Feel like quitting...
Hi, I am a 21 year old girl. I was physically and mentally abused for 19 years of my life. Maybe because I was a annoying, loser kid.
I had a lot of anger at my abusive parents. I agree they have helped me financially, paying for my education and I thank them for that (and the continuous taunts they provide me with, regarding the money they wasted). I did my mistakes too, getting average/less marks in my tests, hiding/lying about them, not living up to their expectations and showing my utmost resistance (which they called tantrums).
My dad (whom I have never called anything synonymous to 'father'
used to respond to this behaviour by insulting me, beating the s**t out of me, slapping me, pulling my hair, throwing me on any surface, horizontal or vertical, hard or soft, and kicking me out of the house for long periods. My mom's behaviour used to vary, ranging from joining my dad in beating me, or beating me herself, or laughing at beaten me, or standing and staring at beaten me. Both hate me. I do too.
My brother, the intelligent son, is cherished by his mom. Dad, though, is a little strict, negligibly lays a hand on his son. He too takes his personal pleasure in laughing at me, and making fun of my failures. My brother hates both of them, that little discipline is also a lot for him. But, he is a cunning little fella, has kept diplomatic relations with dad, mom and me, just in case he needs anyone of us for opportunity. Though my brother likes me teaching him, both the parents disallow it. In fact, we are not even allowed to talk to each other, just in case I try to turn him into a failure like I am.
I have not achieved much in my life during schooling. As I said, I was an average. Also, my parents used to decide my haircut (which is almost always a boycut, against my wishes), whether or not I will be waxed, whether or not I will wear clothes of my choice. I discovered that I needed spectacles at age 13 and told them. They denied. After years of begging and a semester of terrible marks, they got me spectacles at age 17. I have never ever gone to any classmates or friends parties, outings or sleepovers.
So yeah, I was a introverted shy kid in school with negligible friends and social life. Girls with cool clothes, hairstyles and life used to make fun of me, laugh at me. I hated myself, my life. Never shared anything with anyone, mostly because I didn't have anyone. I always felt lonely and depressed. I wished I was dead. I wanted to commit suicide, to jump off a building. But I was scared. What if I don't die and my parents get to know this? What if I become paralysed or something? I used to pray when I was a kid, but when I saw no change in my life, I started believing maybe God doesn't exist or if he does, he doesn't care at all. I stopped praying and believing in God.
The worst time of my life came at age 17 and 18, when I took up engineering studies. It was really tough and I was buried under the expectations of parents, teachers, myself. I got terrible marks and was not really able to cope. I was then gifted with awful amount of insults and violence. I blamed myself for all of it. One night, I had almost thought of hanging myself. Don't know why I didn't do it. Maybe because deep down, I didn't want to end my life without seeing the light of days. I wanted my life to end on a happy note.
The final exams started, and this time, papers were set as the toughest in 10 years. My final exams turned out to be worse than I expected and I got really average final marks. Somehow got into a okayish college, away from my house.
Got a tad bit hope when I joined college. Started working on my aim: trying to get a job ASAP and make a lot of money. As I started college, I found its no different than school. I could make friends easily, but, I barely retain them. Either I would distance myself from them (because I used to think they hate me), or they would (maybe because I was very protective about them, not giving them their space). Somehow I made 2-3 real friends, whom I told my story. They try their best to extend their support for me. And for once, I was glad I got people who care.
Soon, I got a 6-month internship in a company. As I started working my best, my co-employees did like me. My boss also seems fine, but soon, within 2 weeks or so, to my horror, it turns out, he is very similar to my dad. A sadistic fellow. He happily mock me, insult me with a sweet smile on his face. Apparently, he does this to all working under him. I was devastated. In the span of 1st four months, I was so tired and frustrated, I wanted to leave my internship midway. My friends gave me support and hope which kept me going. The first project I worked under, with another employee, it was a major success. But, I was sad, all employees, including my boss, got an excellence certificate for it, except me. My boss just said, 'sorry, I know you worked hard' and left. And insulted me again, in my next project.
