Mother in law and family
MEGE - Jan 4 2019 at 16:47
I've been married for almost 10yrs now with 2 kids under 8yrs. My wife's parents have moved in with us to help out with kids for at least 4 yrs now. Unfortunately MIL is not only bossy but also very aggressive even before we got married. I can give multiple examples but the ones stuck in my head are: coming back from work and getting thrown at me pretty much everything at hand with abusive language (including spitting).
She took over our live immediately, took 4 rooms in the house + bathroom. I'm not allowed to step into them and pretty much took control over kids as well - i don't even feel like I'm a parent any more. MIL will create dramas and arguments over anything such as dust pan or vacuum cleaner to a drinking glass type and complain big time to my wife.
Unfortunately my wife doesn't support me at all - all i get back is why you're never nice to them. It goes to that point that my wife said that I might as well leave the house.
Honestly there is no day without MIL arguing / shouting and complaining at me.
I don't feel like I'm part of the family, MIL and my wife decide on everything, eg. one day i had announcement from them that wife brother will live with us for few years (mid 20s) - and that's it, not even asking me for permission or anything.
Now wife sister has a kid, which (surprise surprise) MIL is taking care of in our house. Kid gets dropped off and that's it (in a way i don't mind, he's pretty cool toddler). Wife sister's husband works away for 3/4 of the year and wife sister decided to work away as well - pretty much dumping the kid in our house - again was I asked for my opinion or how do I feel about it? Nope. Now she's got 2nd kid on the way and I'm worried that her newborn and toddler will live with us.
On top of that wife sister has our house keys and comes and goes as pleased (living in our house as well - she has her own house) and her husband refused to take the in-laws to their own house. Wife sister refused to assist in paying any bills (even food), finally husband enforced it. This got to that point that she used to drive to our house to use internet as she didn't want to set it up in her house to pay her bills (and their combined income is close to 400k ...).
FIL is an on/off alcoholic and when he hits bottle for few days, they will fight/shout big time. Funnily enough I get well with him. Once they moved in they started to collect "2nd hand" goods and filling our new house (then selling it on markets using our car - which got trashed and we had to sell it) - again wife didn't put a stop to it. After almost 2yrs we manged to put a stop to it, there was over 1 tonne of rubbish that we had to dispose (our house is new and costs us close to 1 mil).
I work away from home for 1/2 a year and my wife is working full time (thanks to MIL staying at home and taking care of the kids). The money is pretty good. I told my wife that I will be happy to quit my job and take care full time of kids but that wasn't acceptable - apparently we need more money (we will be fine on her income).
My wife cut me off from my WHOLE family for about 5 years now; my kids are not allowed to talk to my parents or see their photos etc. I went to see my parents as I haven't' seen them for few years and that caused HUGE drama - she wanted a divorce when I came back claiming that I went on a holiday by myself.
I'm not allowed to see any of my friends( heh, i can't even remember what they look like); I can't go out anywhere, if I go outside the house I need to turn my GPS on so she can track me. Forget about any hobbies - not allowed.
I had multiple threats from her about divorce (get out of my house now, you're not allowed to live here anymore). The last one was that she won't divorce me because kids will suffer.
I started to ignore my MIL and wife sister when they're in my house to send the message that they're not welcomed. Now MIL on purpose started to sit with my wife and have very long conversations when I'm around and tries to pick an argument (not direct, only complaining to my wife) over anything.
Don't know what to do now. I'm pretty sure that without MIL my live and family will be back to normal really fast; my wife won't listen and I don't believe she will go to counseling.
Another example, we were setting up micro business and i had to put on pause everything to get more info (didn't know enough), at stake was 20k~, so what help I had from my wife? She went online and started to fill out divorce papers over that.
Thanks for reading . . .
What you describe sounds like a really dysfunctional relationship. If your wife is willing to scream "DIVORCE" over every little thing, somehow I doubt removing the MIL from your house would make everything great.
What all are you getting out of this? Why have you stayed around this long? I get the impression that you aren't living the life you want to live, and are instead stepping aside and being a passive person in your wife and MIL's lives.
You have your own family and other people outside of your wife's life who you'd like to see too, and you should be able to see them. Apparently no matter how much you've bent over for these people and sacrificed for them, it's still not enough.
You have good work, is it enough to support yourself on? Have you considered the pros and cons of divorce yet?
Now maybe there are good qualities here that outweigh the bad, that you just didn't get to bring up. But what you describe doesn't sound like a pleasant household - it sounds like the wifezilla-momzilla tag-team from Hell.
Give things some thought and make a decision. You will have plenty of time to think when you're an audience member of your life.
"You have good work, is it enough to support yourself on? Have you considered the pros and cons of divorce yet?"
Yeh, i've considered it strongly. Main thing is the kids, don't want to make it much harder for them. Funny enough my wife said the same thing, better not to divorce as it's hard on kids - I took that hard, for obvious reasons.
I've good good job, paying for the kids will hit me hard financially - I should be ok though.
That threats for 'divorce' from her side is on/off like a roller coaster - it feels like it's very emotional. She will get angry annoyed over absolute anything (I was suspecting something beyond depression but she refused to see a doctor). There were tell tell sines of that before marriage.
Not long ago I've been told that MIL requested that we buy new house and give the existing to brother in law (no way we can't afford that, it's out of our reach). So what my wife told me? If I don't follow her plans then might as well divorce. WTF comes to mind. After few days she had to explain to MIL that we cannot do that financially and after that all settled down.
I've spoken with a friend and told him all in details, and he was shocked.
Honestly, I'm tired, I'm a quiet guy but any more major incidents and I will go and sign everything off myself. Getting fed up with pushing me around.