My partner was in the sex industry - Am I a fool
First of all let me explain something about myself, I am 54 years old was married in 1988 and was faithful to my wife until 2015 when I decided to end my marriage. I had opportunities to be unfaithful but I did not take them, this includes a work colleague jumping in my bed naked at an end of year function.
But no I am not perfect, in fact when I ended the relationship, it was in my mind before I told my wife. For that I take full responsibility for my actions and I regret how I broke it off, yes like many married couples I was not happy in my marriage for over 10 years but I waited till my youngest was 18 years of age.
I had a relationship with a 48 year old woman back in 2015 and I moved in with her until May 2017, this was due to her inability to show feelings and her drinking.
At this stage I really just wanted to date with NSA but most of the Women on the dating sites had so many issues and baggage it just got tiresome. A friend introduced me to Seeking Arrangements, which of course is a prostitution site with a “girlfriend” experience. Basically you discuss terms at a financial basis then take them for a date and perhaps buy presents and of course pay cash afterwards. I had some good times and bad times and many con-artists but generally I found the older ladies to be genuine and the younger ones looking at their watches and trying to steal your wallet.
I was in a space that I really did not want a relationship, I merely wanted a single lady who I could date and be free of all the baggage that a relationship had and it gave me time to work on my trust with my children.
After four months of doing this I met a 43 year old from that site who was very different to all the other girls I had met. She seemed hurt and I met her 3 or 4 times before we had sex, I just liked her company. Anyway she met me at my place for my birthday and bought me a bracelet and wallet and stayed the night, the thing is she never stays the night unless they pay bigtime but she did. I simply whispered in her ear “why you are still here?”, and she broke down and cried which of course broke down all barriers I had put up after my last relationship, I was hooked.
One thing led to the next and soon enough she started leaving clothes at my place, originally she asked me to be monogamous while she had regular customers and I agreed. But of course this played with my heart and I had to work out a way to get her out of the game.
I found out that she had skills and a business a couple of years ago, so I asked if she would like to buy a business as she told me she would never work for someone again. So I organised to be the sole provider, pay her bills and mine while she looked for a business to buy.
Sadly she lied to me and was organising another Arrangement behind my back, at first I caught her and she told me it was an addiction to the attention and the money she gets and that she never slept with anyone since she moved in. I don’t believe her but I know that she has been lying to her kids and everyone else for the last 3 years since she started.
I got her to delete all the Gmail accounts and KIK and all the other ties including blocking all the men she had on her phone.
Clearly she has been hurt, by her father and her husband who visited brothels for many years, she believes that ALL men will cheat sooner all later as she found that most men she met where married.
I guess she feels I would do the same.
She still has her phone locked and sometimes she goes outside for a smoke or bathroom to do messages.
I do not know if its paranoia or she just continues to lie.
Sooner or later I will catch her as they say but the real question is how do I get her to stop?
She is a very affectionate person and tells me constantly that she loves me, she has basically done everything except unlock her phone, she constantly tells me that I do not trust her and yes I guess she is right?
I need your advice
Hopefully you don't mind some advice from a youngster. But from what I can tell this is a pretty broken person who will probably always lie to you. I get that maybe some people have this idea of the "Pretty Woman" situation, but the reality is this woman probably wouldn't still be hanging around if you didn't have the money to keep paying for her.
This woman is probably really uncomfortable with settling down with anyone, and has gone through too much in her life to really ever want to live an ordinary life.
I have to ask if you still think putting up with a liar and a cheat is worse than putting up with someone who has trouble showing emotions and drinks a lot? Of course I realize there's probably other reasons why you prefer this lady to the other lady, but it seems like you are uncomfortable with secrecy of this woman.
What makes you special to her, aside from being able to provide for her?
Let me just say this. I don't think a guy like you necessarily needs to pay for women. Some ladies really do have daddy issues and seek out older men out of preference. If finding someone 10-20 years younger than yourself is important to you, then maybe you can make that happen.
But the biggest question I have for you is this: You started out wanting a regular FWB, no strings. Why now are you tied down to one woman? I get that you can't plan everything out and sometimes life has other plans. But I feel like this woman is the one holding a lot of the power in your relationship now. Just a thought.
First of all thank you for your comments.
Let me answer some of these questions if i may before talking more about the situation.
"but the reality is this woman probably wouldn't still be hanging around if you didn't have the money to keep paying for her."
It is interesting point you make, yes she wouldn't leave the industry without financial security, however she does have a 3 Million dollar home, she also drives an expensive car, she is not broke by any means and the men she dated are far richer than I am in terms of owning very large companies that we all use including me. While i am not broke i am not a millionaire, she had flown to Singapore with a client FIRST class they have showed her with gifts. I took her to a shop to try on dresses, she loved 3 of them and i offered to buy them, she said she would only take 1. Now my previous girlfriend would have jumped at taking all 3 dresses, so she is very different.
