I need external advice or input, are you ready for a lot of reading?
My wife and i are married for just over 3 years with a beautiful daughter just short of that.
I am almost 40 and she almost 30 years of age, neither of us have ever been players and only interested in long term relationships.
We got married post-expecting witch is to this day my 2 greatest accomplishments, being a husband and having a baby, so no, i
am extremely happy that it turned out this way.
After the birth of our daughter things started to change, i do understand having a baby does take its toll on everyone, at that time i had
an extra job over weekend nights, my wife had 4 months maternal leave so she was at home with our daughter, the first 4 weeks she woke up at night for feeding, i did at times sleep through it but mostly woke up and asked if i could assist her. From there our daughter started sleeping through,
but with occasion if she woke up i would tend to the bottle and nappy, she was a very easy baby. The doctor said that we should wait for 6 months before really trying intercourse again. I was understanding, at 8 months i made a move again but she shot me down.
We had great intimacy before, even during the early stages of the pregnancy. Now there was nothing, we were total strangers and i am not only pointing at sex or anything going with that, every aspect, i though, maybe she needs more help with the house, i have always helped whether i was asked or not, so i took over the washing and feeding and nappies etc when i was home, about 11 months in we did have sex, i thought ok,
maybe she was just afraid it would hurt or something, only 3 months later again, and thats pretty much how it went on.
At some point we did have a fight about it and she told me that it hurts if i go too deep, ok, so every 3d month we would do it in a position
that would halter the problem, if it happend at all.
Before i met her i watched my fair share of porn and masturbated, i was single for 4 years after a bad relationship, due to the lack of intimacy
between my wife and i, i resorted back to porn, not because i lusted someone ells, but i have urges and if i dont get it out of the way i get tense and stressed up witch only makes me a grumpy man that cant focus on anything ells but the though - WHY DOESN'T MY WIFE WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH ME. One night she caught me watching porn, big fight, talks of divorce from her side etc etc, and i asked her, why doesn't she want to be intimate with me, her answer, it hurts, thats when i asked her whether she had plans to go see a gynae, she said that she didn't have money,
i asked her why did she not come to me asked if we can make a plan, she said because i also do not have money, i said to her that if she came to me and we spoke about this that we could have made a plan, i aint rich, not even well off, just bread line most of the time, but i would
have made a plan as i have in many cases, she got on her bike and went to a girl friend of hers and returned the next day. Unlike her, my whole salary goes into rent, insurance etc. After she pay what she must, she buys clothes and stuff. When her salary is depleted i must still carry the household etc with whats left of my salary.
Lets forward a bit to my current situation. August 2016 - We get invited to her sisters bachelorette party. My wife's ex boyfriend and the girl he left her for was there accompanied by a couple we didn't know.
The party got boring and i told my wife i want to go home, the next moment she tells me we got invited to a get together at her ex boyfriends brothers house. (I dont have an issue with her x, he is still part of her parents lives as they work together and they were 6 years in a relationship) I have not been out of the house in over 2 years (Just Work/Eat and Sleep due to very tight finances) and would like to get out for a change so i said yes, lets catch some free air being under the impression it will be a small gathering, having a couple of drinks and have a BBQ while i get to know my wifes pre-Me friends.
We get to their house and the other couple is there as well, nothing extraordinary,
its a young married couple, the wife is mostly on her phone and her husband talking to the x's brother.
We get to the BBQ area and we get introduced to the other couple, i went to fetch stuff in the car and when i came back the husband and my
wife were giving each other flack in a play/friendly way. i though it was nice, we didn't have what one would call friends as i am
mostly an introvert and dont know many people, my wife craves real friends as most of her current friends only knows her when they need her.
The night progressed to drinking, shooting some pool and ending up in the Jacuzzi, so we made jokes and drank and the guys wrestled a bit,
we made friends with the husband and later his wife joined in the alcohol led jokes. still being at our wits, my wife and i escaped the alcohol shooters and went to sleep in the arranged room as i would not drink if i had to drive home that night.
