I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. We’re both in our early 20’s and for the most part we are polar opposites and disagree on just about everything. I love him and want to be with him but he doesn’t really care about my feelings/opinions.
He’s the kind of guy who likes going out, clubbing, drinking and dancing.. I don’t enjoy any of that, I’d rather go on a date with him, go to a chill bar or go to an in-home get together. I asked him to stop going clubbing for the most part because it made me uncomfortable that he was always going out with 6+ girls and 1 or 2 other guys. I trust him but I do not trust the girls that he goes out with and I know their track records. Plus we all know each other and they could very easily invite me but they never do, they only invite him.
When we were about 6 months into our relationship I asked him to stop talking to one of his girl friends because their relationship made me very uncomfortable. The girl is married but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t cheat on her husband.. Before him and I started dating he used to hangout with this girl all the time, they’d always carpool everywhere together, always be messing/joking around with each other, and when he’d give her a ride home they would sit and talk for hours (doesn’t sound like a very good wife to me.) When we started dating they stopped carpooling but they were always texting and snap-chatting and it made me uncomfortable so I asked him to stop talking to her. He stopped talking to her and she ended up moving away. Flash forward to a few nights ago, 7 months later, he found out that she was coming back and told me that he can’t be with me if I’m gonna be asking him to cut people off and that he wanted to be friends with her again. How convenient that he was fine with giving her up when she was moving away and then springs this on me as soon as she gets back?..
There was another girl that I asked him to stop talking to because I felt like she was trying to get between us. It was a coworker of his and he talked to her about our issues when they were both at work one day because he wanted advice from someone. I do not think that he should be talking to some single girl about our relationship. I think if he needs advice he should go to his guy friends and if he wants womanly advice he can talk to his sisters that he’s very close to. After she found out that we were having these issues she started texting him all the time “Hey just so you know, you can talk to me anytime and it’ll stay between the two of us.” ”Hey, I hope you’re okay.” “Hey I hope you’re able to make it out next time we all go out.” 3AM:”Hey thanks for the ride” (she could’ve just said that when she got out of the car..) And even when there was a group chat going she felt the need to text him individually asking him what time he would be there. After lots and lots of arguing, he told me that he would stop talking to her as much.
A little history: I met my boyfriend at my old job which is where we both met these girls so they all know me, they have my phone number, we’re friends on social media, yet they never have the decency to invite me but they’re always all over my boyfriend and always invite him everywhere. To me, that feels like they’re disrespecting me and I don’t feel like my boyfriend should be associating with people who are disrespectful to me.
My boyfriend does not see any of this the way that I see it. I talked to about 12 other girls about this (my coworkers) and all of them agree with me. Most of them said “Absolutely not. My boyfriend/husband/significant other will not be going out clubbing with a bunch of girls and giving them rides home and texting them and if a girl does start texting him like that, he’s gonna have to choose between the two of us because that’s not okay.”
I even told me boyfriend “If this situation was switched around and you wanted me to stop doing what I was doing for the sake of our relationship, I would stop doing it. Because I’m with YOU, I love YOU, and I hope to one day marry YOU, so why would it bug me so much to cut a few ties with people who clearly make you uncomfortable and why would it bug me to stop going clubbing with them? I would hurt more to let go of you than it would to let go of them.”
So a while back my boyfriend told me I should just try clubbing and I asked him if he would leave with me if I wasn’t having a good time, he agreed. I found out the other night that they’d all be going out for this girls “welcome back party” (the girl that he stopped talking to months ago.) I decided to go and try it out. I tried it and I was very uncomfortable and didn’t like it. Everyone was dancing and I do not dance. I tried a little bit but I still wasn’t enjoying myself and then the few girls that I do like ended up leaving and we were left with OF COURSE the two girls that I really don’t like, the two girls that I asked him to stop talking to. I told him I didn’t want to be there anymore and he said he could give me a ride home and then go back out with them. I did not trust them to be around him alone so I sat down and just watched. The entire time we were there they were constantly talking to him, and making conversation with him but didn’t really try with me at all.
I really don’t know what to do here, I try telling him that I just don’t have a good feeling about those girls and they make me very uncomfortable and I don’t like them being around him. Again, I trust HIM but I do not trust them. I know that if they made a move he would push them away but it should never get to the point where he has to push them away and that’s what I’m scared of. We’ve gotten into so many arguments about this and we do not see eye to eye at all. I want to be with him but this whole situation literally makes me nauseous when I think about it and he doesn’t care about my feelings when it comes to this whole topic. Sorry it’s such a long story, I really need to vent and don’t have any friends to talk to. If anyone has any advice or another perspective please let me know. Thanks!
Firstly do they only invite him because they know you don’t enjoy clubbing? Do you even have to be invited by THEM, If he wants you to go as his gf then surely that would be ok? It’s a free country...
I’m with you on the clubbing thing, I don’t really get it...And like you, would much rather go to a pub, where you can actually have a conversation...but there are a lot people who do enjoy clubbing and as and that’s fine.
My ex bf went clubbing and at the time it was him socialising, settling into uni, making friends with girls and boys. And to be honest at the time I didn’t even think about it.
I think asking your bf to stop clubbing/talking to these people is proving to be hard for him because he enjoys it and maybe he always gone clubbing. It’s how he socialises. So he’s possibly taken it as you trying to controlling him and that explains the arguing. Its like him asking you to stop doing a hobby you really enjoy.
I think the way to get round this is to compromise, make date nights a regular thing. You don’t have to go clubbing with him, that’s up to you, but if you don’t want to keep yourself busy go out with friends or plan your evening in with films so you don’t dwell on it.
The fact that he’s asked you to go with him or at least to try it is a good thing btw. If he didn’t want you to for what ever reason, he wouldn’t bother.
As for these other girls... i do see where you’re coming from. I know you trust him and not them but It takes two for something to actually happen, not just one person. It’s very easy to think otherwise. If you know he’d push them away, then trust that’s what would happen. You’ll drive yourself mad otherwise and potentially push him away.