About 4 months ago I agreed to go on a holiday for a week abroad with a group of friends. I say friends but really, one person is my friend who I've known for over 10 years and the other 4 are more acquaintances (2 are a couple). I've been 3 times abroad as a group before with my friend and different people. However over the last year I feel our friendship has drifted somewhat, mainly because she tends to make jokes about me when we're in a group. I was able to take it before and give back but nowadays Im really sensitive to it as I my self esteem isn't good and it makes me feel more anxious. Also, I don't particularly like one of the other women in the group who I would be sharing with this year as she doesn't make an effort to speak to me, similar to last year, so that I was always the instigator, and the group is cliquey.*
So I agreed to pay a deposit of £200 initially but then because of my depression, and thinking about having to deal with the different personalities, I decided that I'd not go, making an excuse about not being able to afford it. That didn't work. On the holiday WhatsApp group my friend started ranting about how they'd only picked the particular hotel because I said I couldn't afford a more expensive one and her boyfriend said 'can't you get a loan?' . Then she rang and guilt tripped me saying she'd lend me the money and she really wanted me to come and they'd have to pay to get moved to another hotel etc if I didn't. I ended up giving in. Even though she said it's up to me I went along with it, thinking Im just having a bad patch.*
I then started getting anxious and mulling over the fact that now everyone thought I was a drama queen trying to cause trouble and attract attention when that was the last thing I wanted. I then noticed that since then, whenever I commented on the WhatsApp group, no one really responded, particularly my friend's boyfriend. I thought it was all in my head and I was just being paranoid but it's been an ongoing thing.
Come December I paid the remaining £500. Still my friend keeps making comments, like she complained that I didn't get her a Christmas present, even though we never get each other Christmas presents each year.*
Now 6 weeks to go and I really don't want to go. I left myself be talked into it and the fact is I really don't want to spend a week with 5 other people. Everytime I think about it I get even more anxious and depressed. My boyfriend doesn't understand as he says 'you love skiing' but it's the dynamics of the group, and feeling like Im the odd one out that is getting to me.*
I have had a difficult 7 months as I left my job before Christmas due to bullying. So where I would normally have been motivated to go on holiday previously this whole holiday is just feeling like another stressful situation I want to avoid as I just don't feel like I have the energy to cope with any disagreements or difficulty behaviour. I am living off savings and and am more worried about trying to find another job than relax and go on holiday.
My anxiety about it is awful and I feel like going is not worth how I'm feeling now and how I will feel on the holiday. I really don't care about the £700 but I'm thinking I need an excuse to get out of going. I know people will probably think Im mad lose all that money but i just can't cope with all the stress. They now have a meal out planned last this week for usd all and I don't even want to go to that. I can't pretend that Im looking forward to the holiday. My boyfriend says that Im going to end up losing the ove friend that I have but should I go just because I will be upsetting them and because of the cost?
I can't tell her the real reason because my friend will tell the others and that will cause even more upset. I just want to avoid the whole holiday altogether and leave the WhatsApp groups! Anyone had a similar experience and what excuse or reason did you use to get out of the situation?
I think if you really don’t want to go and it would actually be a huge relief to you, then don’t go. It’s a lot of money but it’s also your mental well-being that sounds like it needs to be protected for a bit.
This friend doesn’t sound like a friend, if she picks on you in front of the group, and belittles you lowers yourself esteem. It sounds like she more of a bully. She triggers your anxiety I don’t blame you for not wanting to spend a week with people who bash your confidence. Youre not there just to be her punch bag and it’s because she probably is insecure herself.
I wouldn’t lie about your reasons, and make up an excuses. I think it’s best to be honest, you could say it’s your anxiety and at the moment you’re really suffering with it BUT you don’t have to explain to them or anyone anymore then that. They are still going, you're not stoppping them.
The thing is when you tell your ‘friend’, be strong, don’t let your self get talked back into it or listen to her trying guilt trip you. when you tell her be confident because if she senses any weakness from you she’ll go for you, like she did before.
One thing you can do is The Broken Record rule, which is where you just repeat to her that your not going, in one sentence, until she gets it. Let her go off and tell the others.
You might lose her as a friend, how much would that bother you?
from now on, surround your self with positive people (or make friends). Not people who are negitive and put you down. You’ll feel a lot better for it and your anxiety and depression will get better.