Flashback to when I was 17 and 50 kg back then. I was very happy with my body and full of confidence. I used to enjoy going out a lot, socialising, getting dressed in sexy clothes and feeling gorgeous. I used to take extreme care of what I ate. I was actually 42kg when I was 16 and very skinny, maybe a bit underweight I’d say.
And then it all started when I turned 18 (weighed 53kg at that point). I moved abroad and that’s when my weight gain “journey” begun.
I made a few friends back in the first year of uni that I have no contact with anymore.
For the past 3 years I don’t even leave my house unless I have to go to uni.
I order fatty shitty food almost everyday, I gained 25kg since I started uni basically.
I don’t have any boyfriend (the last time I was dating someone was 2,5 years ago), I have no friends and no social life. I don’t go out anymore cos I’m ashamed of my abjection and what I look like. I don’t take pictures anymore cos I can’t stand watching myself on them.
I don’t go shopping anymore (I used to absolutely love doing that as a teenager) cos I can’t stand looking at my fat body on the mirrors of the fitting rooms and because all clothes look absolutely shitty on me. I just order baggy clothes from ASOS, like size 16, and pray they fit me. I avoid any kind of social interaction because of what I look like.
I just stay at home and either eat or watch series or study. Waiting for my food to be delivered every day is the most exciting thing and the only thing I look forward to... sad and pathetic. Gosh I hate myself. I’m a fat cow.
I don’t know how to change the situation. I know I need to get off my fat ass, get on a diet, hit the gym and shut my fucking mouth. I’m fully aware of how fat I am, of the metabolic syndrome I have and of my high cholesterol. I know it’s not only about the looks but also a matter of health, diabetes is waiting for me at the corner.
I JUST CAN’T help myself. I’m trying to find the motivation to lose weight but I don’t have any. It’s like I don’t even care anymore.
I know I need to stop whining and put my shit together and get control of my life and weight, but I have neither the courage nor the motivation to do so.
I know I need to start seeing a therapist but I have no money (my parents are paying for my uni tuition fees and rent etc so I don’t wanna ask them for extra money for a therapist. And as a med student I don’t have the time to get a job to make my own money until I graduate). So seeing a therapist is not an option...
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I guess I just wanted to share it with someone.
I was crying when I started writing this huge “essay” but I had never talked to someone before and I kinda feel better now. I’m not expecting any answer, I just felt like sharing my story.
I’m tired of being fat and lonely.
I know these are first-world issues and nothing compared to what homeless people are going through, but I believe each one of us faces their own problems.
Please excuse my shitty english, I’m not a native speaker.
And thank you spending time on reading my story..
Sounds like you are ready to make good changes for yourself.
This thread has expired, but why not create your own?