I somehow managed to complete my internship ended. After the internship, I got really depressed. I lost interest in studies. Whatever I do, I can never do anything good, or impress anyone. Wherever I go, I will always have to deal the worst people.
Now, as I am unable to get a good job, my parents' taunting down my neck, my brother's insults, my hopelessness has reached a limit. I cant deal with this. I seriously cant. I feel like ultimately quitting.
Well, you've impressed the UCK out of me!?
I mean it!
Just one heads-up: At 21, shouldn't you be referring to yourself as a woman? Or was the abuse so bad that it shaved that many years off your natural rate of development or your self-awareness of your development, meaning, you still see yourself as a girl and have yet to catch up to yourself?
Was that a Freudian or a "cultural-ism"?
Let's re-set your dials, shall we, before other posters dive in to offer their own assistance?
1. Just because one or a unified couple of human beings repeatedly call you, or even just behaviourally repeatedly 'call' you an annoying loser, doesn't make it a fact.
You are NOT, "FACT", an annoying loser. That is a fact.
So the fact is: you are not an annoying loser. So the more precise fact is: you're a delight and a success or success-to-be.
...Particularly if they're Narcissistic Personality Disordered as part of some or other, subtle psychopathy.
It makes it either [a] a subjective opinion, however much isolated, or [b] a pretence of one, for whatever purposes in terms of it having the effect of making you do or be something they want you to be/do (e.g. having something impossible to continually aim for, equals, always try harder than you should but never be given the medal). Basically, either you're not their cup of tea or they benefit from you believing that's the case. Neither is good. Both indicate sickness.
The sickness lies in the fact these people should be the opposite because they're your parents.
In that one respect, your equally sick boss is more 'forgiveable'.
News for you: any old adults can decide to have a child, and that child will naturally view those two people as Gods who speak only gospel. No matter WHAT they speak. Because they're programmed to and are healthy enough to follow that evolutionary directive. In other words, your mother and/or father can just so happen to have all along been emotionally or mentally disturbed in ways too subtle for 'the loon-catcher and his net'.
And isn't that a killer.
Or a maker.
A survivor sees it as the latter.
Part of this illness (try googling Narcissistic parents) is blaming you for their myriad symptoms, the proofs that they're sick and need a psychiatrist, in a closely interpersonal setting, aka behind closed doors. Another part, you see, is keeping up appearances to the point of hiding their abnormality from people who could make them do something about it. And because "they're Gods", you believe them....more and more with every frequent repetition.
With enough repetitions, this takes you from mere opinion to BELIEF. It's hard enough changing yours or anyone's else's opinion, but - a belief? You need either time in which to 'reverse'-repeat or a whole bucketful of greater evidence to the contrary in-one ("hello!
But you don't really believe it (phew! LOL). The proof is in the fact you're (rightfully) complaining about them. Doesn't matter where. You wouldn't if you saw nothing wrong in how they'd always treated you because 'you were, after all, annoying and a loser'. Actions over words - yours. FYI, you've just argued with yourself and won hands-down.
And so you should have. Because you're right.
2. There is no point 2. That was it. That's all you need to know from here.
Now go stand in front of the mirror and (I'm not joking, I mean this) look yourself in your reflective-Left eye and say, fifteen times - LIKE YOU MEAN IT: My problem was never that I wasn't gorgeous enough. It was that I was TOO gorgeous! So much so, I was a threat to my (emotionally/mentally broken or ill) parents.
FYI, the threat is this: they operate bendily. They pretend that's normal or acceptable and set up props for supporting that delusion at all times. People 'in their face' every day who are dead straight, unavoidably bring home to them the fact that it's NOT normal to be that bendy, ergo, they're not right in the head and don't work right. So they 'shout in your face' again and again to join in with the pretense "or else" (we won't love you).
THEY are children. Inside grown bodies. They've obviously stunted a part of you, too, going by that 'girl' comment up there. But the difference with you is, your mind is not bendable or breakable like their own, were. So ALL YOU NEED is to stay away from the bendy influences and influencers from now on, so that you can catch up very quickly and become WHOLLY 21 years of age.
