Flashback to when I was 17 and 50 kg back then. I was very happy with my body and full of confidence. I used to enjoy going out a lot, socialising, getting dressed in sexy clothes and feeling gorgeous. I used to take extreme care of what I ate. I was actually 42kg when I was 16 and very skinny, maybe a bit underweight I’d say.
And then it all started when I turned 18 (weighed 53kg at that point). I moved abroad and that’s when my weight gain “journey” begun.
I made a few friends back in the first year of uni that I have no contact with anymore.
For the past 3 years I don’t even leave my house unless I have to go to uni.
I order fatty shitty food almost everyday, I gained 25kg since I started uni basically.
I don’t have any boyfriend (the last time I was dating someone was 2,5 years ago), I have no friends and no social life. I don’t go out anymore cos I’m ashamed of my abjection and what I look like. I don’t take pictures anymore cos I can’t stand watching myself on them.
I don’t go shopping anymore (I used to absolutely love doing that as a teenager) cos I can’t stand looking at my fat body on the mirrors of the fitting rooms and because all clothes look absolutely shitty on me. I just order baggy clothes from ASOS, like size 16, and pray they fit me. I avoid any kind of social interaction because of what I look like.
I just stay at home and either eat or watch series or study. Waiting for my food to be delivered every day is the most exciting thing and the only thing I look forward to... sad and pathetic. Gosh I hate myself. I’m a fat cow.
I don’t know how to change the situation. I know I need to get off my fat ass, get on a diet, hit the gym and shut my fucking mouth. I’m fully aware of how fat I am, of the metabolic syndrome I have and of my high cholesterol. I know it’s not only about the looks but also a matter of health, diabetes is waiting for me at the corner.
I JUST CAN’T help myself. I’m trying to find the motivation to lose weight but I don’t have any. It’s like I don’t even care anymore.
I know I need to stop whining and put my shit together and get control of my life and weight, but I have neither the courage nor the motivation to do so.
I know I need to start seeing a therapist but I have no money (my parents are paying for my uni tuition fees and rent etc so I don’t wanna ask them for extra money for a therapist. And as a med student I don’t have the time to get a job to make my own money until I graduate). So seeing a therapist is not an option...
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I guess I just wanted to share it with someone.
I was crying when I started writing this huge “essay” but I had never talked to someone before and I kinda feel better now. I’m not expecting any answer, I just felt like sharing my story.
I’m tired of being fat and lonely.
I know these are first-world issues and nothing compared to what homeless people are going through, but I believe each one of us faces their own problems.
Please excuse my shitty english, I’m not a native speaker.
And thank you spending time on reading my story..
Sounds like you are ready to make good changes for yourself.