Are there more like me? Mother died young, never got along with father's gf
When I was 2, my mother died. Liver cancer. I was the oldest, with one baby brother who died shortly after being born. My father and I were together for some time after that, but when I was four, he got a new girlfriend. And it did not go well.
In short, she didn't want me around. I never knew why, but I suspect she wanted my father all to herself. It led to a lot of arguments between them. My father even kicked her out when I was six or so, but after a while they got back together. And they still are (I'm 35 now).
What's worse is that this gf is very dominant, while my father doesn't have a very strong spine. As a result, I spent most of my youth in my own room. I was welcome for meals, but afterwards I was expected to go upstairs. I didn't speak to my father much, because she didn't want it. Kids were rarely welcome to play and I grew to be an introverted odd guy. I didn't really have any friends till I was 15 or so, although it's been much better since.
We sort of found a way to make it work, given circumstances. We tried, anyway. But after I moved out, we kinda... stopped trying. I think I've spoken to her twice in the last eight years or so and those weren't exactly friendly moments. I remember one of them vividly: I had asked my father for help, which he agreed to. When I later tried to call my father, she picked up the phone and refused to hand it over to whoever I was trying to call (might've been a half-sibling). Instead, she angrily told me I shouldn't eat up my fathers time. I only see they guy once or twice a year, I ask his help with stuff less than once a year, but still she got mad.
We rarely visit each other too. I haven't been at my old home in about seven or eight years and he has to put up a fight every time he wants to come here, which he often avoids. We occasionally meet up at my grandma's, who is happy to have us, but who won't be in this world forever; she's already very old.
That... was probably more info than needed. Anyway... are there more people with similar experiences: a mother who died early and a bad situation with a new 'mother'?
I've never had a parent die, and my parents are still together. They've always been good to me and I stay in touch with them at least weekly.
But I will say that I can't always talk to my parents, since they're stubborn people. I have always wanted space and privacy in my life, but somehow always feel dependant on others for something, and unsuccessful.
I also haven't managed to make too many really close friends over the years. I really only have one or two friends that want to spend time together occasionally. Most other people I knew have families or partners and never want to hang out. Most acquaintances I knew gravitated more towards each other but kind of away from me. But it is what it is.
I think it's important not to let all of that stuff define you, even if it did have a major impact on who you are. You're your own person now, and can strive to live a better life.
I’m sorry that your dad did not stand up to this lady all those years. . He seems very non-assertive about things, just when he needs to be. He continues this role even today.
Learned helplessness, I’d call it.
She seems to have an abrasive personality, too. Probably resentful of you, who was a memory of someone he once loved. She’s pitiful.
So continue with your visits at grandma’s. That seems to work out best for everyone.
In the meantime get your “mama nurturing “ ( we never outgrow the need) from other relatives, at church or volunteering for groups that deal with elderly people. There are many people who would love to have a daughter figure in their life.
Very dominant...he was down (still grieving) when he met her...he kicked her out yet strangely failed to keep her kicked out... she gaslighted you (speaking on the phone that time as if on behalf of your dad when it was his-and-only-his right to say any such thing IF that's how he felt - which clearly he doesn't because he meets you clandestinely) - right. And other clues. Got it.
"They may work to remove our children from the equation – especially older children who could influence us away from the sociopath."
There's your answer, I suspect. Let me know.