I have a problem with myself and my emotions. It's all about one particular girl - She was my very first love and it was over 9 years ago. Our paths split up when we broke up (but we were friends tho) and later on I got in another relationship. Still, we were contacting and we were pretty good friends - she was a person that knew me better than anybody else in the world. We were exchanging e-mails but our contact was cut for about 3 years.
Later on as it turned out our lives were on such a rocky road that we were just two emotional wrecks. She told me that, I told her about my experiences with my toxic gf. After that talk I got enough courage to end my toxic relationship (it lasted for 5 years during which for almost 2 years I was a prisoner in my own life with no contact with family nor friends).
We were again in touch with each other and as it turned out later I had to go to her city where she lived for some sort of training from my work. I got there, I spent 2 days doing my job-scheduled things, and then I visited her in her home where she lived with 2 of her roommates.
Here the story starts to tear my insides up. We were alone in a home, she was preparing a meal and we were talking - about present times and past. She told me that she never really stopped feeling something towards me, I told her that I was thinking about her for a very long time, but our lives were so much fu**** up that we just haven't got energy to even think about each other in such terms. We both accepted that we could start something again, but first we needed to literally learn each other from the start because we changed. I was happy, I felt real happiness inside because I knew what I was thinking about her. Her roommates came back, we met each other, ate a meal and then got to sleep.
Because she had only one bed I had to sleep with her (i'm a guy, but trust me that I got there with my heart in my hands, not my di**). We get in a bed and I said good night to her and that I'm thankfull for that she listened to me and wanted to renew our friendship. We were laying for a little bit of time, I was getting more and more sleepy when I felt that she turned to me and started to kiss me. We were kissing for some time but I said that I can't do that, I don't want to start our friendship/relationship by the bed (especially that she was still a virgin + as later her roommate and my friends mentioned, she was a lesbian for over 4 years and didn't wanted to get in any relationship emotional or physical with man/guys). We get back to sleep and slept all night long.
Next day she was like other person, she was not angry nor sad because of that night but she treated me almost like I was her enemy, like a trash. I was trying talking to her but she wasn't trying to talk to me really. 3 next days passed, I was having fun with her roommates and with her also, mixed with crying out loud when I was out smoking a cigarette - It was pretty hard time for me after which I needed to just cut myself from the outer world and get in the "cocoon".
Now for the finish - my problem is that I still think about her, I cannot tell myself that it's just the end. I even tell myself that it is my fault what happened in her life and why she is who she is right now. I can't stop blaming myself for every mistake and tear that happenned to her and she knew that (that I was blaming myself). Right now I started a new, fresh relationship. My girl knows about that person which caused my "mental problems" and she accepts that that person was in my life, as well as she knows bout my last relationship. My main problem is how can I help myself to get rid of her - of that girl from the past. She blocked me on facebook, she don't communicate with me, yet I can't just throw her out of my mind. It's something like I miss her so much that I can't let her go, yet I know that she lives in a past and she will never come back to me. Maybe it's because she was my very first love in my life and we created some really strong bonds? I don't know. I realise that you will probably not read all of this because it is hella long, but if anybody reach this sentence - thank you for listening to me and trying to help