I need help! I am destroying myself for a person
This year has been a disaster. I have lost many family members. My cousin died in february. I had a friend who was very rude to me, she used me to get good grades, she used to say negative stuff to me such as if i am putting on makeup she would say you are looking like an aunty. She used to comment on everything. in january I stopped talking to her for 2 weeks but I immediately realised that what i was doing was wrong. She used to talk behind other class fellows who were our friends and when she would meet them she was very sweet to them. This bothered me alot. I couldnt tell her that she was doing this. When I said that i was sorry for not talking to her for 2 weeks she made me feel guilty for the entire year. Recently, I got very ill, my doctor told me that I have diabetes and that too because of stress. I have boils all over my body because of stress and anxiety. When I told her about my illness and that she caused so much tension in my life, her room mates came to me in cafeteria, they shouted, called names, cursed and left. This left me devastated. Instead of getting angry, I said sorry to her and her room mates for absolutely nothing. I also didnt go to the university for about 2 weeks. When I went back, I didnt sit with her. Instead of asking me what was up with me, she blocked me from facebook, instagram and snapchat. Just because I didnt sit with her that day when I came back after 2 weeks. During these 2 weeks, I called her, as my uncle died, I was very depressed. I asked her to come over as my parents were not home. She said no, I was so sad that I picked up a scissor and started cutting my hand. She called me after an hour and asked me not to harm myself as if I killed my self , she didnt want that people blame her and her parents. She called me again after a week and when I asked her what did she wanted she said " How are you okay? Why arent you crying?"
Now the thing is that we arent friends anymore, I have said sorry but because I didnt talk to her after those 2 weeks she has blocked me. But I am not okay. I feel alone. I know that she was a toxic friend. Why do I feel alone. My grades have gone down. I am not feeling well. Sometimes I hate her. Sometimes I want her back as i remember our friendship that we had in the start of the university about 2 years ago. I dont know why do I feel alone, sad, depressed. I feel like everything has stopped. I feel like i am empty from the inside. She on the other hand is okay. Our mutual friends post pictures on snapchat. She is laughing in every video and picture. They are going out watching movies. She is getting good grades. Whenever I am in the class she sings and laughs and speaks very loudly just so that I can hear her. I am alone. I feel sad. I dont know what to do. I cant remember my goals, what I wanted to do in life. I feel like I will never get a friend again. I always feel the need to call someone. I cant sped time with myself alone. I cry alot. I feel like I should go to her and say sorry, But that will be stupid as this is not the soltuion. I want to feel happy.
You realise it’s a toxic relationship and the best thing to do is to stay away and distance your self from her as much as you can, and slowly cut contact. Its a positive thing that you regonise this :-).
I think you probably feel sad/depressed because your friendship didn’t turn out the way you though it would, instead it ended badly and she showed that actually she wasn’t a nice person.
You don’t need to go back to her and apologise anymore because you don’t owe her one.
It sounds that if she turns others against you then she’s the bully. Bullies are very good at making you feel cr*p lower your self esteem and confidence. Try to hang out with people who aren’t connected to her or if you do then be careful what you say to them about her in case it gets back to her.
With these kind of people they want you to feel like this and if you allow your self to carry on feeling the way you are, then basically she wins. Don’t let this be your 3rd year of thinking about her, missing her or hating her, learn to forget. it does take time so don’t be too hard on yourself. After uni you’ll probably go your separate ways.