The next morning the couple was gone but we exchanged numbers the night before. The next day a coffee night was arranged, and suddenly
they were there every night that week, we made dinner or they would come over with dinner and we thought this is really a nice couple that is also
looking for a good friendship.
And then the Friday night happend, also where everything started to fall apart...
They got there just after work, brought meat for the BBQ and alcohol etc etc. We lived on a small holdings just outside of town so no
neighbors to complain about our music or loud talking etc.
After we put my daughter to bed and it became night things started to happen. My wife and his wife disappeared to our room only
to re appear a while later both in skimpy sleep wear. My mouth fell open, but not in disapprovement of my wife's attire, more in the
direction of there is a spark that i didn't know she had and strangely liked it. i have never been the jealous type and did not mind
my wife being playful? i don't know how to put it exactly, but it turned me on.
We drank and talked and made jokes, a lot of sexual innuendo jokes was made. it was all new to me but i didn't mind at all.
As we started to loosen up due to the drinking so did the women (our wives) they became playful up to the point where they were kissing
and XXX playing XXX with each other in plain sight of us(husbands) i couldn't believe it but also couldn't look away and had no intention of stopping it.
Your probably thinking i am a pervert, my thoughts at that time was my wife is enjoying herself and probably living out a fantasy
witch might just spark her dormant intimacy for me.
The couples husband made remarks of how good it looks and that i should get into the action etc etc.
The women went out of their way to make us drool basically and they did get it right. They danced around and groped each other in between
more drinks and jokes. At some point i was just sitting and enjoying the view, talking to the husband and my wive came and sat on my lap and
the other women sitting next to me, they started kissing again over me and then my wive takes the other women's breast out and pushes my face against it, i started playing with my tongue with her nipple, the husband tells me to play with his wife down under witch i couldn't do, i could
not get myself to touch her there. it went on for a short while and then the women were up again dancing and groping, i believe it was like a strip club with only upper half nudity. i got up to go pour me another drink in the kitchen, as i finished pouring the drink i tuned around and the other women was there, standing against me, i had a cigarette in the one hand and a drink in the other, she took it out of my boxer and put it inside of her. i was freaking out inside my mind but my mind was overwhelmed by a women doing this without me trying to do it and the sheer
sexual frustration of the last year, not to mention all that had happened already that evening. I went along with it, after a while she pulled away and said she doesn't want get pregnant and she went outside again, i stood there to gather my thoughts and emotions, i starting walking
to go outside when my wife and the couple came in, she did not look well, we laid her down on the bed and laid there by her for a while, the couple got up and went to their room. i couldn't sleep, eventually when the worrying about my wife's state became clear so did my conscious.
I became nasues, couldn't believe that i just broken my vow to her. I wanted to die.
The next morning she woke up in a good mood, they were gone already as they had to get to work. She asked me what i thought about everything that happened, i didn't really know how to answer her, i had this fear inside me that i am going loose everything. She said that she liked it? I thought to myself, does she know? The next moment she brings up a thought of wife swapping and whether i think we can do it. I thought, if she talks about wife swapping she doesn't know, and if she does it was her idea for the other women to come to me, i was confused, we spoke about the wife swapping idea, the ins and outs and rules and we came to the conclusion that we want to do it. She asked me if something happened the previous night. i was too afraid to get it out , i will loose my wife and my daughter in the end. I said no, nothing.
As time went by they came and visited almost daily, we were open to play and be semi or fully naked most of the time, heavy petting under the sheets in front of the tv on 2 mattresses, my wife would lay by him and his wife would lay by me. my wife and the husband disappeared
to have sex 3 or 4 times, but i couldn't do it with his wife, eventually my wife and i had a falling out because i didn't have sex with the other women, so i gave in twice as my wife and the husband disappears for their fun, me and the other wife had some fun, but it was far in between.
