I have a problem with myself and my emotions. It's all about one particular girl - She was my very first love and it was over 9 years ago. Our paths split up when we broke up (but we were friends tho) and later on I got in another relationship. Still, we were contacting and we were pretty good friends - she was a person that knew me better than anybody else in the world. We were exchanging e-mails but our contact was cut for about 3 years.
Later on as it turned out our lives were on such a rocky road that we were just two emotional wrecks. She told me that, I told her about my experiences with my toxic gf. After that talk I got enough courage to end my toxic relationship (it lasted for 5 years during which for almost 2 years I was a prisoner in my own life with no contact with family nor friends).
We were again in touch with each other and as it turned out later I had to go to her city where she lived for some sort of training from my work. I got there, I spent 2 days doing my job-scheduled things, and then I visited her in her home where she lived with 2 of her roommates.
Here the story starts to tear my insides up. We were alone in a home, she was preparing a meal and we were talking - about present times and past. She told me that she never really stopped feeling something towards me, I told her that I was thinking about her for a very long time, but our lives were so much fu**** up that we just haven't got energy to even think about each other in such terms. We both accepted that we could start something again, but first we needed to literally learn each other from the start because we changed. I was happy, I felt real happiness inside because I knew what I was thinking about her. Her roommates came back, we met each other, ate a meal and then got to sleep.
Because she had only one bed I had to sleep with her (i'm a guy, but trust me that I got there with my heart in my hands, not my di**). We get in a bed and I said good night to her and that I'm thankfull for that she listened to me and wanted to renew our friendship. We were laying for a little bit of time, I was getting more and more sleepy when I felt that she turned to me and started to kiss me. We were kissing for some time but I said that I can't do that, I don't want to start our friendship/relationship by the bed (especially that she was still a virgin + as later her roommate and my friends mentioned, she was a lesbian for over 4 years and didn't wanted to get in any relationship emotional or physical with man/guys). We get back to sleep and slept all night long.
Next day she was like other person, she was not angry nor sad because of that night but she treated me almost like I was her enemy, like a trash. I was trying talking to her but she wasn't trying to talk to me really. 3 next days passed, I was having fun with her roommates and with her also, mixed with crying out loud when I was out smoking a cigarette - It was pretty hard time for me after which I needed to just cut myself from the outer world and get in the "cocoon".
Now for the finish - my problem is that I still think about her, I cannot tell myself that it's just the end. I even tell myself that it is my fault what happened in her life and why she is who she is right now. I can't stop blaming myself for every mistake and tear that happenned to her and she knew that (that I was blaming myself). Right now I started a new, fresh relationship. My girl knows about that person which caused my "mental problems" and she accepts that that person was in my life, as well as she knows bout my last relationship. My main problem is how can I help myself to get rid of her - of that girl from the past. She blocked me on facebook, she don't communicate with me, yet I can't just throw her out of my mind. It's something like I miss her so much that I can't let her go, yet I know that she lives in a past and she will never come back to me. Maybe it's because she was my very first love in my life and we created some really strong bonds? I don't know. I realise that you will probably not read all of this because it is hella long, but if anybody reach this sentence - thank you for listening to me and trying to help
You know, you can't blame yourself solely for the way things turned out. I know that's easier said than done. But it took both you and her taking a risk on that relationship, and in the end she made her own choice again about what she wanted from life going forward.
It sounds like you maintained something of a friendship and that is good, but that is also quite rare after splitting up. I'm not sure how long you and her were together for, but it's also quite amazing that you were never intimate - then again maybe you were pretty young when you had dated.
I don't like to make assumptions, but I get the feeling from the way events played out that night you went and visited her during your work training, that she was hoping that might be the night you would somehow come back to her?
Did you want to try to reconnect with her? Did she realize your reasoning for not wanting to start things off intimately? Is there another reason why she could have been acting that way the next day?
You moved on to another new relationship that was toxic? Why do you think you went from one extreme to the next? Was it a rushed relationship to get over your ex? Or maybe you just wanted someone different?
Now you're dating a different woman altogether. Do you feel like your current girlfriend is someone who you can bond with and strongly like you did your first love? And does she make you feel better than anybody else in the world right now?
Our lives move forward. I am typically skeptical of couples getting back together after breaking up, but it has happened before. Parents and their children can pick up where they left off years before, I've seen this happen. But I think we keep wanting to use our life experiences to figure out more clearly where we want to go next.
Most past relationships are best left as what they are, a point in time when you were happy together, but which concluded.
I think I'm finding that making changes to your environment, your routines, the people you surround yourself with and your job can help to make tremendous progress on moving on from something. It's been working for me somewhat, though of course it won't solve all problems. I think just sometimes things run their course and it's time to find a new "world" with new people and possibilities, and a refreshed mindset.
I know you've had this person on your mind for over 9 years, and that's a long time. But I do think with time and living life you can move on.