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Don’t know what to do

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Relationship advice I’ve had a couple problems arise over the last few days. A couple days ago I found videos of me on my husbands phone. He had taken them without my permission. One was of me getting out of the shower and the other was of us having sex. This sent me spiralling and I started searching through his phone and tablet. I ended up finding pictures of his ex wife’s vagina (the file name had her name in it) and one of a penis in a red-haired vagina, with the file name the same as her sister(who is a red head), that he downloaded three months ago onto his tablet. We’ve been married for five years and together for 9 total.

I confronted him about the pictures of his wife and (I think) sister and at first he said they were not of real people, that he downloaded them from the internet, but upon further interrogation, he admitted that they were in fact his ex-wife, but he swears the one I think is him having intercourse with the sister is just a “fantasy” and it’s not him.

I’m so torn as to what to do. He says they are old pictures, but “can’t find” the CD that he downloaded them from. If they are old photos, I might be able to get past that betrayal, but I’m worried that they are not old photos. And on the other side, why is he looking at naked pictures of his ex that he supposedly hates? I should add that the photo that I think is of the sister is named in the exact same way as the photos of the ex, the name then a bunch of numbers after it. It seems too much of a coincidence to me. I would think that they’ll had to have been taken by the same camera and uploaded in the same way to get such similar file names. Honestly, I don’t care who he slept with in the past, but I don’t want to be lied to about it.

Then there’s the non-consensual videos of me. He betrayed my privacy and I don’t know if I can get past that. I haven’t confronted him about that yet. He knows I don’t want videos of me.

I don’t know what to do. Can he ever be trusted again? Has anyone ever had their trust broken and been able to re-establish it through marriage counselling? I don’t think he’s cheated, but he still has broken my trust with the lies and deceit. Am I an idiot for even considering trying to work it out? Also, we have a toddler and I really don’t want to become a part time parent. I need to see my child everyday. My child means everything to me. But I feel so broken.

Don’t know what to do

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Hey, I am very sorry to hear about your situation.

I think you should not be with someone who you cannot trust. Trust is the one of the most important things in any relationship and yours is a marriage. Violating someone's privacy by taking videos in this manner is completely wrong.

But you guys have been together for 9 whole years. That's a lot of time. Is it the first time he has broken your trust ? If he has done that before means you are with the wrong person. If it's the first time, then you need to confront completely about everything and demand a proper explanation instead of the vauge one. Try to get to know the situation from his point of view. See if you can look past all of this. Don't get me wrong, what he did was completely wrong but people do make mistakes. And this is a very big one.

Also you shouldn't be worried about your child. When the child grows up he/she will understand why you had to split up. In fact your child will be proud of you that you decided to do what's right for you.

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