I dont think I can push aside my jealousy
So I'm in a relationship with an amazing women. Over the past week, she had been what I noticed was distant. Some being the worry wort I head up to see her. When I got there anxiety hit me. She doesn't rush up to hug me or stand up to hug me like she usually does. later in the evening, I told her that I already suspect something. she looked at me and the look in her eyes broke my heart. She caught me off guard and said that I was the one that looked like that I was going to cry. I don't know what happened but I broke down in front of her. mind you I am a guy that pushes everything down. I told her that I wanted answers. She paused and finally told me that she had another boyfriend. This felt like a punch in my stomach. I felt like someone had shot me and pulled my heart from my chest. I thought yep this is it. I've been replaced. then she asked me. "how do you feel about a poly relationship?" I look at her and I say to her"you already found someone else why do you want to be with us both." she wrapped her arms around my arm and said that she loved us both equally. I didn't say anything for a moment. I told her I'm afraid that she would love the other person more. She grabbed my face and pulled me to look directly into her eyes. she said My love for you will never fade and she kissed me more passionate than shes ever kissed me. I don't know why I feel so betrayed. she told me that she was distant cause she did not know how to tell me because well I'm the jealous type. I sat there for a moment and I agreed to this. she then held me and asked if I wanted to meet the other person. this.....this just made me angry. I said to her sure. as she was setting her computer up I told her I was going to get something from my car and so I head to the car and I shut the door the darkness made easy for not anyone to notice me punching the steering wheel and crying even more. as I write this I hold back tears. I let all my frustration out and I compose my self. I go back in and she's in the video chat with the other guy. I sit down and Hold in the anger swelling up. I say nothing as I see her so............happy talking to him. I sit there overthinking is this why she wants to be someone else am I not good enough? I sit there and I reach my limit. I get my jacket, my backpack, and my shoes on. she notices and asked why? I say nothing and she tells the other guy that she has to go. she tells me to sit down and I get hesitant. she looks at me firmly and I give in like a dog. she asks why I'm packing up. I sit there for a moment. "I have to let you go and be happy. I don't want to see you of all people unhappy. if this guy is going to make you happy than be with him". of course my tears come out all at once. she tells me firmly you aren't going anywhere. I sit there as I get ready to get up. she then holds me and said if this is bothering you I need to know I can be friends with this other guy and be with you. I overthink this and I think a few months down the road we'll break up anyway and I don't want that. I think and so I agree. I stayed the night because she didn't want me to leave and drive in the dark through the canyon. I lay down beside her and I think the whole night where did I go wrong? in her past relationships, she was monogamous. why is that now she's with me she suddenly wants to be poly. I leave the next day still overthinking and heartbroken. we've been messaging each other still and when she doesn't reply within the 30 min I overthink and I think she's probably talking to the other guy. I don't know if I should end it or should I give it try just for the experience? I'm still at a loss. she texted me after I got home we were snap-chatting and I can tell she had been crying and she told me she is scared to hurt me and feels bad to have me find out the way I did. I resoond and tell her that I'm fine with it. but this is the hardest thing for me to accept fully.
Either you accept what is, or move on. It's clear she's not into a monogamous relationship. So if that's what you want, you need to end it with her. If you can't truly accept sharing her affection, then you meed to end it. If you are too scared to move on, you'll continue to be scared and miserable in the situation you're in anyway. If you don't believe you can give her up and move on, then you're going to stay until you resent her so much you can't stay.
So your options are;
1) end it
2) stay and genuinely accept sharing her, without resenting her
3) stay until your so miserable you can't stand it anymore
Just remember that your needs and wants matter. It's not wrong of you to want monogamy, and it's not wrong of her to be honest about her polyamory. What's wrong is expecting a partner to compromise their needs to stay with someone they shouldn't be with in the first place. Neither of you should ask or expect the other to compromise on something as crucial as level of commitment. Try spending some time on your own. Better yet, travel by yourself if you can. Reconnect with yourself without all the background noise. That strategy has always worked for me when I'm having trouble making a decision that involves my heart.
Hey Tiedie, well that's a tough situation.
I am not sure what I would do if I were in your shoes. Finding a relationship is really difficult, and finding a perfect relationship is near-impossible. But there are nearly 4 billion women in the world, and it may be possible for you to eventually find that dream relationship you envision one day. This is what I keep telling myself.
Ultimately it comes down to how important this particular woman is to you, and if you are able to at least try out this lifestyle with her. I would find out if she is comfortable with you dating other women as well - if she says no, she is probably selfish.
What is she like? How old are the two of you? I just want to get a sense of her maturity level.
If you end up breaking up, realize that a lot of people in the world are single and can relate to the situation. It is better to be single than to be with the wrong person.
Wow - she’s set this up to be the best thing —- for HER!
Sounds like you are in a LD relationship. That’s difficult to do, so she’s filling in the “gaps” with another guy who she admits, is your equal. (Only he’s around in the same city??)
It sounds like that’s not acceptable to you. So let her know and put the ball in her court. You have certain standards and if she cannot keep them, you are going to date others and she can “share” you with them.
Then go and start dating . Really, it’s the only fair thing to do, isn’t it?
We live 2 hours apart from each other. I visit her every weekend and she used to come down here as well. the other guy doesn't drive and lives like an hour away. I talked to her this past weekend and told her the way she went about it wasn't fair to me. I know poly is 100 percent consent. she is 20 and I am 24. she is in this relationship to help fill her kink. I don't know anything about this subject shes into and the other guy is providing this to her. I told her she needed to communicate this problem and we could've fixed it instead of cheating. of course she says I just don't think you understand that you could love more than one person. I then told her I would if you didn't treat me like such a stranger. the whole situation is complex.
Hi again Tiedie,
Well aha! There you go. This woman just sounds like an immature youngster. I don't think she really wants something serious.
For some reason there are people who get it into their heads that they need to be with someone experienced at something in order to enjoy it. They don't stop to think that they're not experienced either, and that anyone can learn. Unless she needs some physical trait or personality in the partner that fills the role, that is more likely the thing.
You can meet other people. You're young, you have options. I think sometimes we worry too much about if we fit other peoples' demands, that we don't think enough about whether they meet our own.