He won't be seen with me because I'm an addict.. but we just got high for his vacation
There are many issues but one pressing.
After being his mistress for 10 years..not allowed to tell anyone..his wife funny finally left.i am now a drug addict and he's ashamed to even be seen with me in public..out 3x a year..he also is in recovery and asked me to get him high 2x
Last year..he never touched it again till Christmas he knows I won't sent deny him anything..i love him more than he loves me..thats my cross..i feel used..beccause after wards he can shower and go on with his life ..i can't stop..he once had a big problem so he knows..but he finds my inability to stop as a choice or sign of weakness..he also says sex is my choice ..hez not gping to stop sleeping with his wife if I won't stop drugs..im confused hurt..i don't trust my judgement..i love him..he say I'm his best friend and confidant..i litterly have no one else..o n
I'm sorry nobody has responded to this yet and it's been over a week. I haven't had good responses for a lot of these topics, but I will try my best to respond to yours since I feel like drugs are a pretty big issue.
So I actually read in a book tonight, one I've been reading, about how addiction is something that lets people be entitled. It is something you can aggrandize and use to blame for the way things are. People who are entitled can either act like they have no problems and live their lives like they've accomplished a lot when they haven't, or go in the other direction and act like a victim.
The thing is, the drugs really aren't getting you anywhere, but they're giving you a good excuse right now to stay in this rut you've created, where you let this guy use you and avoid dealing with your problems and living your own life.
For most of last year I drank a lot. I had some issues with drinking in the past, but I consumed more alcohol last year than I had over the course of my life. I pretty much did a similar thing to you, except being drunk instead of using illegal drugs to get high. At first I was drinking to relax, then I was drinking because a person I was trying to date was a drunk. Then I was drinking to help get over that person, in a long, drawn-out thing that lasted for a couple of months. After that... I was still drinking, to help me loosen up and because by that point I kind of looked forward to drinks throughout the week.
I had some really embarrassing things happen over the years due to drinking. I ruined a vacation. I groped women. I sent out flirty (or sometimes rather un-flirty) messages to strangers and women I knew alike. I wrecked a car. I pissed my bed and threw up all over myself. But it took something happening at the beginning of this month to make me realize I really did have a problem. Now I haven't had a drink in about three weeks, and I am trying to focus on other things instead of drinking.
Like you, I used alcohol to kind of justify things. Oops, I did that because I was drunk, lol! Oof, I overdid it, I just need to not drink so much next time. But I found that my situation never got better. I kept going in a cycle, getting drunk and forgetting things, in exchange for a bit of escapism from the day-to-day. I glorified the act and viewed it almost as a hobby. The thing is, any substance with that kind of power just doesn't offer you anything positive. It keeps you in a regular state of being a wreck. It gives you an excuse to mope and dwell on things, and something to hide behind when the realization hits you that people suck and don't appreciate you for who you are.
Where are drugs getting you? You keep doing this same song-and-dance every week. You get wasted and keep crawling back to a guy who doesn't care enough about you - a guy who thinks you're trash because you do drugs more often than he does, like that really makes him much better somehow. You're good enough for him to regularly have sex with though. He keeps coming back to you because you hook him up with both sex and drugs, you are essentially his dealer.
He says you're his best friend and confidant? Well screw that guy! You apparently don't matter much to him, so don't give him the satisfaction of your body, your heart, or your ears.
If you're really confused and hurt, and have nobody else, then you need to change that. It all likely starts with you quitting the drugs, and getting yourself away from the negative people you surround yourself with. You will have to make a brand new start, but you will also have to work towards taking care of yourself and being happy in your own skin.