Am I wrong for what I am doing?
So I have this male friend and we just recently started talking online via social media and via text. He is my ex's old boss and we have been friends on FB for awhile (even while I was with my ex). I kept him updated on my ex during his deployment. Then we broke up and we talked about what went wrong and how he was rooting for us to get back together and make it work. We did and then a year later we broke up again and for good.
We started talking again and I told him what happened and that this time we were not getting back together. This is where it gets....different I guess. We have this instant connection and boy is it strong! Like we talk every single day and it kinda feels like we have known each other for years..like childhood friends. He has this need to protect me and make sure that I am happy at all costs. When I am upset I turn to him. When I am pissed off I turn to him. Anything that I need...he makes sure that I have it.
He says that no matter what or who...it is ALWAYS going to be US. If I am in a relationship...it is still US. And if ever the chance comes that we are able to be together then we will be. He says that if he had met me years ago then he would have made me his. The only problem is...he has been married for 15 years.....
Unless you are both willing to turn your lives upside down to be together, today, you need to end it. The sooner the better. If it's not worth him being honest with his wife right now, then it will end when he's bored, worried he'll get busted, finds the next shiny thing, or is just plain tired of lying nonstop to his whole family.
There is only one person getting everything they want here. You and his wife certainly are not. It's costing everybody something, except him. If there are kids involved, then multiply that cost. And again- the only one getting the payoff for everybody else's investment, is also the one that's unwilling to pay any price himself at all.
Additionally, you are the only one that currently knows they're paying so he can play. So you're the only benefactor with the consideration of consent. His wife (and kids, if any) are unwittingly paying the price and they weren't even informed, let alone asked. How would you feel if you were his wife? Because if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
Lastly, the truth always comes out. Always. Do you want to be standing by him when what you've been doing eventually comes to light? Are you ready to own the entirety of the emotional and physical affair, publicly?
There are so many questions you could and should be asking. Asking him. But you're here, and only asking one question. The way you worded it is very telling, and pretty clearly indicates the obvious answer. Just like any big decision,run it by your friends. Or family. Or therapist or priest. If you haven't already done that because you feel ashamed, or because you don't want to hear the answers you know you'd get, then again- you already know the answer. You just don't like it.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's obvious you love him. He may even love you. But think about it. This is the honeymoon phase for you and him. The connection and drive to be together will never be stronger than it is right now. So if he's not willing to do what it takes to be with you, publicly, right now, at the beginning... do you really think he'll get MORE motivated as time passes?
Anyone can promise you rainbows and butterflies. Life just doesn't work that way, though. This guy is promising you he'll do whatever it takes, while also telling you he doesn't have the spine to have an honest conversation with his wife. Divorce happens allllllllll the time. Whatever excuses he has for not being "able" to leave her are just that- excuses. Why would he leave her, if he can have you both, right? He says "no matter what" "no matter who". But he's married to a "who". And is staying that way, apparently. So... If it really were "no matter who", then he'd actually leave her. Which he clearly had no intention of doing.
If you're fine with being a mistress, and nothing more? And if your conscience doesn't bother you? Then more power to you. But if you'll ever want more, you'll be sorely disappointed. And that would suck.
Thank you so much MamaBear...I ended things with him today after reading this reply. I told him that I do not want to be his little side piece/mistress anymore. I want to be with someone who is willing to show me off and not hide me. And most importantly...someone who only wants me...and loves me.
He got upset about it and begged me to stay but I stayed firm and said no. I have blocked him from everything so he cannot contact me again.
Once again....I thank you for your response.
Good for you! I know it can't be easy, and I think it takes guts to do the right thing for you. Especially when your heart's already involved. I'm sorry you had to make the decision, but I think you'll be very glad you did. There are so many big red flags with this guy, and you would have ended up even more hurt in the long run. You deserve better, and I'm happy to hear you're giving yourself an opportunity to move on and find it. Hugs to you and I hope you stay strong and take good care of yourself.