Think of it this way: you were in a race against your (shouldn't be, but were) own parents (symptom: Competitiveness even with own kids). But not a same-time race, a relative one. If you grow up straight all the way, never bendy, not ONLY will you 'rub their face in' their illness and issues, but you will then be showing them through living it, JUST WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF.
Namely: social and life success.
Now do you understand why they did that- rather, why their particular illness makes them constantly think and behave like that?
PS: It appears your mother at whatever point finally bent out of shape under Dud's weight, doesn't it. And that neither of them wanted you and your brother allied up enough to be capable of fighting them back and quite possibly winning.
PPS: Clinical FACT: The Scapegoat (go google Narcissistic Scapegoat) is the only member of the family who is neither capable of nor prepared to sit with emotinoal or mental illness in their family unit, and not say or do anything about it. The Scapegoat is the child who came out optimally strong, thus capable of such an outnumbered feat. You just wait until you get to the point in your recovery where you realise how special you are and, therefore, how ludicrously funny it is that a bunch of seriously mentally unhealthy individuals had you (consciously-only) believing you got treated like that "because you were so sh*t and repulsive" when, all along the truth was the distinct opposite and they're not even fit to lick your boots! And that the only reason you're not OUTWARDLY successful yet is purely because they SAT ON YOUR LID for years and years! Once you've gone through the anger phase - sure, a part of you will always feel deprived and sad, but, moreover, you'll laugh your face off!
PPPS: If your brother were the intelligent one then he'd be like you. He's not more intelligent than you, he's less. But in addition to that lesser amount, he does still have a very strong survival instinct, HENCE is shape-shifting and lying about how he truly feels. Unlike you, you Braveheart, you.
If you find a way to get away and stay away from them, or see them only occasionally with the new incapability of believing their 'whole stage production' lies, you will be able to deal with this and *then some*!
Because - look at everything you've dealt with already - MY GOD!
The truth will set you free. You are an exceptionally intelligent, emotionally intelligent, survivalist, capable human being and just need no-one sitting on your lid. That's all there is TO this! The hard part is STAYING IN IT.
That wasn't a family, it was a cult. In which you were brainwashed ("I'm sh*t"
. Nobody shit can withstand all that lifelong CRAP you've somehow managed to withstand- not just withstand, but OPERATE through. You should have LITERALLY, GENUINELY failed EVERYTHING and yet somehow you DIDN'T! Factor in your lid 'un-sat-on' and what do you think the results THEN would have been?!
I can't stop myself from continuing to post, despite the late hour - what does that tell you?
You are quitting, yes. Quitting the cult! You've found a hole in the compound wall and are as we speak crawling through it and away!
NOW, THAT IS WHAT I AND *ANYONE* REALLY *CALLS* A SUCCESSFUL HUMAN BEING - FACT, FACT, FACT!
Wake up more! See the sunshine!
And PS you are by NO MEANS UNIQUE here. Not by a long shot! Go read many of the other threads on the topic of being or having been trapped in Narcissistic relationships and you'll see for yourself why I'm so impressed with you.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this massive encouragement!! I really appreciate and mean it!!
I would really want to see the sunshine soon!
And when I do, I would definitely go to a psychiatrist to clear up all the 20-year-old crap off me, to start afresh.
You'd see a psychotherapist, not psychiatrist. But you don't need either. I know a self-healer when I hear one. Just read as much as you possibly can on Narcissistically-abusive families and how they 'sit on your lid', because knowledge is power. If you add having a long break from that madhouse and its occupants in order for you to re-contextualise, come to terms with the fact they have a serious problem, then re-calibrate - this tried-and-tested process will work as your ANTIDOTE.
I repeat: you KNOW nothing's wrong with you, that you weren't the problem all along - they were (and blamed you to shift any outsiders' scrutiny off of them). Otherwise, you wouldn't have seen any cause to complain. See how that works?
The fact you withstood all of that proves you're an amazing self-healer. (Later, if you wanted, you could extend that to other people as your future career?)
(PS: FYI your type of background is where an awful lot of counsellors etc. hail from. 'Every cloud..'