I’m in need of some advice with regards to an ex Boyfriend... I don’t know where to start, but il give it ago. Hope you’re ready for a read. Il try and add as much detail as possible and apologies about the grammar in advance.
I have been with my current partner now for over 5 years, we love each other very much. We work really well together as we have built two very successful businesses with each other. When we got together I feel like the first two years it was just company- no feelings but after the second year we become more custom and content together. Now we are the happiest we have ever been. We love each other’s family’s. We are very similar and we enjoy being together as much as we can. We will call him S.
Before I met S I was single for a few years as I was going through a big break up and I didn’t think it was fair to involve someone when my head and heart wasn’t in the right place. Through out this time I met many men and had a great time as I’ve always liked having someone around.
My Ex: (we will call him X)
Just over 10 years ago I was seeing a guy I had met online and it was only a small bit of fun, meet up after college, go for drives and so on. After a month or so we soon started meeting each other’s friends. That’s when X came along. He was the best friend to the guy I was seeing!! They have been best friends for years... like brothers. We met at a concert and we soon hit it off. Something happened when we looked at each other. My heart would skip a beat. He would look at me and my stomach would flip! There was this connection that I have NEVER experienced, even to this day. It was real!! At the end of the day I made an excuse to run back and give him something and out of site of his friend... he kissed me. This kiss was the start! We exchanged email address and spoke online.
After chatting for a while we realised that we wanted to meet. We both felt this excitement talking to each other. The only problem is was I was still seeing his friend, he really was into me which I found out later on but he knew I wasn’t. A week or so after me and X met and we hit it off, we chatted and hung out and we made love, which was indescribable. We then made the decision to tell his friend. We both felt terrible but we knew it was worth it. He told his best friend. He was shocked and upset. He couldn’t believe what he had done. They then fell out
. I wasn’t comfortable with this but I knew this guy was no ordinary guy in my eyes. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
Soon after we became official and we started forming our lives together. We went on many holidays and trips. We spent Christmas days with each other’s family. It was honestly - unbelievable. We both were smitten with each other, we would get tears in each other’s eyes when we would have to leave each other again for the week. Our sex was never an issue and we defiantly never had a problem in that department.
My X and I lived very different lives before. I was a girl that lived in a busy town, would commute to London to see friends on a week day evening and have a large group of friends all over the place. I loved guys, maybe a little too much but I had fun! I had/have parents that are happy with good jobs and happily married.
My X lived in a small village in the south and very small group of friends and not much going on. He had only been with one girl before me. He lived with his mum as his dad left them both when he was 2 years old. So he has never really had a father figure.
This is where the trouble started.
At the beginning of our 3rd year together he started to text girls from work, It was nothing serious but I became very jealous from this and didn’t like it (I think my contraception didn’t help as I was trying to find the right one for me) He then did petty things after which I soon forgave him, but I was becoming a person that I wasn’t. I booked for us to go away and try and recoup this small mess. It was the best holiday we’ve had. We both felt like we had just met again, it was just what we needed. Just us two, no one else! When we got back his mum had to tell us something- she was gay! I could see that this was a major shock to him and he was disappointed. I think he was waiting for so long for his mum to bring a man into the house that he knew he wasn’t getting that. For the weeks later, this really changed him! He was no way the same person I met. He became angry and upset. He suggested that we moved in together. I thought why not, I was earning a good wage and so was he, it was maybe our time to start. Three months later we moved in to a beautiful cottage but he still hadn’t changed. We argued a lot more and we had started to have sex a lot less. Sex was always our glue. We would always grab each other and make love after an argument. He was angry, I didn’t know what I could do. It was our first week living together and I thought I’d buy us some new bedding and bedroom stuff. I spent £450 on my well earnt money to make it look lovely. I brought a white bed spread with some gorgeous new pillows and cushions, feather duvet so on. When he came home he flipped, he tore the pillows and said he hated the purple. Where was the guy I used to know? I could tell he was soooo upset inside and I couldn’t do anything about it. I said I’m going to go back to my parents for a few nights so he can have some space and think.
Few days later I tried to call him, he picked up after the 8th time I tried and he was crying. I asked him what the matter was, while on my laptop frantically trying to book the next train. He told me that he went out to town on the night I left and brought a girl back to OUR NEW house! In MY new bed! I was speechless. Devastated. I soon was sick! That was the moment when my heart burst in to 1000 pieces. My love, my world my everything had slept with someone in our new house, he betrayed me. I told him I didn’t want to see him again and we stopped talking and I moved out.
7 weeks later he turned up outside my door (at my parents) and refused to leave. He shouted that he was sorry and the whole street heard him. He would not budge. I had to have him back. I had lost a dramatic amount of weight, I physically could not stop crying. I loved him. I didn’t care what he had done. Soon as I saw him we couldn’t let each other go. I suggested that we go for a drink to discuss our future. I had missed him so much. I had him back!
