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Struggle to stay committed - hate myself

Posted by
LIFEDREAMER
on Dec 18 2018 at 10:11
Member since: 18 April 2016
Relationship advice Hi All.

I actually hate myself. I feel like an awful and terrible human being and I keep falling into the same trap.

I have had 5 relationships all 2-4 years in length. I've cheated on 3 of them and temptations have arisen in the current!

I fall for people very very quickly. I've never had a one night stand and told 7 of the 8 people I've slept with I love them! I love the excitement of a new relationship, the feeling of falling for someone, and I love the passion and sex that comes with it.

After a year or two that feeling has worn off. We argue, sex is distant and life is just boring. I have an incredibly high sex drive and I've found no one that can match it or keep up. And so the temptations begin...

Anther person will show interest and I'm like a love sick puppy again. I can't help myself. We exchange incredibly heated and intimate messages, until eventually the inevitable happens and we sleep together.

I am then riddled with guilt and end my relationship, in 2 of the 3 cases the person that I've cheated with leaves me in the dirt so I end up alone and hurt.

I dont know how to contain this urge. I honestly feel if I could keep my secrets i'd be better having a fling and keeping it at just that - but I get caught up in the passion and fall for the new person so end my relationship.

I hate myself and have no trust in me.

I swore the last time would be it, that I would stay committed but it's started again. Sexual messages and falling for someone new - someone married at that!

I don't know what to do myself.

Struggle to stay committed - hate myself
Reply from
MAMABEAR
on Dec 18 2018 at 16:47
Member since: 06 March 2016
You can, in fact, help yourself. Unless you are a sexual addict, in which case you should seek professional help. Regardless, you need to stay single. Since you lack the self control to stay monogamous, it's incredibly selfish to lead people to believe you can be in that kind of relationship. So stop setting yourself, and the peoole you get involved with, to fail.

Everybody loves new relationships. Nothing wrong with that. But it is wrong to commit to someone, knowing you're going to cheat on them to chase that high, while still in the relationship. Either stay out of comitted relationships, or end it before the cheating starts. To stay in a relationship, and cheat, is a cowardly and selfish thing to do. And comoletely unnecessary. One conversation, and you're free to do as you please, they're free to move on, and neither of you have to carry the baggage that cheating creates. So muster the courage to have the conversation. BEFORE you cheat.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just honest. You sound like you are genuinely remorseful, and willing to learn from past mistakes. Good for you! But the hard part is practicing what you learn. The main thing you can and should learn from your past, is that in your current state, you are not long-term relationship material. Nothing wrong with that! Not everybody is made for monogamy, and not every relationship is meant to last. That's totally okay and you just need to accept yourself, as is.

What's wrong is trying to be someone you're not. Own the fact that you're in it til the butterflies wear off. Be up front and honest with yourself, and anyone you get involved with. Give them the information they need to make an informed decision for themselves. But do NOT promise someone something you're not capable of just because you don't want them to move on. Seriously. That's wrong, and you know it. It's why you hate yourself. Just own who you are and everyone, especially you, will be much better off.

I have some friends that are openly, happily, "serial honeymooners". They're in love with falling in love, but not interested in the long haul. And they are honest about it. And it works for them, and the people they get involved with. Because everybody is,aware of, and agrees to, the "limitations" of the partnership. Nobody needs to cheat, because they simply have the eventual conversation when it's time to move on. No devastating betrayals. No heartbreaks. No drama. No guilt. They simply own who they are and what they do and don't want, instead of trying to convince themselves or anyone else they're someone they aren't. No reason you can't do that, too.

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