Feeling resentment and frustration about a needy lying sibling
I have a 51 yr old sister who has manipulated and lied her way thru my parent's bank account since we were teens. Sitting back and watching it has made me want to be as opposite as possible from her so I am very self sufficient and ask for nothing as it should be at the age of 49 and actually have been this way since my early teens. My parents are constantly rescuing her and dumping their savings on her to help while she lies and spends money they believe is being used for things she needs is actually going to clothes, shoes, anything she desires. Her nor her husband have jobs at the current time so my parents are regularly bailing them out to keep them afloat even though they keep saying they will stop at some point. They are my sister and her husband's safety net. They have no boundaries for her needs and her constant begging for more money. My parent's have recently been talking about their will and their wishes when their lives end but the way things are going, there won't be much left when my sister is done with them. My father reminds me that even though I'm the younger one, I will need to be there for my sister when they're gone which I will but not financially as I refuse to enable after they're gone. I love my sister but I've had to work for EVERYTHING I have while watching her be rewarded over and over for being financially irresponsible. My biggest issue right now is whether I continue to ignore the behaviors or confront my parents and ask them to match every dollar they spend on her to me. Seems petty but I'm fed up after watching the scale be so far off. Had I received the amounts she has, I would be pretty set for my retirement which I can't foresee anytime soon since I'm the main provider for our family after my husband got sick (which I never asked for a dime while taking care of him and to date). Knowing she will wipe out their money, means my inheritance went straight to her for blowing. I'm disappointed in myself for feeling resentment, jealousy and anger as that's not who I am.... or am I? Can't a person become the green eyed monster after so many years of watching this... is it okay or not? How does a person deal with this situation and the feelings inside to remain healthy, positive and balanced? It has been festering over so many years with conversations here and there with my parents but never a suggestion like matching to be fair. I'm sure families with several kids have this issue ... I would love to hear how they dealt with similar and any suggestions on healthy actions for me.
Do your folks have a will? Trust?
It’s possible to “tag” your inheritance right now, especially if there are properties that will be in the will ( home, cottage, condo etc) and I have heard of loans taken out on the trust by benefactors, even before the death.
If you feel that your sister is going to blow thru your inheritance, see if you can begin a conversation with your parents and their estate planner.
Are they willing to do that?
Yes they set up a trust recently and have two homes and a condo that will be in it as well as other money sitting in the stock market and IRA's. I have kindly suggested that if they can't stop themselves from enabling her, to keep a journal on what she has been given so that it would be fair when the time comes to settle the trust but my father refuses. It's the strangest thing that it's always been so uneven on the scale of fairness since we were teens. It all started when we were 16 and she showed signs of depression and addiction, they bought her a brand new car to try to perk her up. She is very manipulative and good at making them feel sorry for her. They continued thru the years trying to "buy" her happiness all the while, making me pay for my first car, my own place in college, etc. Enabling her thru the years, she's come to expect them to rescue her and her able husband. I am reminded regularly that I'm not a daughter in need and if I was, they would help me. Sad thing is, they forgot when my husband almost died and I had to care for him for months with no income using all of our savings. I am still the main income to our family and never ask for anything. I really am compassionate when it comes to helping someone but it's not like she's living in a slum, they have a nice house and all the latest tech, iPhones, etc, nice name brand clothes...which I'm sure my father does not understand he is buying. I love my parents and do so much for them but this puts a lot of sadness in my heart that I'm struggling with. I am not a jealous person, I want the best for people and especially my family but these yucky feelings are hard to dissect and ignore.
A will is needed, too. The trust simply organizes the assets and assures for their care for the rest of their lives.
From what you have described, Heaven help you if sister is the executor!
Tell your dad you need to know what their wishes are or speak up about your hopes are for your inheritance.
He recently completed the trust and also I believe a will since they met with an attorney. Unfortunately, he put us BOTH as the executors which is crazy since he is fully aware she cannot manage money and I'm the opposite. He only did it because she is older and very jealous of me. I managed his books for his business for 20 years. successfully. Plus, I am more than fair and will do exactly as he states on the will. Honestly, I work so hard to create a nest egg for my own family and hope to have something that will take care of my daughter when I'm gone. She has disabilities(autistic) and I'm not foreseeing that she will ever marry or be able to manage money properly altho I remain hopeful! I am working with her daily on it but she's 17 now, I just pray I can assign someone to oversee her inheritance from me. My sister is not only holding her hand out regularly, but her children are as well since they've been taught to, so you can probably imagine how much goes that direction.Two of her three children are adults and the oldest is just like her. It's disabling them to rescue and he and my mom don't get it. I've begged them to consider counseling but they are old school and won't. I realize this won't stop so my goal is to find a way to cope with it and not be bitter as that would only hurt me. My parents have been very loving providers but when it comes to this subject, it makes me feel unimportant until they need something. I run to them when they need my help and I'm the only one that steps up.They know I will take care of them as I'm the dependable one. I feel as tho Im punished for being self sufficient and my sister is rewarded for failure. When I have a success story in my biz, I don't feel I can even share it any longer since my father makes comments about rolling in the dough (which it's not the case!). My big concern is that I don't want to carry resentment or anger, bitterness in my heart and it's something I don't know how to let go of.
An acquaintance was one of four executors after their mom died.
They never got along - what was mom thinking!?
Of course it was a debacle- long drawn out fight and the lawyer got more than any sibling.
Insist on a sitdown with the lawyer and get this settled. (Usually the family lawyer acts as the executor) or consider washing your hands of the entire issue. Way too much of your time is being spent in stress about money - And sibling resentment.