While we were having a drink he gets a phone call- he ignores it. The phone rings again - he ignored it! The phone rings again for the third time, I told him to answer it, he told me it was the girl he slept with and that he hadn’t spoken to her since the week he slept with her. I told him to answer it and tell her to leave you alone or I will! He walked off to talk to her, I saw him walking around in circles in the car park through the window. All of a sudden, he has dropped to his knees with his hands over his face. His shoulders started to bounce. I couldn’t see what was going on. He came in and grabbed me in tears. I asked him what was wrong and he wouldn’t let go so I asked him firmly ‘what was wrong?!’ He then told me that she was pregnant and she was keeping it!! My world had gone again. His dream is to be a dad. After the dealings with his father he always swore he would be the best dad possible. I was meant to have his child, not this girl that had just turned 18!! Why?!
We spoke it through and decided to split. I told him that I would never be in his life again. He texted me a month later telling me that they were now a couple.
Killed me! I got diagnosed with depression and went to a really dark place. Year later his child comes along. I found this all out through my friends social media as I would look on hers as we thought it was was best to delete and block each other so we’re not tempted. Then the next part, ‘X is now engaged!’. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore but it somehow did!!
Few months later I receive a text from an unknown number. It was him asking if we could meet. My stomach flipped again and after a long thought, I agreed. We met and again we just held each other. We reminisced about old times, we laughed and cried. He was still engaged but that didn’t effect me. I saw it as she took him from me so his mine. We had made love, twice that evening. It started as we kissed as we said goodbye. We both felt this feeling again, love and lust! He told me he doesn’t feel this with her. We then realised what we was doing and that we should stop.
Year later it happens again but after this time I didn’t feel that love, I felt as if that my love had gone as I knew he was marrying her in three weeks. I went in our old house and it still had our furniture that we chose but with pictures of them and their child. I felt that final feeling, I now don’t belong here.
She found out that we had been texting and meeting so it all became too much. He had to change his number again but the thing is, he had the power over both of us. He knew my number off by heart. Even 10 years later.
8 months on I found out that he had another child on the way so I knew that was that. That’s when I decided I needed to move on rather than think of him every night and trying to make my self better by getting with men that I knew he would hate. I then met S and it all calmed down.
While being with S (over 5 years now), we have never met or been inappropriate just he would occasionally text from time to time to touch base. Say Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas. We have always said we will be there for each other what ever happens.
He texted me one day saying that he missed me. I missed him but I was happy with someone else. I texted him back, his wife saw my message back, she flipped- calling me, texting me, messaging me on social media via her mums social media. It got way out of hand. It then stopped for over a year. I knew that was it. He told me that I couldn’t be in his life and that he needed to put his family first, which is what I told him all along. I knew he meant it because I didn’t receive no birthday or Christmas text.
I must admit I hated it but also liked it as it gave me a chance to concentrate on S.
Few weeks ago:
I receive a message from an unknown number. It was him!!! Aghhh I just started to stop thinking of him everyday. He told me that him and his wife had filed for a divorce and they was only carrying on for the kids but realised they were both unhappy. I obviously knew this all along but give him credit, he did stick it out. Apparently this happened around 6 months ago. He now lives on his own with a very successful job and also becoming a fireman. He wanted to tell me sooner but didn’t think it was a good idea. He tells me that it was never love like we had and he was sorry about everything. He loves he kids and would not change them for anything but knows it all was a mistake. He is happy I’m happy. His not bugging me in anyway and is being respectful to me.
I can’t help but get excited again. I know I shouldn’t but this feeling now has been going on for over 10 years, I haven’t seen him in over 5 years.
I don’t know what to do.
His asked to meet for a coffee but I honestly am torn. I know it would break S if I met him as he could see how much he broke my heart. But I want to see him!
Maybe we could be friends? I need help as I can’t talk to anyone about it as all my friends are close to S and we are one big group.
I don’t want to hurt anyone or my self again.
I honestly don’t think I would be able to trust him if we was to get back together and I know it won’t be the same as it was before. Also I’ve always made it clear to S that I don’t want marriage. I dreamed of it ten years ago but not it scares the life out of me, but maybe it’s because I feel my heart belongs to someone else.... X!
Help me please!
Thanks for your time and I look forward to reading your comments.
You should breakup with your current guy, but only because you really aren’t fully committed to him, now or in the future. That’s not fair to him. Do that now.
This “flash from the past” is using you as a rebound. But if you really want to test him out, tell him to call you when he settles down, in about two months.
With you being without your current BF for that same two month timeframe, you might know how you really feel, too.
SUSIEDQQ is giving you extremely good advice. I recommend you take it, and move on.