My wife got angry about it, she said i must have sex more with the other women, but i couldn't.
One day, she was washing dishes and i were packing dishes away when she all of a sudden said, she knows what happened that night and that was the reason she felt ill. My world stopped, i thought that this is it, the day i loose my wife and daughter. I told her what happend and asked her forgiveness, and she forgave me, I almost broke down when she said she forgave me and wont divorce me.
For the next two months we fought every single night, like cat and dog, sometimes we would be calm when it stopped, other times she would be furious at me, but for the next 2 months we had amazing sex after each fight, like the best we have ever had. Every type and position you can think of, she even gave me hand jobs on our way to work and full blowjobs, even though she said early in our relationship she doesn't like it at all.
One day, i said to her that we do not have to do it each night as it was taking a toll on her sleep because we usually only had about 4 hours to sleep before we had to get up for work again and it was taking its toll on us physically. Then it started to die again, the intimacy became
non existent again. The fighting got less and less, she was still available to have fun with the couple, but i stepped out, occasional semi nudity was ok, she had sex with the husband another 2 times but eventually that stopped too. During our fights on a couple of occasions i asked her if we can drop them as friends because i believe it isnt good for me and her too be in proximity with the other women, her answer every time was, if they go, she goes, if i tell them that i screwed around without consent from my wife and that our marriage was almost at a breaking point due to that night and it costs us their friendship that she will divorce me. They are good people that has helped us a lot in many ways, we might have given them the wrong idea about us and our marriage and i do not want to loose their friendship, but i do not want to loose my wife and daughter due to them.
Its more than a year later, me and the other husband still jokes around with my wife, but not physically sexual, just fool around.
i get one pity sex night a month, and it only happens when i am very irritable and being a grumpy man. i have thought of saying no to her the next time she initiates it because if i initiate it she says she doesn't want to or shes tired or doesn't feel well.
i am seriously starting to think weird things because i dont know what else to do anymore, i help in the house as much as i can, i have tried everything i can think of, but she keeps me at an arm length. i am tired of masturbating, at least i do not have to watch porn per-sè, i have a video recording of me and her that i can watch that i filmed one night in the 2 months we fought.
Input or ideas are welcome, but please be respectful towards her, she is my wife and i love her deeply, you are welcome to to diss me
as much as you want.
You are taking on all the responsibility of this bizarre situation and its effect on your marriage - and you!
Why are you so adamant about not making her accountable?
Lets review: she sex starves you after 11 months, ( probably having this lesbian relationship for a long time) then brings you into this behavior that violates your marriage vows, then gives you an ultimatum that if this behavior ends, so does your marriage?
Is this feeling like a no- win situation for you?
The last paragraph is for the people that is heavily against porn, i dont believe in doing something half way, thats why this post is so long, a good explanation will make more sense to whom ever is reading it.
I do not know if she has lesbian tendacies, what i do know is when she was in the relationship with her x that is mentioned in my story, one day while they were intimate her x's brother walked into the room where they were busy and he joined them and it seems that she did not object to it. She told that in a candid conversation we had with the couple a while back. It was the first that i heard of it.
She does not take confrontation well,
She usually tells me to go and get someone better that will make me happy and that type of fight usually ends with her playing the devorce card.
I dont want a devorce, i want us to work it out and grow old together. I come out of a broken family, broken in more ways than just divorced parents. I do not want it for my daughter, in the same breath i need to stay sane.
At some point i will need to choose, but i will first fight to mend us than split up. I have a constant war inside of me about it all.
I did forget to mention, about 4 months back she said she isnt ready for intamcy with me because of what happend, thats when the once a month pity sex started. I have given her all the reasons why it happend according to my feelings and my mind set and i have asked her a million times what can i do to make it better, her answer is she doesnt know, as long as it doesnt involve getting rid of the other couple.
I dont know what to do or where to start mending.