"I have to ask if you still think putting up with a liar and a cheat is worse than putting up with someone who has trouble showing emotions and drinks a lot?" Actually she doesn't have a drug or drinking problem, that was my ex-girlfriend, she will have 1 or 2 drinks as she is a control freak just like me. In terms of lying, well i believe she is addicted to lies as she has had to lie for 3 years, she only started prostitution 1 year ago, however she even lied about that as it took time to get the truth from her. She believes that i would get the wrong impression if i had access to her phone? Well i have given her full access to my phone as i have nothing to hide so that is a concern. I believe since she had a bad father who left her after her mother died at 18 and a Husband who went to brothels since they got married is the real reason, she did not know how beautiful she was till she left her husband, she said to me she really wanted to know just how many men would want to sleep with her ... she said 99% of them are horrible in bed and she really did not enjoy the sex part, it was the adulation that got her excited as she never had it before.
"What makes you special to her, aside from being able to provide for her?"
She offered affection, that most women did not know how to provide, she is very romantic and wants the attention that i give. I guess i am too romantic for most women. Also I say no and she is shocked that i say no, this turns her on as most men let her do whatever she wants and she thinks these men are scared to lose her, i am not. In fact i told her "I am going to work now, if you think you will be unfaithful, then do not be here when i get back" She never had someone say that to her.
"I don't think a guy like you necessarily needs to pay for women."
Yes, while i am not up myself you are right, i get advances every now and then. But what turns me on or attraction is the girl who is hard to get. I really do not like a woman coming on to me. However I tried POF and other sites like that and most have major baggage, I was not looking for a relationship and that is usually the case. I just wanted to play and i didnt want to spend hours chatting on sites with time wasters.
"She wants monogamy from you, yet she can’t seem to honor your commitment by being true to you. She accepts your gifts as long as there are no strings attached, like requiring her to pay attention to running a business you even offered to financially back."
Thank you again, no rose coloured glasses, i fully know what she did for the last 12 months, I think i need to confront her about the lies and slowly work on it. We are both broken in some ways, look women 40 years and older have all had many partners, i do not think that cause she was in prostitution that it makes it any different. I think the lies is the key, I believe that since i caught her out back in November the 9th she has been sexually faithful, however I need to get her away from the other girls in that industry ... this is going to be a long haul. She has agreed to counselling which is a big step for her. I said i want you to tell a WOMEN things you cannot tell me.
I have spoken to one friend who also played that Prostitution game, i only did it for 4 mths but he did it for 10 years... he said it will take years to get her okay and to live a normal life. He said are you prepared? Well she has a business now and that keeps her busy ... now i need to work on the lies ... break down the distrust she has with men.
Wish me luck.
I just hope I am not a fool.
For a guy who never wanted a relationship, you are knee deep in muck now.
Perhaps this is a matter of mutual good timing for both of you.
Time will tell.
Just protect yourself financially. That nice car and big house may have unforeseen complications to them if she has to give up her “business”.
Thank you again for your reply.
I was hurt from my previous relationship, in terms of a woman who could not show feelings, she was far more concerned about other people’s perceptions than of how I felt. If we had a disagreement in public, she be far more worried about what others felt than my feelings. Also, she did not even notice what I liked or disliked – 3 years investment.
Yes, I was hurt and not ready to jump on the relationship band wagon, so a friend of mine said why don’t you try the Girlfriend Experience without strings attached. I was very naive about this game and I had no idea about seeking arrangement.
Education about Seeking Arrangements: Yes, it’s a par per meet and that is around $500 each meet plus gifts dinners and exclusive hotels etc..! But it’s not the same as going to a brothel as such, these people do not watch the clock and want to be pampered. They are looking for dates, dinners, dancing and trips while being paid. Yes, there is expectations from the men of a sexual nature but it’s the whole experience. Most are Uni students however the market for older women is huge hence a beautiful 43-year-old gets lots of attention on these sites …. As the younger ones are dime a dozen. Men like to talk to a woman and the older men in most cases will prefer to date an older woman for conversations.
So she enjoyed the adulations and the excitement of the date, she did not care about the man himself (most don’t btw) it was all about the gifts, money and attention.
So they lie to themselves and their kids and friends …. They stop posting stuff on Facebook and they live a hidden life from everyone.
Think about it used and abused by her father and husband … kids who are now adults take advantage of her, she lived in the same house as her ex-husband and paid 80% of all the bills, her husband knew what she was doing but did not care if the bills were paid. She believes that all married men cheat on their wives, she even believes I will cheat on her, she told me all the men in her life give up on her …. She is a very broken person.
Good news is she wants help, she admits she lies to me and everyone else, it’s time to get the help she needs and to live a normal life. I am hoping that she doesn’t want men to use her again and that she can overcome the adulation and lying.
In the 12 months she had done this she tells me stories – it is hard to take it but I am strong …. I have survived my mother and sisters murder so I can survive this too.
I do believe she loves me and I also love her.
So I am going to try.