution? That notion I entertain at the moment and already been to the uni to ask questions. Unfortunately, I am not into STEM subjects much as my grades in math, chemistry, physics, geometry etc have always been low.
I am worried how to support my wife when she is officially depressed and will have a child.
I am worried that I have been falling into depression myself when the arthritis made me feel bad physically but at the same time my motivation and urge to provide is maxed.
I need to find answers for our problems, an optimised solution. Two heads are better than one but we have been unable to progress, so we need to tap into collective wisdom.
As for the work- she works professionally caring for the elderly. She is very good at organisizing things and been of much help. Her preferred job is organising things (documents for example) with seeing minimum of people. She is one of the most organised persons I have met.
I am ok to work with people and actually working manually with things alone makes me miserable. However I can (and have been) long periods of time on my own with venturing out to conferences and events now and then with loads of socialising.
I dont see myself doing a physical job in the future and it is not recommended by the doctors athough i do miss sometimes the industrial job setting and appreciate the caramaderie and good times, i know it is not my cup of tea and as we age this will be harder to do.
When I was sick I tended to forums to find out what to do, and in one year i learnt on my own enough to be able to join a startup (as non tech associate) however this doesnt pay. I also earned about 15k pounds however this was due to some cryptocurrency gains and more like a one off. So I am inklined to strive but i need a direction.
Of course I found out exactly what professions are in short supply and will get premium salary and are not manual roles. Like certain IT roles that pay very well and are highly employable but I am not smart enough i guess for those.
Ideally i need something that will support my family, with working in UK or eventually outside UK, remotely or office. Ideally remotely because where my wife would want to live family houses cost south of 50k. Thats why i figured out we both need UK degrees because UK education is valued in EU and outside.
Will going into full time education help? my wife suggested it years ago but i brushed it away because i was working in a factory.
What else can help? Any wisdom? They say telling the story is part of the answer and most people answer their own questions themselves in doing so but generally i still believe i do need a piece of advice.
Any positive input much appreciated.
First of all, don’t get pregnant. Both you and your wife are not in s good place to bring another person into your lives. Consider a dog or cat if you want a fun distraction, but not a child.
Yes, going back to university may help with job prospects, but get career counseling first. Don’t go into firlds where you are not string in subject matter.
Also, moving to a warmer, drier climate might help.